Watcha Say?

I guess it was inevitable that I blog to this song... I hear it enough...

You may be saying to yourself, "Self, this is a random time for someone to blog and post..." to which I say, "agreed."

But I've been laying here for the past two hours and have not been able to sleep, and it seems like the best way to make my head shut up is to get the thoughts out onto paper... uh, computer... so here I am.

It's been a while, I think. Life has been crazy busy, uncertain, fulfilling, frustrating. I feel like maybe blogging doesn't have the same place in my life that it has held in the past. More than likely, the feeling is temporary. I like that I can get out the things that I want to get out on here. I like that I have an outlet for the gay crap that I try to deal with. But, por lo pronto, I'm not really needing the outlet as much.

Having said that...

I met up with the guy a couple of days ago. It was funny because I got around him and realized that I don't feel an attraction to him. I know! This is coming from the kid that has believed he was destined to be eternally head over heels for this guy. I really thought I was. Part of it was how everything broke off. But I think I made it so far and well without the connection that I don't really need it. And the kid is so dang hard to read. So that was a surprise. It would take a lot for me to rekindle those feelings, I think... a lot of changes that I don't believe are going to happen.

And I'm kind of relieved.

And then the other weird part. I'm so sorry for starting all of my sentences with coordinating conjunctions. It bothers me, but it's too late for me to make a conscious effort to avoid it.

So yeah, weird part... and maybe this seems cliche or whatever

But I was reading my scriptures last night, and I came across the "free to choose liberty and eternal life/captivity and death" scripture in 2 Ne 2. I realized that I don't want to succumb to the inevitable in my life. If I decide I'm going to be gay, I'm not "giving up," I'm making a conscious decision to live that life and accept the consequences (be they good or bad) as my own. Also, gay or straight, I have a million other attributes that I can work on in my life. I don't know how to explain it. I just feel like I was giving in because I was too tired to fight. I just kinda let life happen to me and stopped feeling like I had control. It isn't the case. I'm not saying I'm magically turning straight because I'm pretty damn sure I'm gayer than Christmas, but living a gay life is not a form of surrender. My life is my own, and I am free to choose, to live, and to accept the consequences of my actions.

Wow, I don't make any sense.