I realized that it's been almost two weeks since I've posted on here. It's hard to explain my life as of right now. I've also been thinking that I feel like I say the same things in a different order, you know? I don't want to be a static character. I am not, in fact. This one part of my life hasn't changed that much, but there is a lot of other stuff going on. I just can't really go into detail about a lot of it because you could pretty much find me in a couple minutes if I did.
I'm lying in bed, though, and I can't go to sleep. Maybe it has something to do with the two hour nap I took today. I was on the floor in the sun. It was amazing. I felt warm, happy. I woke up an hour later, moved to the couch, and slept for another hour. Seeing as how I got four hours of sleep Thursday night and five last night, it was kind of nice to take a little nap. I haven't, therefore, been running... I don't really have anyone to impress, though, so what for? Except for the fact that I really love the quiet and time to think. I'll be able to hit the trails pretty soon. I tried running up the canyon last week... I was exactly 4.5 miles from the car when it started blizzarding on me. I got back to the car and found that snow had literally drifted, half-melted and frozen on my head. That probably explains the weird looks I was getting.
I also went out with some friends from freshmen year. One of the girls in the group had this intense infatuation with me... it was kind of weird. Anyway, turns out it really hasn't changed, so I'm trying to do everything I can to establish "friend" status.
What else? I got my car battery replaced for free, thank goodness. I feel like I get so lucky with so much crap. Maybe 'lucky' isn't the right word. I also made and consumed a quart of creme fraiche. Yeah... granted, I didn't eat it all at once, but still... the nice thing is that it doesn't separate when you cook it like sour cream does. It kind of has a similar flavor as sour cream, but a little softer. It makes good potatoes au gratin, great scrambled eggs, sweetens for a dessert sauce, soup base... remember when I used to have a six-pack? They're barely hanging in there. I should probably stop eating for a little while.
The recipe, in case you're wondering, is a cup of cream (not ultra-pasteurized, though) and a tablespoon of buttermilk. Let it set on the counter for about 24 hours and then refrigerate.
I have a special love for eating.
My chasing dreams have stopped, too. I feel kind of relieved. I think that I know why I was having them--have I already talked about this? I think it had to do with the stress of being gay and trying to pretend like everything was fine when it wasn't. I've had a break from that feeling for a bit. I doubt it'll be permanent, so I don't want to act like it will be, but whatever the timeframe, I'm grateful for the respite.
How did I get here? How did I end up sitting in my bed in a bedroom in an apartment south of BYU at 1:15 in the morning?
It was barely spring--one of those days where the cold breaks and the sun comes out, where you climb into your car and find that the sun has warmed it almost to the point of rolling down the windows. I was sitting in the passenger's seat, and my little sister was in the back seat. It was my dad's car, and we were just getting out of his church and waiting for him. "I think I want to join the church--Mom's church," I said.
The papers, the court order, the counseling, the manipulation, the permission, the discussions, the reading, the spirit, the commitment, the blessings, the day I realized I wouldn't be auditioning for Juilliard because I wanted to serve a mission, the ACT, the application, a stress-free senior year, an amazing freshmen year in every way except academically speaking, the call--I remember staring at it as it sat, unopened, on my desk. I remember the anxiety, the tears as I hugged my sisters and mom good-bye, the relief when I met my MTC companion, the stress of never being alone, the excitement of learning a new language, of teaching the Gospel, the heat and humidity of the mission, the sun, the tan, the food, the companions, the leadership, the flight home.
I remember getting home and realizing that I was still very gay. I remember feeling so discouraged. I remember sophomore year and my desire to find someone, to relate. My first boyfriend, our break-up, my career-path change. Somehow, it all lead to this. Somehow, I ended up sitting here, writing this post. This is exactly where I should be...
And as crazy, confusing, frustrating, stressful, uncertain as my life seems to be, every once in a while, the fog lifts, and the sunlight cuts through the clouds, illuminating, warming. I don't know what to make of it. God has every reason in the world to punish me, to revoke blessings, to stop His ears, close His eyes. He doesn't.
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