Half of My Heart

The honest truth is that I'm never going to be "bulky" muscular.

Having said that, I just spent most of the day digging and hauling 80-lbs blocks in awkward positions. It's not going to make me bulky, but it definitely gets me in shape. And I got a little tanner. The day was a complete success...

It was supposedly 105-degree heat index out there. All I can say is that after my mission, I have never, ever felt hot. Biking in an oven--that's what it was. Steaming, biking, baking... doing yard work in a shirt and tie. It was like being in hell, I think. Granted, I also had the most delicious food of my life being constantly shoved down my throat at the turn of every corner. I tend to be perpetually hungry, but for those two years, I was full... and didn't gain a pound... never going to be bulky...

I was thinking, though, as I was working. I was remembering this time where my companion and I were helping some guys take down a shed/garage thing. It was so hot and humid; giant cockroaches were crawling out from under the piles of rubble. "You may be white," one of them told me, "but you work hard like a Mexican. I didn't believe you were actually going to be able to do anything to help."

If he weren't Mexican, I might not have felt complimented.

But that's not the point I'm trying to make. I give myself a lot of crap for the person that I'm not. I find myself wondering why I'm not the aggressive, confrontational, confident kid I used to be. I give myself crap for feeling shy sometimes...

But that confident kid was also lazy, proud, an elitist, an asshole. That kid wouldn't have actually been able to do anything to help. That kid would have never offered to begin with.

I can, in no way, consider myself fully formed or transformed or oriented or rehabilitated or whatever the hell it is called. But I have changed, and it has been for the better. I guess I should focus on that a little more.