The Thief

Excellent.

He has said fewer than 10 words to me since our mishap on Monday. It's killing me. I'm guessing I'm probably not going to hear much from him anymore.

If that's the case, I'm back to square one, again. I hope I'm not. I hope to hear from him, though I think I've learned my lesson and will keep it platonic. 

Well, I suppose I have to get myself back to "platonic" before I can maintain it there. But like I said before, if anything, I thought of him as a friend. Then, there was the emotional/physical kind of thing that complicated it, but when it came down to it, I liked spending time with him. 

Why does this have to be so painful? Feeling like this makes me want to leave the church. I looked at transfer schools last night. It's hard because this is one of the top business schools in the nation, but the program doesn't match up easily with other high-ranking business schools. To stay here would be giving me a lot more opportunities in life. At the same time, I feel like I'm dying spiritually. What is wrong with me? 

Getting out of here would let me figure out what I want in life. If I left, I'd have a lot greater chance of living a gay life, but part of me feels like I need to explore it to know what it is like. But I guess that's because I don't have the faith to trust the Lord when He says that the Gospel is going to provide the most peace and happiness in life. 

I feel so crappy. Any day now this feeling is going to go away-- I'm sure it will. I just hope it is soon because it really hurts.

I'm so tired of feeling guilty. I'm so tired of feeling torn between two ways of life. The "gay mormon" thing is not working out.

He was in my dreams last night. Things were back to normal-- nothing sexual besides kissing. It was just nice that everything was like it was before Tuesday afternoon happened. Then, I woke up. I don't cry, but I wanted to. It was one of those mean tricks my mind played on me. Anyway, I'll continue apologizing to him in my mind. Maybe it takes a couple thousand times before the hurt goes away.