If We Ever Meet Again

I'm hoping that we can just go back to the way things were in Thursday's post...

Bear with me, here.

I'm just having a brief freak-out in which I'm wondering if I made the right choice to commit to being here and working for an extended period of time. I'm worried that it isn't going to be fulfilling, I'm worried that I'm going to want to kill my parents, I'm worried that there is some part of life that is somehow passing me up by my being so far removed from what I consider to be "the world."

It's not a big deal. It shouldn't be, at least. So why do I find myself feeling like I might have made the wrong choice?

I guess there was something in today that unearthed feelings I thought I had laid to rest with an attempt to fully embrace reality. There are so many reasons why this decision was the right one, but I'm missing Provo. I miss being in a place where I new I wasn't the sole member of a moho community... even though I didn't participate in it, it was still nice to know that there were other guys walking around campus who were dealing with these same things. It's pretty safe to say that there's none of that here.

Maybe I should just work on myself for right now. Maybe it's a good thing that I am removed from the BYU community...

Or maybe I'm going to reach a point where I reach every goal I set only to realize I was aiming in the wrong direction. And we're back to it: leaping into the darkness--leaping and hoping we land on solid ground. I guess that maybe there's something to be said for embracing the unknown. In the end, I guess I we are better people for leaping into the darkness and falling than cowering in the dimly lit circle of what is familiar and (if we are lucky) comfortable.

Although it seems like I've been managing to land on uneven ground in areas that I crave stability and surety, the cuts and bruises and scars inevitably make me feel alive.

So I'll tell you what- I'm gonna grow an effin pair and push on.

I'm also going to brush my teeth, wash my face, and go to bed. Things always look better in the daylight.