I guess I should maybe stop and clarify something. If these posts belonged to someone else, and I were reading them, I would have killed myself by this point. I am unendingly frustrated with the things I do, the cycle I'm forcing myself to live in. I would hate me if I were you (a general "you," no one specific).
So, to the general "you," go to hell.
I was reading someone else's blog post, and he seemed down on himself for the confusion that he was causing others. He actually apologized for how confusing his life is. I feel bad because this isn't for you. Yes, my blog is open to the world to find and read. If you're curious why I wrote it on here, read my first post.
But I'm not sorry, nor will I ever be, for my situation in life and my approach, my attempt at reaching some kind of resolution. To disagree is your prerogative. To write is mine.
Anyway...
I think I can be brave enough. I've been doing what I'm supposed to, as far as the Gospel goes. And I've admitted to myself that it is not my sole chance at happiness in life. Having said that, I really love it, and I'm glad I'm getting back into the things that I've been forgetting for the past six or eight months: reading scriptures, praying, family prayer, FHE. I'm glad to be approaching it with the question in mind. I'm glad that I can be honest with myself, with God.
I was reading through the first journal I ever kept. I started the day after my baptism. I journaled almost every day for two years. If I missed a day (which barely happened), I'd account for it in my next day's journal entry. I realized that I really did try to do everything that I was supposed to. I had forgotten how good I was trying to be... how good I was...
"Because of the blessings I've been given, the mercies I've been granted, because of Heavenly Father's love for me and mine for him, I will do everything I can with the gifts I've been given to make the most of my life. I do this because I have finally started to realize how much has been given to me, and maybe, somehow, living my life in the best way possible can serve as a testimony of my gratitude to Him, for Him."
I wrote that. I was 16. I was thinking about my life up to that point-- about the things I had done wrong, the person I was and the weight that I felt as a result.
But my energy, at that point in my life, was focused on gaining a deeper testimony of the church. Yes, I believed it was true before I was baptized, but the testimony I had wasn't strong enough to keep me planted in Gospel dirt as it stood. I had questions-- lots. I had questions that came from my father's pre-baptism, anti-mormon requirements. I needed to know. And then, I saw how proud my mom was, my siblings follow in my steps, members tell me how much they respected me... I felt weird. I felt like I had been thrown into a place with a lot of external expectations, and I didn't want to let people down.
I worked, I prayed, I pushed, and I succeeded in accomplishing everything that everyone expected of me, but the growth of other parts of my Gospel self that were crucial to my spiritual development were retarded, forgotten. A problem that needed to be recognized, understood, solved was forgotten.
I understood. I knew during that time shortly after my conversion and baptism. I knew what I needed to deal with, but I wasn't sure how. And I can follow myself through my journals; I can see how it was something always in the back of my head but a permanent "second" on my list of priorities.
That's why I'm experiencing gyrations at this point in my life. I've developed in halves... or half of me developed.
At least I'm beginning to understand. At least I'm trying to fix it.
And to you, a specific you, if you ever read this: Don't apologize for what you are and how you deal with it. We do the best that we can, and the people that don't matter eventually disappear, and that is infinitely better than allowing ourselves to disappear for someone else's sake.
No comments:
Post a Comment