Hold My Hand

"I have kind of a weird question. I promise I'm not going to go crazy, but how many times have you messed around since you've been home."

"Just the makeout in ____, why?"

"Oh. You're a good guy."

"Why?"

"Haha. Just take the compliment. I'd've just felt kinda crappy about it."

"No, I meant why'd you wanna know?"

"I'd rather know and feel crappy than not know and not be sure what to think."

"I just want to be close to being done when I move into my new ward in ____."

"That makes sense. I like you. I know I shouldn't, but I do. But yeah, that makes sense."

"I like you, too..."

Sometimes I amaze myself at the crap that I put me (and other people) through. I mean, are you reading this? I'm so awkward. But I had to know. I was staring at my phone and wondering, trying to decide whether or not to send the text. I figured I was at a point where I could've let go and dealt with things from there. I just had to know.

And my day was better. It was a lot better. Is it supposed to be this way? Am I supposed to be filled with this intense sense of relief? I mean, my energy and emotions haven't been used and experienced in vain... though they never could be, in some ways. It was just nice to know that this is mutual. It was nice to know that I'm not the only one that feels a level of commitment to him-- a weird, gay-and-I-know-it-should-feel-wrong-but-I'm-happy-and-really-like-him-and-for-once-feel-happy-with-someone kinda way.

And all of this crap that I've been putting myself through. Why am I so dramatic? Granted, you really get the worst of it. It's just this big mess of figuring things out. He's trying to do it, too. We talked about it, once. "We both know we'll be happier in the church," he said. "This wouldn't be so hard if I didn't like you so much," he said. Yeah, he's right. Deep down, I know he's right. But it kills me. It really does. It kills me to think that maybe if I fought a little harder or a little longer, I could get over this. I could get married and "live the dream," so to speak. 

But it's overshadowed. Did I ever tell you it is actually grammatically acceptable to begin sentences with coordinating conjunctions? It is done only when you want to add emphasis. I just think it's odd how often I manage to do it. Adding too much emphasis de-emphasizes everything. It's overshadowed (see preceding paragraph) by these feelings I have from knowing that someone cares about me. It feels amazing, and I think that's why I'm able to feel ok about giving up that "dream." But is this something that would be permanent? 

I can't. I know I can't. I can't keep fighting it. I'm not strong enough. For once, I felt like I didn't have to hide or try to be something else. For better or worse, this retarded obstacle has become a part of me. I know I've said it isn't the sole defining characteristic, but it adds to me... or takes away... either way, it makes up a part of me. I've started to realize that I can't function in spite of it. 

Ugh. Once again, I can literally feel my brain short-circuiting. Too much thinking.

I was gonna drop him off after lunch. I really liked him. He treated me differently. He made me comfortable. We got back to his apartment, and he invited me in. We sat and talked for a bit. His roommates came home, so we went to his room and kept talking. He moved in close and folded my coat collar back. I told him that wasn't how it was supposed to go, and he moved it back. I was so awkward... it was the first time I had been in a situation like this with a guy. He hugged me. He held me. I wasn't sure how to deal with what I was feeling. I wasn't sure what I was feeling. I felt great.

I still feel great. I wish I knew what to do about it. I think I know. No one ever told me life would require so many decisions. 

It's Not Your Fault

Who knew that there were about a trillion moho blogs? I never knew. I guess I have a couple of letters to thank... or the writers. And for you, if you read this: don't stop spewing. It helps. It validates my spewing, and I know my spewing can frustrate.

I love waking up in the morning. I really should just postpone all of my posts until then. I can go to bed feeling like the world is coming to an end and then wake up the next morning and not even remember what I was so worked up about. Things are fine with the guy. I guess I just had to redefine it in my head... well, I'm still in that process. I fit into a different category in his life, I think, and that's ok. In fact, it has to be ok because there isn't much I can do about it to change things. Having said that, I really have no idea what he thinks of me, but I'll let him figure it out.

At least it isn't tearing me up inside. Not for now... hopefully this is a permanent thing. My family had a game night last night. It was hilarious. I've never heard my step-mom say "f---!" so many times. I love her. She is the reason I talk to my dad; she keeps him in line; she makes just as much (and more, now) money as he does, and I think that intimidates him. It isn't like things were with my mom. My mom is smart-- she had a 4.0 when she got her master's and did it all while working full time. But my dad makes more money, and I think he felt like he had some financial leverage or authority to do things he shouldn't. Time to be vague-- sorry. I don't want to think back to those times.

But things are great. I don't know how it happened. I was on my mission... of course... holy crap, can I tell a story where I wasn't on my mission? I was thinking about it. I was talking about it. And, suddenly, I didn't feel angry anymore. Over a couple of years, that bonfire had been dying, and I felt the glow of those last few embers extinguish. I have my step-mom to thank. She stopped him from feeding the fire.

But I digress.... as I am wont to do

The trillion blogs. I felt like I was reading my own posts, like they knew my thoughts. They left the church. Will I, too? But like one of them said, I try to do what is right, and I can feel it tearing me up inside. To live the Gospel is to sacrifice, I know. Where do I go? Well, I'm going to go to church this morning, so I guess that's a start.

Makedamnsure

Well, I feel like I need to bury last night's post and reestablish the fact that I'm not insane...

It is never a good idea to blog when you're very frustrated, and it's late at night... you just end up sounding crazy. But I'll leave it. In the extremely unlikely case that you stumble across my blog and know who I am... well, I guess we'll cross that bridge when we get to it. I picture awkward laughs, and then I'd employ some kind of emergency escape tactic to get out of the situation. From that point on, I'd wave nervously at you from a distance. What was I talking about?

Oh yeah, I'll keep the post. But I'm not mad. I was, kind of... until I realized it was kind of retarded to be mad. Yeah, I can be mad that things didn't work out ideally, but I went into it understanding that there was (and I quote) "an expiration date." On top of that, the guy needs alone time a lot. I can actually understand that one, too. So as much as I may want things to be different, it'll be ok.

I have the most hilarious niece in the world. She is the only grandchild on this side of the family which means she is spoiled. But it's hard because she's legitimately cute-- not like those ugly kids where they try to be cute, but it is kind of gross, you know? Anyway, I just think it's funny that I can't say "no" to her. Well, I can if I get my game face on, but if she catches me off guard, I just say "yes." Yes, I'll play with you. Yes, you can have more cookie dough. Yes, I'll get you some chocolate milk. Yes, we can go outside and swing. How am I ever going to handle being a parent? It's especially hard because she's just barely learning to say my name, so I hear "Uncle ___? garble garble garble chocolate milk?" If you can say no to that, you must be dead inside.

The freaking heat and humidity is also causing flashbacks of my mission. Thank goodness I don't actually have to go outside in it unless I'm going to the lake or getting in an air-conditioned car. How did I ever do it in a shirt and tie while riding a bike? There were weeks and weeks where it was well over 100 during the day with plenty of humidity. I remember a point in time where I considered anything below 70 to be way cold. 

There was this one time where it was raining a ton. My comp (who was the senior comp) and I got home from church, ate lunch, and looked over our plans for the day. It was raining, and we had planned to tract. I'm stubborn. So was he. He wanted to go squat at the bishop's house. We argued. I told him we'd get blessed with someone to teach if we went and knocked doors like we had planned... he was mad but agreed to go. We tracted for five hours in the rain. Not a single person let us in or showed even the slightest interest in having us come back to teach them. My socks were wet. It was cold. 

It's funny how I like things to be methodical and predictable, yet no matter how hard I try, my life turns out so unexpectedly. If I join the church and stay faithful, I'll be cured. If I tract in the rain for five hours like I promised the Lord, He'll bless me with people to teach. 

I feel like I can look back and appreciate it, now. At the time, I was crushed. How could it turn out like that? I really felt like we were going to find someone. I really felt like this obstacle would go away. It has, kind of. It has in a way that I wasn't expecting. I'm ok with it. I'm ok with the fact that this is something I have to deal with. I don't know how it'll end or what path I'll ultimately choose, but I don't have to beat myself up for it. My life isn't going to go according to procedure, I guess. 

We ended up back on one of those streets a week or so later. I can't remember how we ran into them, but this young couple literally begged us to come in and teach them. They apologized for turning us away that Sunday. He had even gotten his coat and keys and was going to come get us, but his wife had just had surgery, and he didn't want to leave her alone.

Methodical? Procedural? You see? I keep getting mixed signals. I'm not learning the big lesson. Or maybe I did, and I don't want to admit it. It means admitting I'm weak. It means letting the realization hurt. 

Is quoting poetry gay? I think it is... 

"As lightning to the children eased

With explanation kind,

The truth must dazzle gradually

Or every man be blind"

Emily Dickinson wrote it. I don't read poetry, but my sister loves Emily Dickinson. I only heard that poem once, but I haven't forgotten it. I think she's right. I think that's what's happening to me... my life is coming into focus in a weird, gradual way. I'm confused, if you haven't noticed... This post was too long.

I miss him.

I miss what he used to be.

Por Que Te Vas?

A bunny fell down the window well a couple nights ago. I was sleeping in the basement, and I wondered what that thud was that I heard against the window. Well, we discovered the little guy at noon the next day... he was having a heat stroke or something by then. My mom and I got some water and broccoli, and I scooped the bunny out (didn't touch it with my bare hands!) and put him in the shade in the ditch. Well, he seized and died. It was sad. The whole time, I kept singing that "Little Bunny Foo Foo" song in my head... 

And Transformers 2 may possibly be the strangest movie I've ever seen. If you don't want me to ruin it for you, then don't read this paragraph. But for goodness sake, Shia goes to robot heaven upon momentarily dying! Then, he receives advice from the heavenly robots and comes back to life! They took something really cliche and made it worse. Or the "You have to let go of your son! Let him go! You have to let go of your son!" little exchange between mom, dad, and sam... Besides that, I liked the movie.

I deleted the rest of this post. It wasn't me. I hated looking at it. I ran 14.5 miles, and that's all you need to know.

You Know How I Do

I sat down to blog last night. He called. I sat down, again. He called, again. I gave it another try this morning, and he called, again.

Yup, still head over heels. Being in love is confusing.

And all of my blogging steam completely dissipated after talking to him that much. I don't understand what he thinks about me, what he thinks about us. At first, I chalked it up to a very confusing friendship, then a relationship, then a friendship, all dotted with random points in time where I was pretty sure he had no interest (platonic or otherwise) in me. Not really stability at all, is it? Maybe the fact that I value stability so much has blinded me to the stability that does exist in my life. I come home, and my family is here and unchanged-- in a good way. They aren't static or anything, it's just that I don't come back and find that they are completely different people.

And then there's this one guy that I've completely fallen for, and I can't read him. I can't understand what he thinks or place myself in some kind of category in his life. I tend to expect the worst but hope that I'm wrong until I receive some kind of definitive answer. He made out with that other guy. I thought that was pretty definitive-- I was something, and then I got replaced. But then he calls, and things are back to normal, but I have those thoughts still in the back of my mind.

It'd be easy if I weren't in love. It'd be easy just not to care, but I do. I'm trying to be more passive. I guess I need to hold on to the stable parts of my life while this one aspect continues to morph, shift, change. He needs to figure things out, and I can't expedite or resolve that stuff for him. So I'll play it by ear, I guess... reminds me of the suzuki kids in symphony-- lots of them couldn't sight-read music to save their life. Once they went home and listened to it, they were good to go. But I digress

I'm playing it by ear. I can't change the fact that I really care about this guy, and I can't change the fact that he's trying to figure out what he wants in his life, so I'll just take the passenger seat for now and hold on to the parts of my life that are stable.

It's strange. It's fascinating and beautiful in a really, really frustrating way. I love that everyone seems to think that my life is so well put together. My parents talk to me about problems that they're having, problems my siblings are having. They ask for advice and help. My siblings do the same. Would it be the same if they knew everything about me? 

I hope he calls.

I hope he shows up on my doorstep.

Hey, I can hope, right?

Strange. Amazing.

Army

Well, that was a long break from blogging... I don't even know where to pick up. I'll start with the crappy stuff, first.

So, amazing (and confusing) day on Friday, he leaves Saturday, then I have to start studying for finals to take during the next week. Jump to Tuesday. I'm sitting there with a kid from one of my classes, and we are trying to study for the final, which I was planning to take the next  morning. The guy texts me. "I did something that I'm not proud of," he texts.

"What was it?" I asked.

"I called up a guy I used to know here, and we made out."

I kinda started at my phone for a bit, then at my computer... "I don't know what to say to that," I told him. 

"I don't either. I just get these stupid urges that I don't say 'no' to," he wrote back.

I felt like shit. I hate cussing, but it's the truth-- I did. I suddenly did not care about my finals, All I could think about was how ridiculously crappy I felt. I've been replaced. He mentioned the kid once before-- way hot, close by (relatively speaking). I can't compete with that. I just kept staring and wondering what the hell I had gotten myself into. 

The really reasonable part of me understood that he wasn't in this for any kind of long-term relationship. We had never had any kind of dtr, we never started with the intention of dating or anything; we were just looking for some friendly support dealing with the crappiest situation ever.

The unreasonable part of me felt betrayed, used. I wanted to cry or something... but I don't cry (not 'cuz I think its gay... although that really isn't a concern of mine... I just don't). I couldn't focus. All I could think about was how I was replaced, and there was nothing I could do about it. I could be angry at myself for getting too emotionally invested in this. I did, in fact, get angry at myself. I was in love with this kid. Whether I should have been or not is irrelevant. I was. I am. And I came to the painful realization that it really was just something physical for him. It didn't seem that way at first, but I guess I kind of knew it for the past month or so. But I love him. I hate it so much. I hate that I can't be mad. I hate that I can't compartmentalize myself-- just enclose this crappy feeling and function in spite of it. I have to deal with this, and I'm not sure exactly how to go about that.

I had to go home. Instead of leaving Thursday, I woke up the next morning, crammed for my finals, emptied my apartment and packed up my stuff, finished my finals, and drove home. It was empowering just to pick up and leave. I just figured everything would be better when I got home. The drive sucked... 18 hours of torture. My family is pretty hardcore when it comes to road-tripping, so I only slept for two hours during the trip. And actually, it was kind of nice for most of the trip. I had a chance to think. I didn't even have the music on for the first six hours. I just thought. I was getting suicidal the last four hours of the trip, but that's to be expected.

I got home. Everything was better. I love my family, and I know they love me, and that feeling is priceless for me. It really is. 

I talked to the guy a little bit. We've just texted. We haven't talked anymore about his rendezvous with this other kid. I don't know what to think. It made all of these crappy feelings about myself come flooding back. He's so far away, and I know that nothing can happen anymore between us, but I just wasn't ready for him to move so fast. I hate caring so much. 

But I'm home, and everything does seem better. I'm surrounded by people that are ok with the person that I am. They don't know I'm gay, but that wouldn't bother them, either. 

I can't remember what I was doing the other night when I got home, but I was overwhelmed by this feeling that everything is going to be alright. I know it is.

Spinning

Dammit.

I couldn't handle myself for one day? It felt good-- having him back felt good. But apparently I have no self-control. On my bed. For that moment, I felt so happy. Even afterwards. We hung out for the entire day... I picked him up from the airport, we went to get something to eat, headed back to my apartment-- that was the problem. But afterwards, we went out. I still felt happy. Then, I dropped him off. Then, it sunk in. What have I done? What am I doing?

I'm in love. I shouldn't be. I can't be. Not with him. This isn't what he wants. I don't even know if this is what I want. I felt so good. It didn't last. Well, it did. But the guilt started creeping in-- knowing this isn't what I'm supposed to be but not being able to change it. I'm not strong enough to change it. Not now, at least.

We were lying there. It felt like everything would be alright.

Why did I have to fall for him? I was done for after that first date... didn't even think it was a date at the time, but after the fact, I felt so completely-- I don't know how to describe it. And then he left for a week, but we called every day. I couldn't wait until he got back. I sat and stared at this really, really important test that I had to take, and I kept smiling... kept daydreaming. The test was timed, and I barely finished it because I spent so much time thinking about him. I was going to kiss him. I had made up my mind. He came back, we kissed... a lot. It's been a really strange relationship. I'm really not sure what to classify it as, but the gay half of me feels really great. The other half knows this isn't getting me nearer to what it wants. 

Which half am I?

Honestly

I'm grateful for pandora. It takes the guesswork out of naming my posts. 

He's coming back for the weekend...

uh...

I'd be lying if I didn't say I am ridiculously excited. I am. I can just feel it pulling at my heart, you know? yanking it around and everything. This is not stability. This is a weird, emotional roller coaster-- the kind that makes you really queasy, where you get off and don't remember what direction you're facing. Stability doesn't do that to you. It also doesn't make you feel this good. Maybe this will help soften the whole thing for me, though. I made it a week... granted, we've been texting and talking on the phone, but still made it. Maybe this'll be a boost to get me through a long time? Or maybe I just won't have to go a long time?

We'll see. Tomorrow. I'm excited.

And I will be on my way home exactly seven days from now. I will be so happy to see my family, sleep in a big bed, drink organic chocolate milk-- a beverage even more heavenly than the BYU creamery's. I'm excited to gain weight, start swimming, run a marathon... I think I may have to wait until after the marathon to gain weight...

But I need a list of things to do. No job and staying at home all day might be grounds for suicide, even though I love my family to death. It's just that they all work, so I would be killing myself somewhere between 8 and 5. So yeah, I'm trying to come up with things to fill my time. I'm going to shadow a doctor, help my sister relaunch her web company, translate at health clinics, do landscaping for my mom's and dad's houses. Oh yeah, and I'm teaching music lessons (and how can you not feel cool doing that?)... nothing brings back memories like kids getting ready for all-state auditions. 

So there you have it, a summer full of fulfilling activities. And since I don't have a "history" in the "gay mormon" kinda way back home, it won't be on my mind so much. It never is when I'm there. Maybe that's why I want to go back home once I'm finished with school... maybe that's why I want to finish school as soon as possible. My family wants me to go to med school. Maybe they're right, but I spend a lot of time feeling like I should just get out of here. I looked at transferring schools, but the business school is excellent here, and I'd be at a huge disadvantage to either transfer to another good school and lack prerequisites or go to a not-so-good school. 

Anyway, the term is ending. One more day left of classes. I was getting five hours of sleep a night for the past four or five days, and it was killing me. Almost all big projects and tests are finished... just need to hold out a few more days.

I have butterflies in my stomach. This is so gay. But I can't wait for tomorrow.

Manda Una Senal

Two blog posts in two days-- that's a first. I just have to say that I went to sacrament meeting today, and someone actually used the phrase "with every fiber of my being"... I submit that if you can't express your feelings without the use of cliche phrases, just don't say anything. Trust me-- it'll make you look better. 

And there was a certain amount of irony last night in that I made a post to my blog about not answering 2 a.m. calls, and he called at 12:30. I was glad, though. Like I said, I miss him. 

Being in love is the suckiest, most amazing thing I've ever experienced. 

Being a gay mormon is quite possibly the strangest choice I've made... well, the mormon part. Is it weird that it feels right?

No Ha Parado de Llover

I'm feeling a lot better-- not great, but better. I've been so ridiculously busy with my classes that I haven't even had time to wallow... and I guess, in a way, it's helped prove to me that life goes on.

I've been thinking about the things that I'm going to try to do differently now.

I'm going to try not to be so available. I stopped my world for him-- seriously. Skipped classes, cancelled plans, answered the 2 a.m. calls, bailed him out big time (long story that I really shouldn't tell... a first, right?). I don't regret having done some of that stuff, but all of it? Yeah. Why did I do that? And then, suddenly, I establish myself as submissive or spineless or dependent or something... I'm not that way. I guess that I was caught so off my guard that I was defenseless. He told me things I wasn't expecting to hear.

I need to have a life that is separate from them. I guess that comes with the "not being so available" thing. Yes, it has the chance to be really fulfilling and great, but that doesn't mean that I can suddenly neglect all of the other things that give meaning to my life. I was way too dependent. I was way too desperate to have that void filled, so nothing else seemed to matter. I'm gradually realizing that it left me in kind of a crappy position. Thank goodness it isn't too far off from the time I'll be leaving here to go home, but still...

I need to be ok with the person that I am. I can't expect to find someone that likes me for me if I don't act like myself around them. I was looking for validation or something, and I found it, but it really isn't validation if those sentiments didn't exist independently within me. 

I'm not bitter-- for real. I'm not mad. I still like him a lot. I still miss him a lot. I guess I just want to change and somehow do a better job of this next time around... if there is one? 

 I never asked for anything in return. Should I have? Am I really crappy at maintaining relationships? Do I suck at dating? haha. I have no idea. Maybe I can find someone else who's equally as bad, but then maybe nothing would ever come to fruition. 

Well, I've got the whole summer to do some self-evaluation, I guess. 

Ahora, ha parado de llover el corazon. Todavia me duele, pero asi es la vida... tengo paz, por lo menos, y eso me basta.

Existentialism on Prom Night

If anyone else is thinking about walking out of my life, now might be a good time. 

I just keep telling myself that if I can get my craziness out onto this, I can be sane in real life.

We hung out yesterday-- it was the last time I'd see him before he moves. The realistic part of me knows that I probably won't see him anymore at all. The desperate part hopes I'm wrong. I know it is probably for the best, but it's hard to believe. It was hard to say goodbye... not so much in the moment, but I'm finally starting to grasp the finality of it. 

But the story gets better.

The girl calls me up in the evening and wants to see me before she moves away (permanently). And then I saw her today just for a little bit. I stood there in her back yard and tried to look her in the eye and explain why I'm not in any position to have any kind of a relationship-- especially a long-distance one. Part of me wants to explore and see what it's like, but I can't do it with her. I was looking her in the eye and hating the fact that the only thing keeping us from having a fulfilling relationship is the fact that I was on my bed, making out with a guy two hours earlier and realizing how much I was going to miss him (and for more than making out). I want to have something more than a platonic attraction to girls, but I don't know how to fix that. I tried to ignore it. Maybe I didn't try hard enough.

But honestly, there was something really fulfilling about being with that guy. And I can't decide whether I wish I could still have it or that it never happened. I'm not bitter about it. In fact, I'm exactly the opposite, and that's why I kind of feel like I wish it never happened. Now, I have to find a way to go on and pretend like it wasn't amazing, like I didn't love it, like I didn't love him. I don't know if I can do that. I don't want to do that.

What I want is currently irrelevant because all options have packed their bags and left the state. So I stay here and stare at my homework, wondering what is going to happen with my life. I can't cut the Church out of my life, though that would make things so much easier. But I can't have the church in my life to the extent that I'd like without cutting the "gay" out of my life... but apparently that is a lot harder than it looks.

I'm going to do 15 miles tomorrow... maybe out of frustration. But at least all I focus on at the time is not stepping in holes, on loose rocks, on snakes. For at least a couple of hours, I can forget about the fact that I am torn in a lot of different ways.

I cried last night. It was my third time in more than three years. It was more frustration than anything. I hate that I can't decide what I want. I hate that I feel like I can't be completely happy with either path. I hate that it's like a freakin broken record. This is what it always comes back to. I was trying to find out what I wanted. I guess that trying to play for both teams wasn't helping too much. 

I'd like to put my "ssa" on the shelf for a little while. I'm going home in 2 weeks and a few hours. I'll be able to do it then. There is absolutely no chance of finding and hooking up with a guy out there... mostly because I don't have any connections whatsoever to that scene. And I'm convinced that I'd get an STD and die if I ever tried anything. I guess acting on it is only half of the problem, though. Being around my family takes my mind off of that stuff and helps me get a little more grounded. 

I miss him a lot. I wish I didn't.

My life is going to be ok. I'm sure it is. I'm just not exactly sure how or when.