I've apologized over and over to him in my head. I catch myself saying it every time I think about what happened. Maybe I'm blowing it out of proportion. Maybe it isn't that big of a deal. But I don't like the fact that I made someone else's life more difficult. I was selfish.
I was thinking about this whole thing, though. I need to recognize that it isn't a win-win situation. Part of me has to lose out. Part of me has to feel, at least initially, a twinge of regret for not being able to live the life that it wants me to live. I guess that I'm afraid of living with that regret, but it is going to come with whatever decision I make. The thing is, though, that I can imagine myself in situations where that regret would eventually disappear. The absolute best-case situation would be a married life with kids. I'm afraid I wouldn't be able to achieve that, but it is a possibility. I would have the occasional twinge of regret for not being able to satisfy whatever attraction it is I feel toward guys, but I could see that regret diminishing over time. The next one, in my opinion, would be a stable, monogamous, homosexual relationship. I would feel regret for not being able to live the Gospel, but I would still have stability and family which are important to me. The least-desired situation would be celibate, alone. I've already ruled that out as an option. It may sound awful, but I'm not willing to live my life alone.
Anyway, I need to make a choice so that I don't end up hurting someone else with my indecisiveness. That I'm uncertain about what I want in my life is ok, but hurting other people in the process of trying to understand what to do is not.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry for keeping him from what he really wants in life. I'm sorry for taking what could have and should have been healthy and edifying and turning it into something to satisfy my selfish appetites. I'm sorry for not feeling personal guilt-- that my guilt is only because of the hurt I cause to someone else. I'm sorry I can't make up my mind and have, in the process of these gyrations, hurt other people in ways I either didn't initially understand or else just didn't care about.
Before I ever decided to act on any of this, I thought being a gay mormon was relatively straightforward-- no pun intended. I figured my decisions/choices and their consequences centered on me... I never realized how far-reaching the consequences could be.
No comments:
Post a Comment