Guess the blogging hiatus was unplanned. What is there to tell you?
My summer break has officially begun... just in time to start working... but what can you do? First of all, I'm so poor that I really have to work. And it's about time. I don't even really remember what it's like to have a job, and every time I look at my resume, I'm reminded of how pathetic that is. But no more.
What else?
I'm feeling the pull of the church. I thought I had severed the emotional ties, but they're creeping back. I've been going this whole time, but I felt kinda unplugged, you know? Anyway, one of my friends has been taking the discussions and everything. I went with the missionaries to a lesson and started feeling the stuff I used to feel.
I was thinking about it yesterday in the car. What would I say? What would I tell my friend after I help her into the Gospel and then proceed to leave it?
I'm not willing to live a life of neglect and loneliness on the belief that it will prepare me to live the opposite life in the eternities. It's hard for me to believe that I can find true happiness there if I can't find it here. So I'll do the best I can with what I have, and I won't have any regrets about it.
It's hard to type when I'm groggy.
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I still often wonder if I could not have stayed in the church in some way. In fact even having left, and having my name removed I sometimes think that I still want to attend. I personally have seen enough evidence to know that the church is not what it claims, but at the same time it is still such a force for good in the lives of so many and even myself. My bishop at one point said that there was a place for everyone in the church, and I am not sure that is truly true, but I wish that it was.
ReplyDeleteI like the last part of your post - We all have to just do the best that we can with what we know, and what we have. I for one don't believe that God wants us to be unhappy all of the time. I don't think he wants us to feel put down. I think he wants us to shine. I think he wants us to love ourselves so that we can love and help others. ANYWAY, now that I have rambled on and on... Sorry.
I definitely agree. I'm trying to figure out how the church fits in my life and what I want from it, but like you said, God doesn't want us to be miserable.
ReplyDeleteAnd no, you weren't rambling on and on haha. I actually really appreciate hearing your thoughts.