How did I do it? How did I make it two years of my life without any problems--with really minimal temptation, without doing anything stupid? I wasn't continuously happy, either... I felt way super stressed at times, discouraged at others, overwhelmed at others... I felt everything that I now use as an excuse for being weak, but I wasn't weak back then.
Honestly, I think it was the fact that I felt like my actions had a very real impact on the difference I could make in peoples' lives, and I was terrified of compromising that, of lacking the ability to help them accept the Gospel. In short, I believed my actions had a very real and immediate effect on the people I was trying to help.
And now, I only seeing these actions affecting myself...
But the flashback:
It was in one of my favorite areas in my mission. The area was super hard, so it's hard for me to understand why I liked it so much, but I honestly loved it.
I remember it being scorching hot and humid. I remember walking and knocking and contacting and just having nothing to really show for it. I remember salt stains on my ties from sweating so much. It would always cool down a little (very little) at night, and once or twice a week, we would go visit these recent converts who lived out in the middle of nowhere. The wife made this amazing salsa that was almost pure habanero. I remember sweat pouring off of my face even worse than working in the heat of the day. I also remember the feeling of the breeze coming through their window. I remember how simple but amazing the food was that they made--they'd always feed us dinner when we came over. And I remember going back home and feeling like I had an excellent day.
No matter what, I remember going home and feeling like I had an excellent day, like I was doing what I was supposed to...
I was smiling when I snapped out of it. It was so hard, so hot, so long... but all of the bad stuff dulled with time.
And now? I've got all of my time to do exactly what I want, I have heating and air conditioning, a car, friends, free time (albeit a small amount)... and I can't shake the feeling that life is tough.
It's not. I know I've got it a lot better off than so many others.
I use the "difficult" times to justify myself when, in fact, I lack strength, the trust, the faith to commit, to let the bad dull with time, to look back at this time in my life and smile for the person I was.
It's not the "gay" stuff, either. Honestly, I'm tired of caring about that. It's more basic than that.
I want to come home and feel like I had an excellent day--I want that feeling, again.
Thank goodness we can change.
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