I've resisted doing anything retarded. School has been way to busy, anyways. I'm not even kidding. I know it'll get more manageable as I get into the routine of it, but it has been crazy. As a result, things with the random guy are kinda fizzling out. I feel ok about it. I mean, there isn't much (nothing, in fact) to fizzle, but it is.
So then what happens? I go back to square one... maybe I can just stay there for a little longer. I mean, there aren't any more people I'd wonder about in my life, so then I should be safe, isolated in that regard.
Meanwhile, I'm shifting my career path. Still have the same goal, just a different route. What does that mean? I need different internship prospects at a time when I should be finalizing them. I can do this. Life will be ok--I'm sure of it. I just don't like the uncertainty of how it will get there.
I still have money, and that's comforting. I thought for a little bit that I wouldn't even have enough to make it through the semester.
I'm rambling. I guess I'm here because I just need to give some attention to this part of me. It's not going to go away--I'm sure of it. It's ok, though. I can't remember exactly what daydream guy looked like, but I'll just keep an eye out in case he happens across my path.
That reminds me of the other thing I was wanting to write about. I was thinking about the guy last night... I'm not exactly sure why. I was just remembering random times with him... I remember running random errands at night with him so we could see each other, him leaning his seat back so I could give him a quick kiss without being caught before I hopped out of the car. I remember his giving me crap, too--I liked it. I remember the first time he told me he loved me. I remember the last time I saw him.
Wow, I sound GAY
But I miss him. I should let it go, though. If I care about him, I should do everything I can to make it easier. So I just write on here.
As weird and complicated and confusing as I may make things, I'm just bad at dealing with the emotions. For the first time in my life, it felt ok to feel them, I just wasn't sure where to go from there. I wasn't sure how to work past that point. But you--I really hope you're ok. I hope you're happy, but whenever I try to picture you, you're just going through the motions. I should give you more credit, though. Maybe it's just because that's exactly what I'm dealing with.
Anyway, no matter how hard I try, I can't forget you. And something tells me I won't forget you--ever. I guess that's how I know I love you, too.
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