Polaris

I love how I feel really tired, lie down, and suddenly can't turn my brain off. In fact, it keeps moving faster. So I have to jump on here and vomit up the thoughts I apparently can't stop thinking so that I can go to bed.

I'm moving my life in a direction I want, finally. I mean, I'm still gay, I'm still going to be gay, and chances of having a straight relationship are pretty much dead, but I'm bringing my life under control... I know I've already said it, but gay or straight, I have an idea of the person I want to become, and I'm just happy that I'm starting to move myself in a direction that'll help me become that person.

I don't know. I guess I feel a little more in control of my future--I mean the external stuff. I can and will make what I want with my life, but the external stuff is more uncertain, scarier. At the same time, I guess I've successfully faced uncertainty thus far, so I shouldn't worry.

Check that off my list of thoughts.

Next is rooming. I love my roommates like family, but two of them do not clean up after themselves. I feel like me and the other guy are constantly cleaning up their messes. I'd just like to live with people that picked up after themselves. Granted, you can't be spotless all the time, but there's just no excuse past a certain point.

Next, I need to stop being so nice to girls I'm not interested in.

Next, I'm still hoping that I get an internship. If I don't, I've got a backup plan, but I don't want to use it. My life will be constantly stressful until I find out about this and can move on with my life. If I can get an internship, I can get a job. If I can get a job, I can get a one-story house and decorate it with Pottery Barn and Restoration.

The fact that I feel so stressed made me think back to my mission when I was also feeling super stressed. I was just called to be a zone leader. We received an e-mail with how our zone ranked among other zones in regards to all of the key indicators. The week after I stepped into that position, our rankings DIED. Like seriously. Like we went from first place to last. I would lie awake at night and wonder what was going on, wonder if God was punishing me for being gay, even though I wasn't doing anything wrong at all. I spent almost a year as a zone leader and dreaded the majority of my time spent doing it. I pretty much begged the mission president to let me be a normal missionary for the last little bit of my mission. I'm amazed my body put up with it.

This past school year has felt the same. I have been in a continual state of stress and can't see an end in sight. I just need resolution, time to regroup, some certainty.

I guess I'll get what I need, in the end. I'm just hoping that what I want actually turns out to be what I need.

This post kinda went nowhere, but thanks. I feel like I can go to bed and actually fall asleep.