Things have tapered off with him. We still talk every day, but it is more platonic, more like I think we originally intended. There was no conversation that we had, but I think we reached a silent understanding. I want to give the Gospel a fair shot, so does he. I can't believe I'd obtain an answer to my question if I'm not willing to do what the Lord asks me to do. I told myself I was done trying, but I need to give it one more chance. One more.
My life has been productive, though. My days actually have movement, content. For a while, I was just running, swimming, and tanning all day. It sounds nice, but believe me-- it gets old. I want to add value to my life, my existence.
It's weird how my pandora songs seem to reflect my post in a strange way. Maybe it didn't do that initially... but it does, now.
What made the difference? The focus is back on me. Not in a selfish way, but I'm the one who decides what I feel and how I'm going to react. I love him. I still do. But I can feel myself sewing my heart back up, repairing, building the tower.
I thought I needed it. I thought I needed someone there for me, to be there for someone. So when everything started coming unraveled, I started coming unraveled. But there's purpose to my life, and having purpose has provided me with a sense of comfort. I'm going to be ok. I can feel it. I guess that was what I was really needing.
My life is a roller coaster. It's ok. This is an up, and there will, inevitably, be a down at some point. I'm starting to get used to it... not that it makes it any easier. But life is good and beautiful and strange. Mysterious in the worst way possible. A horrible car accident where I can't look away. It's that wrenching movie where you somehow know the ending will be a happy one. It's full of random, miniature insights that make us smile, put us at peace... without reason or explanation. Strange and beautiful. It may sound cliche to you, but I can't find more appropriate words to describe it.
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