Konstantine

My life is apparently going to keep gyrating.

My head is spinning, and not in the good way.

The girl and I drove up to slc to hang out. We hashed out where we stand right now. I didn't tell her the little part where I'm not entirely sure about my sexuality. She leaves on Wednesday. It just kind of blindsided me. It was also the first time in a little while that I've had physical contact with a girl. I know she wants a long-distance relationship, but I don't really want that because I don't know if it would work out. I don't know if a short-distance relationship would work.

I can actually feel me getting mad at myself. This is retarded. I can't make up my mind about what I want, and all I end up doing is hurting other people. I can't date her without committing to it-- without feeling like that is what I want for real. I couldn't go into it not being 100 percent invested. But the question is whether or not it is something that happens over time. I guess it takes an initial desire, and I need to be invested in that regard. Everything else probably follows along with that. But I've started the ball rolling. Either I keep going with it or stop and explain to her what the situation is.

I kind of want to talk to her about it, but I'm not sure how that would go. I don't know what to expect or how she'd react or if it would be ok or awful or ruin a lot of really important relationships. She would be the first person I actually know that knows about what I'm dealing with. She deserves something, I guess. She deserves to know.

Yeah, she deserves to know.

Drunk Girl

I sometimes wonder what something corporate was thinking when they wrote their songs... but I still like 'em. 

Less than a week. It sucks. We hung out yesterday-- made out a lot. Surprisingly, we haven't done anything serious. In fact, in a lot of ways, we're doing better than before... not to say that the idea doesn't come up. I like him a lot.

I guess I'm not sure what I'm going to do when he leaves. The good news is that I'll be heading home less than two weeks after that. I guess whenever I start to feel the weight of the realization (that he's leaving), it makes me want to be home. Maybe it sounds hokey, but there is something about being home that makes things seem a lot less worse. While my world is falling apart, I can be with my family and feel like everything is going to be ok. 

The term is getting kind of busy, too, so I'm really trying to keep everything under control because I really need the grades. 

I hate that my life is changing. It comes with the territory, I guess. It's hard, though, to decide between being emotionally distant and going out on a limb to connect with someone. On one end, you have a road with smaller ups and downs... on the other end, you're driving through figurative mountains and valleys. Are the mountains worth it?

They must be, or I wouldn't be choosing them over and over. Intense happiness inseparably connected by intense sadness-- not the picture of stability, I guess, but one of those things that makes life really strange and amazing. I guess I still haven't felt regret for making the choices I have-- the big ones. It did hit me (though only a little) when we did stupid stuff, but I never regretted setting foot on this path. I can't help but feel that it did something to make me better, as weird as that sounds... which only adds to confusion or unwillingness to acknowledge the realization that this implies. 

Well, anyways, I guess there isn't much that I can do. No stopping next week from coming, so I guess I just push forward... how long? Hopefully an explanation presents itself at some point in the near future. Until then, I keep going no matter how much it sucks. 

For hating drama so much, there seems to be a lot of it (however internally) in my life. Ah, the life of a gay mormon. Who knew?

How to Save a Life

Sunday. The day, more than any other day of the week, where I realize that I'm trying to reconcile what seems to be an irreconcilable dichotomy in my life.

I went to church, of course. I was actually thinking about skipping, but I couldn't shake the feeling that I really needed to go. There wasn't anything specific that jumped out at me or slapped me or induced some kind of epiphany, but I realized how good the church is and how much I want it to be a part of my life. And I can almost feel the threads that hold together my natural and spiritual man (so to speak) literally splitting. 

I was driving back home, and I was just kind of talking to God... sounds crazy, but deal with it. I realized that maybe this whole being suddenly ignored by those couple of guys I was e-mailing is a blessing in disguise. I mean, yeah, it still sucks, but I'm sure I'll see some good come out of it. If things had worked out (whatever that means), it would be almost a guarantee that I'd end up leaving the church... though the spiritual leaving would take place before the physical leaving. And as I was sitting at dinner tonight with some friends, I was thinking how the Gospel really is that lasting, permanent, stable, consistent (and many other synonyms) foundation. It can undoubtedly give me what I crave in my life. Like I've said before, my sexuality is so amebic that I can't use it to define myself... this is the second time I've used the word "amebic." It's the adjective form of "amoeba," in case you were wondering. I think my sexuality is a product of what I lacked and, consequentially, what I crave in life. I've been realizing that it is more flexible than I thought. The problem, then, is putting the work into it to find a girl, marry her, start a family. It's the harder road for me since it is based solely on my personal desire-- no expectations, no attachment to the Gospel for duty's sake, which is kind of a hard thing to admit. It's just me. I don't feel like I was made gay or straight or any particular way regarding my sexual preference... and I don't feel obligated to live one way or the other. I just want to live in the way that's going to provide me with stability and happiness.

So that's that.

Trust

I am kind of confused. 

So I've been talking to a couple other guys on the internet that are kind of in the same situation, too. They're here at BYU. Anyway, we exchanged pictures, and then I suddenly stopped hearing from them. 

Now, bear with me for a moment here. Comparatively speaking, they aren't amazingly hot or anything-- wouldn't think of them as out of my league... I don't have severe scarring, I'm in decent shape, I don't have a problem getting girls--

Is there something I'm missing?! Anyway, I can't figure out, for the life of me, what the heck it is that makes them suddenly stop talking to me. Honestly, I'm pretty dang pissed because even if I were ugly, you shouldn't treat anyone like that.

Hopefully that doesn't sound arrogant. It just bothers me a lot. I'm pretty tired of it since this is the third time it's happened and all with guys that definitely wouldn't be considered out of my league.

Which brings me to another point-- I never even hinted at the possibility of there being something more than a friendship with these guys. As odd and confusing and amebic as it may be, I'm kind of in a relationship... just looking for other guys to relate to, you know? 

Well, anyway, it brings me to an original and increasingly trite observation: I crave stability. I'd really like to have someone stick with me, you know? I mean, this guy is leaving, and it really is in his best interest, so I can't be mad about that. The girl is taking off, too-- also in her best interest. And then I'm back to where I started. It'd be nice to find someone that wouldn't leave. 

Unlikely, especially when I'm in college, unless I want to get married (which isn't really a possibility right now) or find a guy here that I could have a lasting relationship with (which, it appears, is also not a possibility).

So the question of the day: Where does that leave me? 

I guess it is an easy choice since no clear choice exists... I guess I do nothing. But I'm kind of tired of that. Maybe this is God's way of putting me on the path that I'm supposed to be on, but it feels kind of like that would be taking away a lot of agency... or maybe I'm full of crap. 

I'd just like to figure out what I can do to be happy. I'm trying, and that's the part that's making me frustrated. This is no longer an issue of my teetering on the edge of a monumental decision, afraid to act or commit-- this is me making choices, mistakes that are helping me to arrive at a conclusion.

So I guess that's my life. I'm getting kind of frustrated with it. I know it'll be better when I wake up in the morning.

Mission Flashback

Three weeks. He's leaving in three weeks. I can't decide what drives me crazier: the fact that he's leaving, or the fact that it's killing me that he's leaving. How am I supposed to deal with this? Part of me realizes that this isn't something that can be permanent, lasting. And that stability is what I crave most in my life. And an irrational part of me thinks that it could be stable and lasting if that's what he wanted. But I can't ask that of him or anyone else in our situation. So I'm stuck wondering if I should just try to ignore the fact that I've been happier now than I've been in a long time. 

I can't ignore it. I can't pretend like it hasn't changed me. At this point, I wonder why I ever let someone get that close to me. Whether it is my enabling them or their inherent ability, they manage to reach into my soul and rearrange, take away, add, disorganize or whatever it is they do. I remember, now, why I don't let it happen- why I didn't let it happen. But here I am, again, trying to sort out the pieces. Legitimately in love-- I guess that's what I am. As freaking gay as that sounds, that's what I am. I can't be, though. I shouldn't be. 

I knocked on this random lady's door in my mission. I don't remember anything that she told me except one thing, and I remember that one thing verbatim: "Life is strange, but it is so beautiful." It's true. The moment she said it, everything I had ever been taught to listen to pointed to its truth. I'm stuck in this situation, unable to deny the fact that I have actually felt these feelings, and that these feelings have come from a relationship with another guy. The question can no longer be whether or not they exist but what I should do with them. What should I do with them? But it isn't like it matters for the immediate future. He's leaving. It hurts.

How is it that pain can shape us so efficiently, cruelly? On one hand, it requires me to see the world in different terms, to recognize the beauty in it in spite of (and even because of) less-than-perfect circumstances. On the other hand, it makes me even more guarded. I find myself afraid of what will happen if I get close to someone else. I know that he doesn't feel the same way. He did, I think. But he doesn't. 

"I think it's brave to try to be happy." It's a quote from my favorite show. It's true. I'm not that brave. Maybe it's something I should work on. 

The life of a gay mormon: it is strange, but I can't help but feel that it really is beautiful.

Mistakes We Knew We Were Making

My life has been relatively pleasant and low-key lately. Yes, I've been more of an asshole when I need to, and I think that has helped a lot. 

Meanwhile, my classes are really good, and I have a lot of free time. I have been trying to find places to volunteer, but it doesn't seem like I'm looking in the right places. Anyway, I've just taken that opportunity to keep up with my homework and make sure that I understand it. I've only missed one point between my two classes so far. That's definitely going to change, but I feel good getting the semester off to a good start. It seems to take a lot of pressure off for the end of the semester since I'm not scrambling to catch up. 

And I ran my first trail race today. Holy crap, that was a workout. It is one thing to run on a paved road, but when you're running in the mountains, it gets pretty intense. I wanted to puke for most of the race 'cuz dinner didn't sit too well for me from the night before, and I also did 9 miles yesterday and got a bad night's sleep... so none of that stuff helped me. But what can you do? I'm just happy I did it. And now, I think I can handle future races a little better. 

I also hung out with the guy a little today. It was actually really nice. In fact, the whole day was really nice. After hanging out with him, I came home, finished my homework for one of my classes, went grocery shopping, ate a TON, watched the playoffs. It isn't even 10:00, and I'm feeling ready for bed. Haha, no matter what went on today, starting the day off with an 11 1/2 mile race makes everything else seem way more productive. 

I'm actually pretty grateful for this spring semester. It has made my life way more simple. It seemed like I had to maintain such a delicate balance last semester that every time one thing went wrong, a bunch of other stuff went wrong with it. Now, I have two classes, three weekdays with no class, the weekend, no job... I've been able to slow down and stop spending so much energy worrying about a million things. 

Not to complain, but I have a really horrible roommate this semester. But he has his own room, and I have mine, so I can shut him out when I need. Besides that, life is good. It's really good.

The Mixed Tape

I'm tired. Not in the bad way-- just physically.

I need to do some homework, too, before I go to bed, so I have no idea why I am on here... guess I had the need to write and get some of my thoughts out of my head and put them on paper... uh, computer... 

So I was running with this girl today, and she was giving me crap while I was running. It was almost to the point of yelling, and I didn't exactly know where it was coming from. I just kind of brushed it off and tried to be patient and nice.

Why do I do that? I thought I was done with the emotional masochism, so why do I allow myself to be in a situation like that-- one that makes me feel bad about myself? I guess it goes back to when I was growing up. It worked out a lot better for me to avoid confrontation. Then, one day, I kind of snapped and became ultra-confrontational and a pretty big dick. The Gospel tempered that, and I moved more toward the "turn the other cheek" kind of philosophy. I can't keep it up, though. It really wears on me. I can apologize to that guy like it is my fault that we got ourselves into that trouble, but the truth is that it is only partially my fault. It wasn't me that was wrestling clothes off of him-- it wasn't him trying to hold things back. 

And I can try to play it off like the girl was justified in being frustrated with me, but it was completely misdirected and uncalled for. 

I've tried to talk to him a little bit since our last mess-up on Friday, but he hasn't really said much back. I haven't really put forth a huge effort, though, to make it work. I was never the kind of person that spent every waking moment pining for someone-- completely incapacitated and helpless. In fact, there was a point in my life when I was independent to the point that I avoided any kind of connection with a person. It was the opposite end of the spectrum, but the unhappiness that I felt at that point was to a smaller extent than what I felt at the other end. Needless to say, I tried to work things out or whatever with the guy, but I can't come crawling back. And I can't (and didn't, in fact) play it off like the way that girl treated me was no big deal. I can't continue to live my life like this... 

Haha-- seems like I find myself saying that a lot. I can't be the submissive, kind, mild-tempered LDS kid anymore because all it does is make me everyone's punching bag. And the second they see that they can treat me like that, it continues, and I find myself progressively more unhappy. I have obviously not found the balance in my life, so it is time to start shifting back to the asshole end. 

I also don't know what is making me feel more aggressive? I do enough running to produce endorphins for me and three other people... so I should be happier, right? I don't feel so stressed, and that is an amazing feeling. 

Well, anyway, I guess all of this means I need to be a little more of an asshole to people when they deserve it and a little less willing to accept misplaced fault and frustration. Guess I'll keep you posted on how it goes...

Last Train Home

Ok, I think I'm done making stupid decisions.

We messed around... again... didn't help that I had no roommate around for the day. 

I was sitting at church today and reflecting on what I wanted in my life. Yeah, I know I've been doing that most of my blog, but I've been so distracted here of late that it hasn't been something I have been considering. 

The stupid thing is that the things that I want in my life aren't reflected in the decisions I make... or maybe I don't understand what I want. Well, I kind of do understand. I have noticed that I really don't have any confidence in myself-- I don't really see what it is about me that gives me worth, you know? And it sounds lame, but I'm being serious. I guess it goes in cycles, though. At times, I feel great about myself; and then, suddenly, I feel like crap. Is that weird? 

So yeah, maybe these decisions have been my attempt at establishing some kind of self-worth or feeling acceptance or satisfying some kind of craving for masculine relationships in my life. Anyway, I guess I can see how those desires influence my decisions. It isn't wrong, either... or I should say that I don't feel bad about it. Whether or not I should is a question that I'm not concerned about-- I do realize, though, that I have those desires that transcend sexuality, and they need to be addressed and fulfilled either platonically or sexually. Until they are fulfilled, I won't be happy. Judging by my choices, those desires take precedence over my desires for a Gospel-centered life? Or maybe I'm not able to prioritize... which I guess would explain the gyrations that I'm experiencing. Those interests are constantly colliding in my life which causes the turmoil that I'm feeling. To bring peace to my life, I either have to let go of one set of wants or live my life in a way that I can embrace them both.

So I was making out with this guy the other day, and I suddenly realized that I didn't really want to be there... in that situation. I guess that's what's been making me think. I'm not necessarily gay even though I do gay things-- those are just the physical manifestations/attempts to satisfy some deeper need. I didn't have that attraction to guys physically for an amazing year because the needs that I had were being fulfilled. 

What does it mean? How can I digest it? 

I can't live a gay life. It wouldn't rack me with guilt or torment or a feeling that my life and my future were damned or dampened or somehow diminished... and I felt bad admitting that to myself, but it is the truth. However, it won't make me happy. It won't leave me fulfilled. The underlying desire will be fulfilled in whatever way, and then I'll find myself in a relationship in which I don't have an attraction to the guy or a reason to want to be romantically connected with him. So I can continue to fulfill that need sexually for now, but it won't be lasting. My quest, then, should be a platonic fulfillment-- in a way that would allow me to embrace everything that is important to me. I mean, it's my life, so why should I do anything but the things that are going to make me happy?