I was going to talk about it, but I was just thinking that the feeling would maybe go away. It didn't. I feel kind of empty. I feel the gyration. Retarded.
I've gotta take a second to sound a little crazy. It helps me, sometimes, to picture myself in the future I would have according to the things that I think I want... you know? Like when it came to deciding whether or not to audition for those music schools or go to BYU, I thought about what my life would look like 10 years later according to those two choices. So I pictured what life would be like if things somehow did work out for him and me. I couldn't feel a certainty that things would be good, that I would be happy.
I felt so sure of it. I felt so sure when I was talking to him the past couple of nights. But I woke up this morning and somehow felt the piece that was missing from me. I was doing good-- I was feeling like this was something I could be ok with. Now, I'm not sure. These damn gyrations.
If I'm going to change things, I have to be fully invested, you know? This can't be a whim. This can't be something that I can only halfway commit to. If it is going to work, I need to be willing to make the complete change, to let go of everything holding me back. But it hurts. It hurts to think that I'd have to let go of him. It hurts to think I'm winding up just to be a little more disappointed, broken, bruised.
That's what I should've written about. I thought avoiding it would make it go away. It didn't.
It just comes down to my testimony. This is something that I'd potentially have to fight for my entire life, alone. The thought makes me scared. If I were more faithful, I could be ok with that. If I had a stronger testimony, I would be able to approach this with the certainty that things would work out in the Lord's time, and that would suffice. I'm so tired of these spiritual gyrations. I was hoping they'd make me numb at some point-- that this rending I feel would deaden, subside. It hurts.
Does it ever stop? Does fighting this stop the hurt? Does giving in stop it?
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