No Air

I had a weird flashback to my mission yesterday. The flashback wasn't weird, but the fact that I had one was.

How did I do it? How did I make it two years of my life without any problems--with really minimal temptation, without doing anything stupid? I wasn't continuously happy, either... I felt way super stressed at times, discouraged at others, overwhelmed at others... I felt everything that I now use as an excuse for being weak, but I wasn't weak back then.

Honestly, I think it was the fact that I felt like my actions had a very real impact on the difference I could make in peoples' lives, and I was terrified of compromising that, of lacking the ability to help them accept the Gospel. In short, I believed my actions had a very real and immediate effect on the people I was trying to help.

And now, I only seeing these actions affecting myself...

But the flashback:

It was in one of my favorite areas in my mission. The area was super hard, so it's hard for me to understand why I liked it so much, but I honestly loved it.

I remember it being scorching hot and humid. I remember walking and knocking and contacting and just having nothing to really show for it. I remember salt stains on my ties from sweating so much. It would always cool down a little (very little) at night, and once or twice a week, we would go visit these recent converts who lived out in the middle of nowhere. The wife made this amazing salsa that was almost pure habanero. I remember sweat pouring off of my face even worse than working in the heat of the day. I also remember the feeling of the breeze coming through their window. I remember how simple but amazing the food was that they made--they'd always feed us dinner when we came over. And I remember going back home and feeling like I had an excellent day.

No matter what, I remember going home and feeling like I had an excellent day, like I was doing what I was supposed to...

I was smiling when I snapped out of it. It was so hard, so hot, so long... but all of the bad stuff dulled with time.

And now? I've got all of my time to do exactly what I want, I have heating and air conditioning, a car, friends, free time (albeit a small amount)... and I can't shake the feeling that life is tough.

It's not. I know I've got it a lot better off than so many others.

I use the "difficult" times to justify myself when, in fact, I lack strength, the trust, the faith to commit, to let the bad dull with time, to look back at this time in my life and smile for the person I was.

It's not the "gay" stuff, either. Honestly, I'm tired of caring about that. It's more basic than that.

I want to come home and feel like I had an excellent day--I want that feeling, again.

Thank goodness we can change.

Alone

Man, I love glee...

I've been pretty crazy busy lately. I feel like I'm barely making it from deadline to deadline. In fact, I probably shouldn't even be blogging right now, but I've kinda been missing it... so here I am...

And not really that many stories to share. I had this nightmare the other night that a scorpion was chasing me. It was pretty weird, but scorpions are pretty dang freaky, so I woke up flailing... that never happens. I was also dead tired for the rest of the day.

Anyway, I'm hoping that things slow down a little bit after this week. I stretched myself too thin, and I should've seen it coming. I could use a break. The nice thing is that I really don't have time to think too much about anything else in my life besides meeting deadlines. It has been good to be distracted.

What else? I had a really good day at church on Sunday. Being there heightens the cognitive dissonance, even when I'm not doing anything wrong. But I kind of like it--it makes me aware of things that I want to change... ones that I can change, at least. In all honesty, I had kinda given up on the "church" thing. I was just planning to go through the motions and stick it out until I'm finished with school. Now, I'm not so sure.

It makes me wonder how my life would be right now if I were attending school somewhere else. Would I still go to church at all? I don't see myself being a man-whore or anything. I guess it doesn't do much good to wonder because the fact is that I'm here and that I'm better off staying here. If I transferred, I wouldn't get a job doing what I wanted. That would make me unhappy for a long time 'cuz once you miss the boat, it doesn't come back. I guess that's the main reason I stay here. I'm pretty sure I already wrote it, but I looked at transferring last year. I just couldn't find another school ranked as well without having some pretty big changes in curriculum... and no guarantees that I'd ever even be accepted.

But since I'm stuck here, I've been attending church. I never dislike it, but I actually enjoyed and appreciated it this past Sunday. There are so many great people here, too, that I'd be sad if I left.

Anyway, I've got reports and papers and conference calls and applications and textbooks and unforgiving deadlines, so I'm going to go do something.

Are You There?

Wow, so that was a crazy break that I had there.

No school on Monday... that was excellent. So I had extra time to get all of the homework done that I had to do... Oh wait- no, I went on a road trip with my friends.

In fact, I did about 10 minutes of homework the entire vacation. But it was excellent. I went cross-country skiing for the first time in my life. I can sure run 15 miles ok, but put me on cross-country skis, and 3 miles was about all I wanted to do. The part where I ate it a few times didn't help the cause. It was a good workout, though--I could feel it.

I actually had a lot of fun. It's kinda hard to explain, but I didn't feel like I was "different" or whatever. It didn't even seem to matter. I have good friends.

And then, there was the part where the guy got back in contact with me. It's hard not to feel some of those old feelings reemerging, but part of me is angry at him, and part of me doesn't want to lean on or share my life with him. Does that sound weird? And part of me wants him back in my life...

I just want to know what he wants from me. I don't have a problem keeping in contact with him, but I also want to keep my distance. I don't want to get attached, again, and then be hurt... again... and at a time when I really need to have my shit together, I can't risk letting everything fall apart like it did this past summer. I literally ran home. I remember hearing from him and then deciding that I had to get away. It was finals, thank goodness, so I just crammed for the day and took them both. I can't do that this time.

Ok, that's enough.

I'm going to try to let this go. It just dug up all of those feelings. I mean, I already knew I had feelings for him still, but it's hard to describe the difference it made when he got back in contact with me. I've got to let these feelings go.

I've got stuff to do, stars to coax

The Resolution

Well, have I got some stories for you...

Unfortunately, I have to start getting ready for school, but here's a little tidbit for you:

The guy had sent me an e-mail on Saturday. I responded, and then he sent a couple more... then he called last night...

Someone tell me what the hell I should do. I wish I could just switch my life to autopilot for a little while.

We Built This City

Not the usual, I know. I was in the SFH today, and it was playing way loud. It kinda made me laugh. It was pretty sweet.

My life became about ten times less stressful, thank goodness. I feel like my hopes and plans move in very delicate orbits just out of my reach. If the stars aren't perfectly aligned, my hopes and plans will either float off into space or come crashing down. I've never actually collided with a hope, so I'm not sure if that's good or bad, but I'm going to guess it wouldn't be too excellent.

Anyway, cue aligning stars. That's not to say they've aligned, but they're making their way... even if they do seem to be dragging their feet. Like I said before, I've got backup plans and backups to the backups locked in underground vaults and dusty safes, but I'd rather not go to all of the trouble of digging them up.

It's hard to convince myself that I have the potential to be successful in my endeavors. I think it's my desire to be realistic--a desire that would actually be useful to me in my career. But I can do this. I've worked harder for this than I have for anything else in my life, so why would I try (however subconscious the effort may be) to sabotage it?

I'm not in it for the money. I only had a one-story in my daydream (I reference it too much not to link it)... although it was furnished by Pottery Barn... maybe some Restoration, too... so I guess that would make it more expensive. And I'm not exactly sure where I was living, although I have the sneaking suspicion it was on the East coast. I'm not sure I like the thought of living there.

Again, I digress

Not in it for the money. I've just never been so excited, challenged, engaged in anything else. It's a scary thought to picture yourself waking up and doing the same thing every morning for years that may turn into decades, so I've got to fight for this.

Anyway, my odds just improved tenfold, so life feels a lot better.

Must Have Done Something Right

I started running, again. It's actually been really nice. I took a break there for a while because it was all I could do to stay afloat with classes last semester... 3.95--so close. I realized last semester that it is really, really hard to get A's in your classes. I mean, there is no room for error. The one class I got an A- in was from a bombed test... from three hours of sleep and being way sick... I feel like I may be repeating myself.

But I digress!

This semester, it has been a part of my schedule in spite of the fact that I have read about 700 textbook pages in the past week... give me another day, and it'll be up another few hundred.

Yeah.

The pages are seriously starting to blur together. And it isn't light reading, either.

Did I mention I had way bad ADD when I was growing up? Like legit. I guess it is coming back tonight.

So running. It has been nice. I forgot that I can let myself unwind, let myself sleep better at night. Granted, no long distances until it warms up and I can go hit up the trails. It also means eating more and trying to put back the weight that I lost. I was down 8 from Thanksgiving and 15 from the summer when I came back for Christmas. I put all 8 back :)... just trying to add on the last 7 and see where I can go from there.

And just when I think I've managed to isolate myself, someone new, really attractive, and questionable finds their way into my life. Please, just strike the question from my mind. Life feels like a shadow of what it should be without someone to love, but to step into the light, to take the path requires that we be brave... or foolish... to the extent that we can discard our fear of regret and function on the frail hope of achieving something better.

I'm not brave, and I'm not foolish--not in that regard, at least. I am sedentary, static, unwilling-

No, just scared. Uncertain.

Uhh, this is entirely beside the point, but you should make a special effort to visit failblog.org on a regular basis. My roommate and I were laughing so hard that we cried. The website is pure genius and most certainly inspired.

Also, I got Pushing Daisies Season 2 for Christmas.

Also, I started watching Glee... and the sun shone a bit brighter...

Did I mention I'm gay?

-

I can't go anywhere in this city without some memory of being there with him. What a Friday.

Ruthless

Gotta get my blogging out of me before I go out.

I've resisted doing anything retarded. School has been way to busy, anyways. I'm not even kidding. I know it'll get more manageable as I get into the routine of it, but it has been crazy. As a result, things with the random guy are kinda fizzling out. I feel ok about it. I mean, there isn't much (nothing, in fact) to fizzle, but it is.

So then what happens? I go back to square one... maybe I can just stay there for a little longer. I mean, there aren't any more people I'd wonder about in my life, so then I should be safe, isolated in that regard.

Meanwhile, I'm shifting my career path. Still have the same goal, just a different route. What does that mean? I need different internship prospects at a time when I should be finalizing them. I can do this. Life will be ok--I'm sure of it. I just don't like the uncertainty of how it will get there.

I still have money, and that's comforting. I thought for a little bit that I wouldn't even have enough to make it through the semester.

I'm rambling. I guess I'm here because I just need to give some attention to this part of me. It's not going to go away--I'm sure of it. It's ok, though. I can't remember exactly what daydream guy looked like, but I'll just keep an eye out in case he happens across my path.

That reminds me of the other thing I was wanting to write about. I was thinking about the guy last night... I'm not exactly sure why. I was just remembering random times with him... I remember running random errands at night with him so we could see each other, him leaning his seat back so I could give him a quick kiss without being caught before I hopped out of the car. I remember his giving me crap, too--I liked it. I remember the first time he told me he loved me. I remember the last time I saw him.

Wow, I sound GAY

But I miss him. I should let it go, though. If I care about him, I should do everything I can to make it easier. So I just write on here.

As weird and complicated and confusing as I may make things, I'm just bad at dealing with the emotions. For the first time in my life, it felt ok to feel them, I just wasn't sure where to go from there. I wasn't sure how to work past that point. But you--I really hope you're ok. I hope you're happy, but whenever I try to picture you, you're just going through the motions. I should give you more credit, though. Maybe it's just because that's exactly what I'm dealing with.

Anyway, no matter how hard I try, I can't forget you. And something tells me I won't forget you--ever. I guess that's how I know I love you, too.

Hypnotize

I'm starting something. What am I doing?

I try to be strong, and then I hit a weak spot, break down, give in, give hope... which will lead to giving mixed signals, causing confusion, hurting someone... again...

Why can't I just give up my agency for a while?

This guy is there, is persistent, is nice, is breaking the barriers down

is leaving me wondering what the hell I'm getting into...

I could just lock myself in a bomb shelter? Move to Greenland? Build a house in that hole that they found on the moon?

Well, good night.