But I don't feel good right now. I feel like I let God down, the church, myself. I feel like I'm in a place that I don't want to be or that I wasn't ready to be in.
I don't know what to think. I feel more and more friction between this and the Gospel-- these two lives. I'm not sure what to do. I mean, in one way, I feel fulfilled but only when we aren't doing something that goes too far.
What do I do? How am I supposed to live my life?
The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return... You should know where that line comes from. In fact, if you haven't seen the movie, watch it because it is really good. Anyway, that's what I want. I don't care how stupid it sounds. I guess that desire transcends all barriers and expectations I place on myself. It influences my decisions more completely than any other factor in life. Why do I feel like I'm starved for it? Why do I feel like I'm constantly striving to fix and compensate for my shortcomings and flaws? I get so tired of it that I guess it gets to a point where I just want someone who is ok with the person that I am. That's a tall order and one that I can't expect to be fulfilled in all the ways that I wish. So I guess I continue living half of a life-- a quarter gay, a quarter LDS. I'm looking for my other half-- whoever he/she is haha. But I guess that in order to find them, I have to be in agreement with myself on the kind of person I am. I don't want to be a gay mormon. I want to be gay OR mormon. I want to live one life or the other and have the balls and the commitment to be content with the choices that I've made and the consequences that I face as a result.
Anyway, I guess that's where this guy got me-- I felt like he just liked me for me. As hard as it was to talk myself into it, I succeeded. But now I see that it isn't what he wants in his life. I can't feel anything but understanding and I feel bad that I pulled him away from what he wants.
I can't let what I want in my life overshadow what someone else wants for their life. And I'm saying this without even being sure what kind of life I want for myself. That girl-- she is the same way as he is. I feel like she actually likes me for who I am in spite of the fact that she's out of my league, but I'm scared that it is going to get to a point where I can't take it any further. She deserves more-- she deserves better. He deserves more and better, too.
I can't figure out, for the life of me, what I deserve. Not much since it seems like I manage to mess around with other peoples' lives too much. How is it possible to explore yourself without affecting other people? I certainly haven't figured that out yet.
I went to that gay mormon fireside last night. There were a bunch of guys there in my same situation. It was a relief, and it made me realize how much I wanted to live in the gospel. Spiritual gyrations-- that's all I feel. Maybe that's what has deadened my sense of right and wrong. I've gone back and forth so much that I can't keep anything straight... haha... uh, guess that wasn't supposed to be a joke, but I thought it was funny. But I felt the Spirit there-- I felt the same way I felt when I first joined the church. I had a talk with myself about the things that I had done and the kind of person that I was along with the kind of person I was looking to become. At that time in my life, I had the balls to make the decision and go into it with everything I had. The Lord blessed me. Then, I was a retard and screwed it up. And here I am, wishing I had done so many things differently in my life. Since that isn't an option, I guess I press on. It may sound stupid (and obvious), but I guess I'm going to be having these spiritual gyrations until I stop straddling the gay/mormon path and decide. One fourth of me has to lose out in order to provide me with any sense of wholeness, I guess. The sad thing is that it is only up to me. No one else can make that decision for me.
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