Better Days

My pandora station is not making me feel better.

I think this is gonna be one of those "type the crazy out and never post" kinda posts. We have a natural inclination to be consistent, I learned in one of my classes... not really big news, but it was verifying. That probably explains the reason why I feel like shit every time I "take a step backwards." How can I have so much resolution in one moment and then seemingly lose it all in the next?

I gotta cut myself some slack, I know. I'm just having trouble. The perfectionist in me is sometimes less rehabilitated than I'd like to think.

It's just that I have my secret weapon of staying super busy... not so secret... and then the moment I have free time, down time, it all catches up to me. "It'll work out," I keep telling myself. The farther I get, the less I've done, the more I have to do, the more I feel like I'm failing at so many things.

But my afan (I'm sorry. It's Spanish. Look it up. I promise I'm not being a tool. It's the best word I can come up with, and I don't want to pull out my dictionary) to accomplish all of this stuff is negated by the fact that I can't profess confidence and a belief in my capabilities if I spend those same moments ensuring that I'm hiding the defective parts of me. Yeah, I mean it when I say that I've stopped caring about being gay. But I haven't stopped caring about where I want to get, and it'd be tricky (read: impossible) to navigate that if I'm open about being gay. Getting out of school will help; until then, I've got to find a way to make this work.

And then the guy is throwing himself at me. Where were you six months ago? I can't bring myself to feel it anymore. And this other kid is (unintentionally or otherwise) tugging at my heartstrings in the worst way possible.

And I find myself listing the reasons why this can't work out. The echo of my credo slowly dies, but I cling, wondering if I am strong or foolish.

Not to feel, to temporarily forfeit the human parts of me... sounds nice... nice, but impossible.

Clinging. Here's to hope.

I'll publish it.