Breaking

I've got it-

I was sitting here, thinking... well, reading/thinking/procrastinating. And something, somewhere, catalyzed the thought process, the verbalization, the insight.

I think I may have more accurately pegged exactly what my frustration is with the Church. And I can't necessarily say it's the fault of the church, but it exists because of the church.

So I really would like to be more open with what I do for school, but I don't think I'm ready to have myself pegged in about the five seconds it would take you to find me. Suffice it to say that it's really competitive, and the fact that I'm a perfectionist makes matters worse because, quite frankly, we're supposed to have low curves.

But I'm digressing.

See, I'm living in this place and time where I'm super stressed because I have to perform well in order to have the kind of future where I'd be happy to get out of bed in the morning and go to work, a future where I could afford to adopt or have surrogate children, provide for my "alternative" family.

Digressing, again.

The thing is, whenever I'm super stressed out and feeling like I'm on the verge of some kind of breakdown, I try to fall back on the foundation of the church, to hold strong to its roots while the winds and rains assault, weaken, discourage.

I reach for the roots, clutch them and, simultaneously, feel the sinking in my heart that comes from knowing that I'm not "ok." And I see everyone around me embracing the church and following the carefully marked path and testifying of the strength it gives them through the hard times.

Maybe it does give me strength, but it's at the expense of feeling like a second-rate member, of knowing that there is something wrong with me, and not "wrong" in the traditional "go-break-the-addiction" sense. 

I like guys. And it sucks--way bad. I would love to be able to wake up in the morning and go throughout my day knowing that this is the place to start a family, to find a wife. Instead, I wander around wondering if I'm ever going to find someone like me and dating girls only to avoid making people think I'm gay.

I feel the pressure of life, and when the church is supposed to be there to strengthen and console, it reminds me that I don't fit the mold, that the well-paved path is not mine to travel. It turns its back on me until I can become something different, until I can assume a set of problems that can be fixed with a 10-step process. 

I'm making sweeping assumptions and generalizations, I know. And feel free to disagree with them. But the thing of it is that I truly do feel this way. Every week at church, I become increasingly aware that I do not fit in. I socialize well and have friends in the ward and everything, but the internal turmoil, the cognitive dissonance create swirling conflict beneath the glassy surface.

I can't expect that the church condone being gay, but I'd really like to turn to it in the hard times and feel like I'm ok... not become increasingly aware of reasons why I don't measure up. I'd like to think that I'm a pretty strong person, but at times, I just need consolation and understanding... and not finding it in the church.

And that's my frustration. a gay mormon. give me time, and I'll prove to you guys that there really is more to my life than this. But you are my singular outlet.