Love Drunk

And I'm posting instead of going to bed.

To say this week has been busy would be an understatement. 3 tests down, 3 to go, and 1 per week (or more) until the end of the semester. I'm so glad it keeps me busy.

I think I'm getting less concerned with my physical shape, too... haha. No belly yet, don't think I'll ever have that problem, but I'm definitely getting less toned. I manage to go running about twice a week. I mean, I'm busy, but I'm sure I could find a way if I really wanted to. It's just that there's no one to impress... nothing I'd be accomplishing. Granted, the running is more for me-- a way to unwind and sort my thoughts--but everything else was... well, anyways...

I can feel the shift, the solidifying of the decision I've made. I can feel my life coming together. There was something thrilling, exhilarating, and chaos-inducing... the instability, the insecurity... and I'm around these girls that I think would always be there, be stable, foster something deeper. I feel safe.

And I'm reading my scriptures, I'm praying, I'm making good choices. I'm getting things back in line with what I think I want to be, what I'm wanting to be. If I could make an unconditional commitment, that would be ideal, but I'll take what I can get. I'll take this desire and run with it. I guess I'm not ready. I kind of miss it, but I'm not ready. And the connection is kind of supplied through my friends. Maybe that was what I was craving... I know I'm gay and am not expecting it to magically disappear, but I feel the intensity diminishing.

And 2 girls. Both asked me out... guess I should work on being a little more traditional. But I like them. I think I could develop something deeper with them. I just wish I could be sure; I don't want to arrive at a future point where I can't take things further, get married, you know?

And please make this:

2/3 c sugar

1/4 c cocoa

1/4 c corn starch

1/4 tsp salt

2 c milk

1/2 c milk

1 egg

2 TBSP Butter

a little less than 1 tsp vanilla (or more if you like it)

Whisk the sugar, cocoa, corn starch, and salt. Slowly whisk in 2 c milk. Microwave for four minutes or so. Mix in extra 1/2 c milk and egg. Microwave for 1 minute intervals until pudding thickens. Once it is at the consistency you want, stir in the butter and vanilla.

Eat it. Eat it while it is warm. Eat it and feel better. It's hard to be unhappy at all when you sit down and eat a whole bowl of that stuff.

And my outlook on life: scary, exhilarating, unknown... but I feel like I'm approaching it all from a stable foundation, a base, and I feel so much better. This is what I need... maybe it isn't permanent, you know? But it is what I need for right now.

The situation, the people, the timing, I know I'm where I need to be. I don't miss the guy--not anymore. I don't need that validation.

I felt this intense, undeniable pressure from expectations I felt like everyone in my life had placed on me: my family, my friends, my ward. But they're a thousand miles away. Here, I feel different. Here, no one seems to expect anything of me. I have time to take care of what I expect of me, what He expects of me...

In 2 Kings: 6, The king of Syria is pissed 'cuz somehow Israel always knows what his next move is going to be. He finds out about Elisha and sends an army to encircle his city, to bring him back. Elisha and his servant wake up in the morning and look out and see an army surrounding the city. "Alas, my master!" the servant says, "How shall we do?"

"And he answered, Fear not: for they that be with us are more than they that be with them."

"And Elisha prayed, and said, Lord, I pray thee, open his eyes that he may see. And the Lord opened the eyes of the young man; and he saw: and behold, the mountain was full of horses and chariots of fire round about Elisha."

Is it true? Sometimes, I thought I felt them. I felt them in my mission, I think. I think I feel them now. The fight--it'll be a fight--to do what I really think is right... it'll suck, just like it always has. But with the help of heaven? To deny or to miraculously change (though miraculous change is certainly welcome) isn't necessarily what I'm expecting... just the help to do what I think is going to make me happy at this point in my life.

I'm glad for what happened. I'm glad that I learned to connect on a deeper level, recognize that I actually have emotions, deal with them. I'm glad that it happened. I'm glad that it made me cry. I'm glad that it tore me up inside and forced me to recognize the blessings I have unknowingly received from the Gospel, the gradual, miraculous change that affected so many parts of my life, just not the part that I was fixated on; I'm glad that I felt the absence of the Gospel light in my life, a void much deeper and darker than the one I was trying to fill... I'm not ready to give it up. I can't give it up--not yet.

The Formal Weather Pattern

This week.

I can't believe a new one is about to start. I feel like it's a mad dash for Friday.

But today, I have a test, a project to finish, and two more tests to study for, Monday homework to finish, a football game to consider watching. I'm going to try my hardest to be as anti-social as possible. Last Saturday, I wasn't... and I kicked myself the next three nights for the 5 1/2 hours of sleep that I was getting. I can't function on that. I'm an 8-hours-of-sleep kinda guy, and I've decided there's no use in trying to deny that.

But last night was fun. We hiked up to the hot pots... I've never been there before. The name evoked some odd mental images; however, it was really, really pretty, cool, stinky. I don't really crave hard-boiled eggs right now.

And then, there's today, tomorrow, the new week. Things are comfortable--in the good way.

I saw two shooting stars when I was up there. I made a wish--the same wish--on both stars.

A Little Less Sixteen Candles

So much to do.

I don't really know why I felt the urge to blog. I guess I'm glad to have semi-reliable internet in my apartment... finally. I guess that this is where I come when I feel like I need to deal with the gay.

I have been really busy but really entertained in my classes. I feel like the things that I'm learning are applicable, are contributing to my future. It's nice. I like the people in my classes, too. I tend to forget that I'm competing with them because it doesn't feel like that.

And the people in my ward, my complex are great. I forgot that I could actually make friends. I forgot that I get shy around people that I don't know. I forgot what "awkward" felt like with new people. Usually, the only awkward moments I experience are ones when I say something inappropriate and/or offensive, but I can only filter for so long before something slips by, undetected.

I can feel a craving for the connection. I can't, though. I can't do it. I have to take a break, pull myself together, learn from this last time. I don't understand how I can fall so willingly, so quickly. It's dangerous, I know. But I can't have the connection. This is a really important year for me, and I need to do well. At best, I would be completely distracted and enamored. At worst, I'd be kicked out of school for going too far and then confessing or getting caught.

I can function without it. I miss it. I can make it, though.

Sometimes I feel like I have this so that I can spend more time in the service of others. I mean, I could study hard and become a doctor that saves lives, or I could build up a business... and sell it... and live on an island for a couple of years, and then found some great non-profit organization, feed starving children, give people glasses, things like that. But then I remember that I don't want to be alone, that I like feeling like I'm working for someone's benefit, someone that I love.

I found out that my cousin is dying of cancer. I remember her taking me swimming when I was five. I thought she was so funny. She is one of the few people that makes me reconsider taking my life at family gatherings with that side. And my other cousin got married to his boyfriend this past weekend.

And then there's me. The things that people think, the things that they would think if they knew... my parents found his number in the phone bill records. They thought that maybe it was my girlfriend. They added his number to friends and family. I told them it was a guy-- one of my friends. They still ask me about dating. I was going to tell them this summer, but I feel like telling them will make it final, will create a whole different set of expectations, add a wave of landmines to the winding, careful path. I'm having trouble enough with the path and trying not to blow myself up.

I stood on the side of the mountain the other day. I ate my nature valley bar and looked out over the valley-- just like in the commercial.

Ok. Back to homework. But you-- you always listen. Thanks.

1812

My first experience playing it was as a freshman at all-state.

Russian composers treated winds differently. So Tchaikovsky had that going for him. Then, there was his whole "interesting" life. I can't help but identify with him. I think I played it in ensembles 4 more times and heard it performed by the CSO this summer on the lawn at the Ravinia park... if that's how you spell it.

But I digress.

Ok, I have to level with you:

I had gotten over the guy, it's true. There was silence for a little while, and it was at the same time that I could feel myself changing. There was some other stuff, too, but I'm not too big on little details when I'm trying to get to a point. Anyway, I wasn't sure what he was expecting, you know? Because he used to be really transparent, up front...

And so I took it as a sign and made up my mind that it was done, that I wasn't going to pine or mourn. There's too much for me to do to deal with that.

Tonight, I sit down to write a spanish paper, finish an accounting report, analyze a case, do some number-crunching, understand the world economy (haha)... So much homework requiring a lot of focus, uninterrupted time...

"Sorry. I can't talk to you anymore. My bishop is serious."

What the hell am I supposed to feel? Part of me wishes it was por su propia voluntad. It throws me. I guess things shouldn't change, though... right?

But I feel bad, now. It was the catalyst, I guess. My island suddenly got very lonely and dark. I had come to terms, I was ok, I was focused and working and happy.

Part of me figured that this would happen, you know? I mean, I don't think my bishop is the kind of guy that would ever ban me from talking to guys like me, but maybe he would if it were a guy that I used to make out with... even if he were living a thousand miles away.

It just makes it hard. It makes it an unclean break.

I can't get it out, again. This blog is a horrible mess. I just want it to go away. I don't want that feeling anymore. I hate loving and knowing- knowing that it isn't right to feel that way but knowing that those feelings are about as sincere of emotions as I have ever experienced. And I feel myself physically separating, warring over principles that are all inseparably intertwined with what I feel is my spirit. It is a complete dichotomy. The success of one is entirely dependent on the denial, defeat of the other. Coexisting is not a choice; not choosing leads to not existing, to floating and functioning on a level that doesn't recognize emotion. Then, life becomes pointless, colorless.

The journey, the fight shapes and scars and directs me, I know. But I wish I could have a different journey. I don't know if I knew or understood the challenge in the pre-existence. I wish I could have had a different one. I could handle an addiction, I could handle my parents disowning me, I could handle religious persecution because it would all come from the outside. This comes from within, and I apparently know how to put up a good fight with myself.

Just let me forget this, God. Just let this part of me be ripped off and thrown away.

I talked to my dad about internships back at home. He knows lots of people since getting to know really rich people was pretty much his job. I can tell he wants me to go to med school. So does everyone else. I just feel like I should take my life in this direction. If I could get an internship back at home, that would be ideal. If not, I'll try for one somewhere else, but I really liked being around my family this summer... even if I was lazy and didn't have a job. We'll see. The job market isn't great, I know, but I can't keep making decisions in fear of the future. To plan for it is one thing, I think, but to cease to do those things that you really like because of it is another. If this is really what I'm passionate about, I won't have a problem getting a job. I won't have a problem because the connections really are in place, so I shouldn't have to worry. I just don't like uncertainty. I don't like risk unless it is calculated, thought out, and intentionally taken. That will either serve me well or put a gun to my head.

We'll see.

Ok. Thanks for listening... It'll be a sad day when my blog refuses to post my entries.

But please, if there's a guide that you could send my way? You could put it under my pillow, in my mailbox, I'd even go to the top of Timp. The scriptures, I know, but I'm asking for something that is plain, concise... if you could. I mean, I know you've got other things to worry about...

Remember When It Rained?

I've successfully created an island. I feel like I felt a year ago... which makes me wonder if I've changed at all.

Something happened. It abruptly ended with the guy, I think? I don't understand. I feel different, though. I feel angry for the things that I should feel angry about. I've suddenly stopped feeling the same way about him.

And I'm an island. I'm safe, and so is everyone else.

Try to connect, I know. But not too much-- not so much that I hurt someone like I did with the girl, the guy, myself.

I'm sad that I feel safe. I'm sad that I'm afraid of ever trying to connect with someone, again. The ambivalence intensifies. I'm currently a swirling pot of slightly cold/slightly warm... but the connection was like ice and steam, intensified my confusion, blurred my vision, twisted and forked my path. This is easier. There is no path to choose with it. The path that I'm on has nothing to do with liking boys or girls... It just requires good grades, hard work, friends with a little distance between us, sleep, exercise, good music.

I've been 100%. I feel more at peace with myself, more certain that the Lord is pleased with my efforts.

I'd like to blame my conscience on the Church, on its doctrine, but it exists as a deeper, even more permanent part of my self. It existed even before I was a member of the church.

But there's a part of me that wonders if I'm missing out on something amazing-- something difficult but sincere.

Damn it!

To make up your mind, dude, would be a miracle. To decide, to point myself in a direction and go and forget regret... to not look back.

I don't want to be an island. I don't want to be separate, distanced. But I really, really don't want to hurt anyone else, hurt myself... for brief moments, it hurts to be this way. It goes away. My friends come over, I pray, I sleep, I start my homework, I take the first step of that trail. And hours, dreams, miles later, I feel ok. I can continue.

This stupid life: frustratingly excellent. Hurting, humbling, humanizing me. It forces me to feel things that I hate feeling. It forces me to see myself differently, to look in the mirror and see someone raw, unrefined, jagged. It makes me look at others differently, too. It makes me nicer, more caring, more compassionate. They become my proxy for myself. I treat them well in an effort to treat myself well.

Not getting it out.

It'll be ok. I know it will.

The trail is hard to run. It's ugly and uphill for the first mile. Then, the view suddenly becomes amazing, my steps get lighter, my thoughts start to wander out across the valley. I know it is where I'm supposed to be.

This trail... where to start? The view, I guess, really is beautiful...

I'm Waiting

I'm reading my scriptures, I'm praying, I'm getting better...

I'm really missing the connection right now. I'm missing the closeness.

The divide... ugh. How can I avoid it? It's impossible, I guess. When I'm not doing the right thing, I feel a longing to do the right thing. When I'm doing the right thing, I feel a longing not to do the right thing...

A change of heart is what I need, I guess. My mission president taught that it was only the Holy Ghost who could provide that change. I prayed, but maybe I wasn't sincere... how can I sincerely desire a change of heart if my heart has to change to desire it? But the pendulum swings of my preferences make it hard to beat a path in either direction-- fighting, clearing, pushing ahead... turning around, moving the other way, fighting, clearing, pushing ahead...

I can't complain. Everything else in my life is surprisingly put together, successful. I'm really grateful. It's just this. And it's just tonight. I guess I'm just feeling a longing to feel some reconciliation of these two parts.

I feel so much like a broken record, a static character. I promise I'm not. I'd kind of like to tell you about other stuff in my life, but I don't want you to stumble across this and know who I am. There was the Matis fireside this week. I kind of wanted to go, but I'm afraid of connecting, again. And it's hard to connect because then you're angry for either pulling that person away from the church or pulling yourself away from the church, or both. You realize you aren't happy without them, but you're not happy with them because you care about them and know that you aren't making their life easier.

Then, again, loving someone isn't making life easier. It's easier to separate yourself from that emotion...

I'm confused.

But I need to stop focusing on that. I really have an excellent set-up (minus the gay thing) in life right now. I mean, I'm still not sure how exactly my future is going to turn out, but I like my classes, I'm getting really good grades, I have great roommates, a great ward, good friends, money (thank goodness!), a nice tan... Life is good, TC. Life is good.

Anyways, thanks, again, for listening to my craziness.

I feel like I should tell you a story just to make this worth your time.

When I was little, and I had to go to the bathroom, I used to hold it until the last possible second... I don't know why. One time, we were sitting at the dinner table, and I knew I had to go, but I kept waiting. I was 5. Suddenly, I had to go-- really, really bad. I jumped out of my chair, ran through the kitchen, bounced off the walls as I ran through there and the TV room, into the foyer, into the bathroom, and I passed out and fell right between the toilet and the sink. My head hurt, but you know what? Even though I passed out, I still didn't wet myself. And I never tried to hold it that long ever again. The end.

Dance Inside

I did it!

I chased the guy-- the one in my dream... He was trying to kill me, as per usual, but then, I became a police officer? I don't know. I didn't change clothes or anything, but I knew I had the authority, and he knew I had the authority, and he tried to run away. I didn't catch him, but I was close. I had to wake up, or maybe I would have.

My classes are going to keep me busy, and I feel a lot of pressure to make sure that I keep up (and even ahead) of them. But I don't feel afraid. I don't feel afraid of my future or of who I am or what I'll become. That doesn't mean that I know the answers, but that I trust in my abilities. Not in the proud way-- I just feel like if I have the will power to stay sane and on this path after all of the other crap that has happened, my classes should be cake.

I made chicken with herbs de province and lavender for dinner and warm, homemade chocolate pudding for dessert. It was comfort food, though I didn't really need the comfort... It's hard to describe the things that I feel when I eat foods that me and my family make. Food is our way of showing love haha... good thing I run because I would definitely be a fatty if I didn't.

I argued politics. I'm a democrat, and not because I'm gay. It felt good. I like having enough confidence in myself to disagree, to speak up. I hadn't done that in a while.

What am I trying to get at? The equilibrium is returning. My world is stabilizing. What changed? My feelings for the guy. I don't understand when they changed. Actually, I do... My school, some restored feeling of self-worth. It eliminated the need for constant reassurance. I miss the connection, I miss him, but something is different.

Ok, I guess it's probably time to do some homework.

Wait! I forgot to tell the other part of my story. I was walking to school today, and I saw a kid that I've known for a little while. I'm relatively positive that he's gay. I would like to ask him about it, but that might be kinda offensive, you know? But he's a solid, good kid, so I'm just curious. But besides that, I kind of like being an island-- being away from the drama that I hear about through the grapevine (two guys that I still talk to... neither of which are here). That wasn't really a good story. Sorry. Ok, now I'm going to go do some homework because it is late and I really want 8 hours of sleep.

As Lovers Go

I need to think of a new method for naming my posts. I think I may eventually run out of song titles that I like.

Ok, so I know that I just posted yesterday... but anyways...

I keep having these dreams where someone is trying to kill me. For real. A couple nights ago, I dreamt that I found a dead guy in a car in the woods and that this couple was chasing me. Somehow, I knew they wanted to rape and kill me... right... don't judge me...

Then, suddenly, I was out of the woods and at my dad's house. I ran through the neighborhood and onto a nearby street. I was running down the street and calling 911 on my cell phone (thank goodness, too). I told the operator that I was running down 60th street. The operator told me that a police officer usually patrols in that area and that he should be by in about 15 to 20 minutes. I tried to explain that this couple was trying to chase me, but she wasn't getting it. I ran for a long time, and I got to a mexican grocery store. I went in the back and hid until I thought it was safe. As I came out, there was a white, old man that looked really creepy. I tried to run from him, but he stabbed me in the back of the knee with a syringe. I felt myself getting dizzy, so I got to a checkout counter and climbed on top of it. The checkers stared at me, but I tried to fight the dizziness and tell them what was happening. Then, people started disappearing into thin air. I was alone. Then I woke up.

Then, last night (and this is why I'm writing-- I'm going to go insane if I keep having these dreams), I dreamt that I was in a big house with this guy. It wasn't the guy, just a guy. We were in the basement, and there was a chapel there. We were sitting in a pew and took a couple pillows that were sitting there. Suddenly, my older sister was there, and she looked like she wanted to hurt me. She kept getting closer, so I punched her in the face, but she had metal plates in her head, so nothing happened, I guess... it was an evil, robot-sister... So me and this guy started running, then we got separated. There was a staircase that went down on one side, curved around behind a wall, and went back up to about the same place. I hid there. There were wind chimes along the wall of one side, and I suddenly heard them chiming. I thought it was my sister, so I started running up the other side. Then, I saw my sister coming down that side and realized that it was the guy on the other side. I started running up after him.

We got to a room with these two little boys that were like 10 or something. I told them my sister was trying to kill us. One of the kids got this giant, wooden hand... like those foam hands at football games, but wooden... it was weird... anyways, he put it on and went and hit my sister in the head. It made her get disoriented, so me and this guy ran by. Then, we called the police. Then, I grabbed a butter knife and realized that my sister was chasing us with a butter knife, too. I tried to talk to her and ask her why she was doing this, but she didn't say anything. Then, we were outside of the house. It was night. The guy was gone. My mom was there in her old car, so was my uncle (who is dead) and my aunt. My sister was there, too, and everything seemed normal. For some reason, I still had the pillows that I took from the chapel, so we went back downstairs and returned them to a fat, old man who was sitting in the pew.

And those have just been from the past couple of nights. I've been having them every other night, starting the night that I visited the guy on my way out here. So, even though I don't really believe in dream interpretation, I decided to check out what the internet (a reliable source...) had to say:

Dreams of being chased are common dream themes. As with most of the common dreams, they often stem from feelings of anxiety in your waking life. Running is an instinctive response to physical threats in your environment. In these dreams, you can be pursued by an attacker, an animal, or an unknown figure who wants to hurt or possibly kill you. In turn, you run, hide, or try to outwit your pursuer. Your actions in the dream parallel how you respond to pressure and cope with fears, stress, or various situations in your waking life. Instead of confronting the situation, you are running away and avoiding it. Ask yourself who is the one chasing you so that you can gain understanding and insight on the source of your fears and anxieties.

The pursuer or attacker who is chasing you in your dream may also represent an aspect of yourself. Your own feelings of anger, jealousy, fear, and possibly love, can assume the appearance of a threatening figure. The shadowy figure can also symbolize rejected characteristics of yourself. You may be projecting these feelings onto the unknown chaser. Next time you have a chase dream, turn around and confront your pursuer. Ask them why they are chasing you. Perhaps you are running away from something. What are you trying to fun from?

Consider the distance or gap between you and your pursuer. This indicates your closeness to the issue. If the pursuer is gaining on you, then it suggests that the problem is not going to go away. The problem will surround you until you confront and address it. However, if you are able to widen the gap, then the problem is becoming less and less of an issue.

There you have it. I'm apparently trying to deal with my feelings of anxiety. The thing is, I don't really feel anxious? Or maybe I do, and I just don't recognize it. It's just weird that it started after I visited the guy... and I don't feel like anything particularly important came of it, so I don't understand why it started right after that. Anyway, I'm going to fight next time I have a dream like that... which, by my calculations, should be tomorrow night... haha. Even if they kill me, I'll fight just to see what happens.

Besides my unnerving dreams, life has been good. I kinda miss the guy this morning. I kinda miss the connection. Then, I get busy.

The Quiet Things That No One Ever Knew

Thank heavens I'm busy.

I like studying business. I like it because the only way to be successful (dang it, I hate absolutes because they can always be argued. You are not welcome to disprove this statement.) is to be confident, articulate, aggressive (in a BYU-honor-code-friendly way).

I'm not any of those things unless it becomes necessary. And it is, now. I kind of like it. For some reason, I don't feel so self-conscious about the fact that I'm gay... We go back and forth on this a lot, I know, but feelings are weird and confusing. Aaaanyways, the fact that I have these issues to deal with is suddenly unimportant because I'm busy and focused on something that really isn't affected by sexuality.

Whatever. Wording crap is hard sometimes.

Suffice it to say that I feel great having purpose, direction, a sense of urgency, and some competition. I'm trying to fight for my future, you know?

And the more I get into my studies, the less sure I am that I want to go to medical school afterwards. I tried telling my mom, once. "Really?" she said with a very sad tone, "But I thought you wanted to be a doctor?" Magically, I got the same response (with slight variations in wording) from my dad, step-mom, and two sisters. I think they want me to be a doctor?

Ok, I'm going to put that decision on hold for right now. But It's kind of sad that I actually really look forward to studying. It's nerdy, I know, but I read about investments for three hours the other night and wanted to keep going.

I appreciate the shift in focus... the necessary shift in focus. The guy continues to perplex me at times, but something about the whole situation seems better now.

I almost stepped on a rattlesnake last night when I was running. It was scary. Besides that, I felt great. I ran 10.5 miles and only saw two people. I love that trail. I love being up there where it is quiet. It gives me a chance to let my mind wander (until I almost step on snakes). Contemplating helps me keep things in perspective.

I'm going to go do some homework.