Better Days

My pandora station is not making me feel better.

I think this is gonna be one of those "type the crazy out and never post" kinda posts. We have a natural inclination to be consistent, I learned in one of my classes... not really big news, but it was verifying. That probably explains the reason why I feel like shit every time I "take a step backwards." How can I have so much resolution in one moment and then seemingly lose it all in the next?

I gotta cut myself some slack, I know. I'm just having trouble. The perfectionist in me is sometimes less rehabilitated than I'd like to think.

It's just that I have my secret weapon of staying super busy... not so secret... and then the moment I have free time, down time, it all catches up to me. "It'll work out," I keep telling myself. The farther I get, the less I've done, the more I have to do, the more I feel like I'm failing at so many things.

But my afan (I'm sorry. It's Spanish. Look it up. I promise I'm not being a tool. It's the best word I can come up with, and I don't want to pull out my dictionary) to accomplish all of this stuff is negated by the fact that I can't profess confidence and a belief in my capabilities if I spend those same moments ensuring that I'm hiding the defective parts of me. Yeah, I mean it when I say that I've stopped caring about being gay. But I haven't stopped caring about where I want to get, and it'd be tricky (read: impossible) to navigate that if I'm open about being gay. Getting out of school will help; until then, I've got to find a way to make this work.

And then the guy is throwing himself at me. Where were you six months ago? I can't bring myself to feel it anymore. And this other kid is (unintentionally or otherwise) tugging at my heartstrings in the worst way possible.

And I find myself listing the reasons why this can't work out. The echo of my credo slowly dies, but I cling, wondering if I am strong or foolish.

Not to feel, to temporarily forfeit the human parts of me... sounds nice... nice, but impossible.

Clinging. Here's to hope.

I'll publish it.

Half of My Heart

The honest truth is that I'm never going to be "bulky" muscular.

Having said that, I just spent most of the day digging and hauling 80-lbs blocks in awkward positions. It's not going to make me bulky, but it definitely gets me in shape. And I got a little tanner. The day was a complete success...

It was supposedly 105-degree heat index out there. All I can say is that after my mission, I have never, ever felt hot. Biking in an oven--that's what it was. Steaming, biking, baking... doing yard work in a shirt and tie. It was like being in hell, I think. Granted, I also had the most delicious food of my life being constantly shoved down my throat at the turn of every corner. I tend to be perpetually hungry, but for those two years, I was full... and didn't gain a pound... never going to be bulky...

I was thinking, though, as I was working. I was remembering this time where my companion and I were helping some guys take down a shed/garage thing. It was so hot and humid; giant cockroaches were crawling out from under the piles of rubble. "You may be white," one of them told me, "but you work hard like a Mexican. I didn't believe you were actually going to be able to do anything to help."

If he weren't Mexican, I might not have felt complimented.

But that's not the point I'm trying to make. I give myself a lot of crap for the person that I'm not. I find myself wondering why I'm not the aggressive, confrontational, confident kid I used to be. I give myself crap for feeling shy sometimes...

But that confident kid was also lazy, proud, an elitist, an asshole. That kid wouldn't have actually been able to do anything to help. That kid would have never offered to begin with.

I can, in no way, consider myself fully formed or transformed or oriented or rehabilitated or whatever the hell it is called. But I have changed, and it has been for the better. I guess I should focus on that a little more.

Me and the Moon

You know what? I don't actually have any plans for tonight. I think it's kinda sweet. As I sit here, I'm thinking about things that I should probably take care of in my free time, but it is so hard to get motivated to do any of it. Maybe the motivation will come to me... later...

I came home yesterday to find my dad doing some landscaping stuff outside. "Landscaping stuff" may not paint an accurate picture, since it can get kinda intense here--building retaining walls, grinding stumps, etc. My dad never pays anyone for that kind of stuff. He's always had the money for it, and it used to drive me crazy that we didn't just pay someone instead of having to do it ourselves. In hindsight, I'm glad he took the time to teach us self-reliance, independence... all that good stuff.

But I digress. I felt super crappy when I got home--didn't feel like doing anything at all, you know? I'm glad he was outside working because going out and helping him made me feel better.

As for everything else, my thoughts are too jumbled to come out as anything coherent. We could go "stream of consciousness" style, but I would probably have a seizure trying to reread it. My life is going to be ok--I just need to remind myself of that sometimes.

If We Ever Meet Again

I'm hoping that we can just go back to the way things were in Thursday's post...

Bear with me, here.

I'm just having a brief freak-out in which I'm wondering if I made the right choice to commit to being here and working for an extended period of time. I'm worried that it isn't going to be fulfilling, I'm worried that I'm going to want to kill my parents, I'm worried that there is some part of life that is somehow passing me up by my being so far removed from what I consider to be "the world."

It's not a big deal. It shouldn't be, at least. So why do I find myself feeling like I might have made the wrong choice?

I guess there was something in today that unearthed feelings I thought I had laid to rest with an attempt to fully embrace reality. There are so many reasons why this decision was the right one, but I'm missing Provo. I miss being in a place where I new I wasn't the sole member of a moho community... even though I didn't participate in it, it was still nice to know that there were other guys walking around campus who were dealing with these same things. It's pretty safe to say that there's none of that here.

Maybe I should just work on myself for right now. Maybe it's a good thing that I am removed from the BYU community...

Or maybe I'm going to reach a point where I reach every goal I set only to realize I was aiming in the wrong direction. And we're back to it: leaping into the darkness--leaping and hoping we land on solid ground. I guess that maybe there's something to be said for embracing the unknown. In the end, I guess I we are better people for leaping into the darkness and falling than cowering in the dimly lit circle of what is familiar and (if we are lucky) comfortable.

Although it seems like I've been managing to land on uneven ground in areas that I crave stability and surety, the cuts and bruises and scars inevitably make me feel alive.

So I'll tell you what- I'm gonna grow an effin pair and push on.

I'm also going to brush my teeth, wash my face, and go to bed. Things always look better in the daylight.

Where We Gonna Go From Here

I heard from the guy, again. I'm not so mad anymore at him. Granted, there are definitely no feelings for him, but at least I don't feel mad when he texts or calls or e-mails. Maybe I can change, after all. It's strange how I was completely convinced that I would never be over him. I guess I still love the guy, but in a platonic way, you know? Does that even make sense? It sounds kinda like the cliché "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" thing, but I mean it.

Anyway, I don't think that was the reason I got on here. In fact, I'm not entirely sure what the reason was. I guess I just wanted to get my thoughts out of my head. I helped my parents plant a bunch of crap tonight. Coming home from work and doing yardwork may sound kinda crappy, but I actually enjoy the change from sitting at my desk. And I don't want to become a lazy sack.

The yard has been under construction for the past year, and it's about time to finish all of these projects. I took off before I had the chance to see some of the projects to completion, and my dad started other ones, so I'm going to help pick them off, one by one, while I'm here.

And I found out I'll probably be making less money than I thought at work, but I can deal with it. It'll still be enough to pay my student loans twice over, so if I go gettin killed in any car accidents in the near future, at least my family won't be stuck paying off my loans.

My life has felt a lot more manageable lately. I got that test and everything out of the way, and now I just have to worry about waking up on time, you know? No looming deadlines that are going to permanently alter my future, nothing unpredictable in my schedule... It's really nice. Granted, I don't have much of a social life, but at least I have to talk to my family and people at work, so I'm not turning into an awkward recluse... I think...

But I'm rambling about nothing. I'm doing good. Really. I still sometimes wish I could snag a significant other, but I know that it isn't the right time; and, even if I did, I wouldn't be able to devote the time and attention that they'd deserve... unless they want to throw around 80-lbs blocks and dig holes and stuff. I can be confident that everything will turn out fine because everything has turned out fine up to this point.

The Man Who Can't Be Moved

I need to figure out where this blogging thing fits into my schedule.

You know what I've got a weakness for? Guys in beat-up trucks... or beat-up SUVs... wearing baseball caps. And no shirt. "What the hell?" you're probably wondering... I don't know...

Things have been super busy. I'm looking at picking up another job and actually applied to it and everything. That would bring me up to a 70-80 hour workweek. I just want to feel like I'm doing something productive. And I just want to get as much work experience as possible to put on my resume. I feel like that is my weakest point at this moment in time, but I'm doing everything I can to fix that.

And there isn't much else for me to do here. So why not? Not to mention the fact that I'd like to earn as much money as possible. School will be cheaper since I don't have to worry about tuition, so it's not like I'm facing destitution or anything... but I guess I'm kinda weird with money: I like having it way more than I like spending it.

I also think I'm starting to snap out of the "not wanting to be single right now" thing, too. I can't actively seek it right now, you know? Anyway, working a lot makes it too hard for me to worry about that stuff; therefore, I don't. I also feel kind of empowered when I throw myself into something in spite of the fact that I'd like to mope around.

I'm feeling comfortable, again, with the fact that everything in my life has been turning out really well. And it's probably a good thing I'm single because anyone I'd be dating would feel neglected. It'll work out when it's supposed to, I know. So I'll move ahead and be grateful for how well life has turned out.

Crazy 8s

Guess the blogging hiatus was unplanned. What is there to tell you?

My summer break has officially begun... just in time to start working... but what can you do? First of all, I'm so poor that I really have to work. And it's about time. I don't even really remember what it's like to have a job, and every time I look at my resume, I'm reminded of how pathetic that is. But no more.

What else?

I'm feeling the pull of the church. I thought I had severed the emotional ties, but they're creeping back. I've been going this whole time, but I felt kinda unplugged, you know? Anyway, one of my friends has been taking the discussions and everything. I went with the missionaries to a lesson and started feeling the stuff I used to feel.

I was thinking about it yesterday in the car. What would I say? What would I tell my friend after I help her into the Gospel and then proceed to leave it?

I'm not willing to live a life of neglect and loneliness on the belief that it will prepare me to live the opposite life in the eternities. It's hard for me to believe that I can find true happiness there if I can't find it here. So I'll do the best I can with what I have, and I won't have any regrets about it.

It's hard to type when I'm groggy.