Things here have been pretty much the same. I'm still head-over-heels for this guy and trying, at the same time, not to be slaughtered by my classes. The semester is almost over which means that all of my teachers decide that they should put all of their big, important projects and tests at the same time. I'm almost there. If I can make it to the end of this week, I think my life should be ok.
It's kind of funny how the semester didn't turn out quite like I expected. I mean, on one hand, I have the worst grade (which really isn't that bad) in the class that I thought would be the easiest. My hardest class is going to be one of my best grades... probably because I responded by slacking off in the easy one and actually applying myself in the hard class. Too bad I can't just apply myself to all of my classes... but I also need a life.
The semester also turned out a little unexpected because I never thought I'd be messing around with a guy. In fact, I never really thought I'd find someone here that was like me. It's funny because he turned out to be exactly the kind of person I was hoping to meet-- normal, sane, good-looking, sense of humor.
I guess it has given me a chance to learn a little more about myself. The problem is that there is all of this data that has been input, and now I'm trying to process it. I'm trying to figure out what it means. He leaves at the beginning of June. I haven't figured out what I'm going to do after that. I don't think I'm going to try to find someone else around here. I don't really think I would, anyway.
I've realized that I'm pretty clingy. It kind of annoys me. I mean, I've dated girls that have been like that, and it drives me insane. I need time alone from them, you know? Not that I didn't like them (and give me a break-- I never said I wasn't confused by my sexuality), it was just that I needed time to spend on myself. Hopefully that doesn't sound selfish. Anyway, I see myself doing the same thing to this guy that those girls did to me. The thing is that I think it kind of revolves around the fact that I'm not exactly secure about myself.
Retarded, I know.
The other thing is that I'm not sure what to think about our situation. I shouldn't overanalyze it-- I'm turning into a freaking girl. It's just that I'm not sure if we're dating or friends or what? I guess I kind of think of it as dating, but I'm trying not to turn crazy, you know? So when he says he saw someone he met up with before, it makes me kind of jealous even thought I know I shouldn't act that way. And then I feel better when he says he didn't do anything.
I'm sorry. You really get the worst of it. I just have to verbalize these thoughts, and then they all go away.
I guess that, to make a long story short, no matter what this situation is classified as, he is, at the very least, a really good friend. The making out and messing around adds a different dimension to it, for me, but I shouldn't worry about it. I should just enjoy it, right?
I just really never expected this situation to turn out like this. I never expected someone to see something in me and like me in return?
It feels good.
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