We went out for lunch. It was fine-- a little awkward, but I guess that should be expected, considering the circumstances. No physical contact. Well, I accidentally touched his finger, but it wasn't long enough to arouse either of us haha. I feel better, at least, knowing that he isn't going to fall off the face of the earth. At the same time, it is kind of weird trying to figure out where to go from here. I mean, not kissing, no physical contact. I understand and think that it has to be like that to keep us from doing something that he is going to seriously regret.
I don't really feel like I'd regret it. Does that sound bad? I mean, I have decided to let go of a little control over my life... or maybe take a little control back? Either way, I've decided not to sweat it. It doesn't remove accountability or anything like that, I'm just suspending the guilt until I've decided what it is that I truly want. A life in the Gospel would have to bring a certain amount (though not like I've done anything horrible) of repentance. But in order to commit myself to the Gospel, I (personally) have to try the other side.
It's asking for trouble, I know. I just can't beat myself up over it anymore. Like I said before, I can't handle the emotional masochism. I have to be ok with myself no matter what that entails. Granted, I feel like I have the ability to control and direct my life, but I can't commit myself to a straight, Gospel life until every part of me is committed to that. Until then, I'm just going to be halfway in it.
To allow myself to do that requires a certain amount of independence-- it's kind of weird. I mean, independence in a different way. I don't like the fact that it means I have to be willing to separate (however temporarily it may be) from the Gospel... that kind of independence. In a really good way, I've learned to depend on the Lord for everything that I need. My desire to do good has qualified me for the blessings... would this put an end to that? Well, I guess I don't need to cross that bridge until I get to it.
This is way too confusing. Why do I let it consume my life? Elder Uchtdorf gave a really good talk about focusing on one little thing in our life and how it can cause a complete disaster for our entire life. I'm shifting my focus. But I guess it is really important to fulfill this need that I have... maybe I can try to find a healthier way to do that. Or maybe I can just find someone to make out with randomly, though I doubt it'd be the same.
No comments:
Post a Comment