Greensleeves

Why, yes, I am listening to Christmas music. And this happens to be one of my favorites... next to Coventry Carol.

I've just gotta write so I can get this off my chest. This kid is super perplexing, and he's in half of my classes. And what do I make of it? He isn't. He can't be. But it drives me so freakin crazy because I just want not to have a reason to wonder--for heaven's sake, put me out of my misery. Make it through the semester, then you won't have to worry about it.

I amaze myself with how stupid I am. I just need to get a grip. I just need to pull myself together. Even if he were, he's definitely out of my league by a very long shot... like very long. Thanks, by the way, for being here, little blog. You're the best little blog ever.

And I took a test yesterday while trying to function on a cumulative 12 hours of sleep from the past three days. Maybe other people can survive on that, but I sure can't. Anyway, the numbers all seemed to be moving around. I knew the stuff, but it is supposed to be tricky, and I apparently was in a trick-able mindset... so I'm hoping I land on the curve or just a little bit below it cuz my last test can save me, but still, come on! I'm kind of hoping to have a future.

2 more tests left. And thank goodness I realized that the weekend is coming so that I could make plans. I'm not too big on Halloween, but I love pumpkin pie and cider and really thick, rich hot chocolate and kolaches...

I also discovered that I'm risk-averse. You'll find me investing in only index funds and investment-grade bonds in the future.

And the fear about the future--I think I'm learning a little better to deal with it. There's something exhilarating about choosing and going, leaping, pushing ahead into the darkness.

And kid, you perplex me, and you don't even realize it. Just talk to me--tell me you aren't, that it's in my head.

The Good Fight

I keep finding myself back at the same old problem.

The thing is that this problem seems to affect other parts of my life... there's a root problem that I'm having trouble identifying and addressing. I was reading through some other blogs, and I took comfort in the fact that other people didn't necessarily know for a certainty where they were going, but the unsettling part was that they chose and moved.

And then there's me. I'm so afraid of regretting a decision that I remain stagnant... and I miss the experience of either journey.

But it's the same for my schooling, too. I'm literally trying to study everything I'm interested in. It is honestly killing me, but I'm so afraid of missing some chance or opportunity, of not being in the right place at the right time or lacking skills or experiences... or arriving at the end and realizing that I got off course at some point in the journey.

You have to choose. You can't just keep living in limbo. Of all of the choices, I think that that may be the worst. I may be able to knock myself out with my studies and end up with degrees in everything that I want, but I can't live a straight/gay life and enjoy the benefits of both.

Risk and regret are an inevitable part of life, I think. Every decision has an opportunity cost associated with it, so the best you can do is choose the best and live with it. I respect the people that can make a choice and live with it, that can move forward and trust in whatever it may be--the Lord, themselves. As for me, I need to work on that.

Two posts in one day--that may be a first.

Brighter Than Sunshine

I really wish this would go away. I wish they would go away--the guys that I wonder about, the ones that get to me, the ones that stir and unsettle and make me question my steadfastness. I'm glad I don't know for sure, or I would end up doing something stupid, again. But not knowing doesn't make things much better because the hypothetical situations don't play out ideally in my head.

Anyway, it drives me crazy. I don't know what the heck is my problem.

I've been doing so much better, though. I just want to hold on. I'm glad that there isn't anyone left here that knows about me, that I don't keep in contact with guys that I could have a problem with, not even the guy.

It's just back to being a secret.

I don't know where it came from, but last week, one of my friends (a girl... it might be unsettling if a guy asked me this) asked me what I thought 'love' was. We were waiting for something, so there wasn't really any avoiding the subject.

Love is stopping your world for someone. It's putting everything else on hold to make time for or accommodate the person, to listen, to help. It's stepping out of your box for them, no matter how uncomfortable it may make you. No matter how busy you are or what you have to do, they somehow take priority... They don't ask you to do it, you just do. You have to.

"I can tell you've been in love," she said.

That's the problem.

Well, I have homework to do and a game to watch. Pray that we beat TCU.

The Good Fight

I am a creepy stalker. Just had to throw that out there... I don't even want to tell the story.

I just want to avoid my homework. I have had a pretty dang miraculous week as far as my workload goes, and I also have successfully aced all of the tests in all of my classes so far. What is happening with my life?

I feel better and happier at times, but I still crave the connection. I crave it, but I'm afraid of it, too. It's easy to be afraid of it since everything in my life seems to be going so much better as of right now. Throw in a little opposition, and we'll see how long that keeps up for, but I'm glad for where I am right now.

Bite My Tongue

Well, that was the low point.

I'm glad for the attack of conscience, the sorrow, the realization that I have a sincere desire to be different, to align my will with God's.

So, things have been going up over these past few days. In fact, things started improving shortly after I posted that. I realized that I want to live my life in a way that I can take pride in... I realize that I usually know what the "best" things are, to reference a talk that grew cliche from the millions of references made to it following that conference. Anyway, I feel different when I go to bed with the knowledge that I did what I was supposed to... the best things, the most meaningful...

Does that even make sense?

Regardless, I've felt better about my life, I've felt my confidence waxing stronger, as the scripture goes. There are still the temptations, the perplexities (like nice kid, for example, who is still really nice and confusing), but things feel different. Granted, there will be inevitable highs (one of which I may be currently experiencing) and lows, but I'm glad that I still at least feel highs like this.

And class, my future... I'm pretty stubborn and independent, but there arrives points in time when I can't do something, when there's too much or not enough. The amazing thing is that those times magically work out. I'm still exhausted, but impossible situations suddenly become possible, solutions or doors manifest themselves.

I'm glad, and I'm grateful.

Someone Else's Arms

I don't know where to start. I don't know how to approach or to address--and dress--these wounds.

I had an attack of conscience through a series of awkward and necessary events in which I was only an observer. But to hear and to reflect on this situation, this situation that seems to eclipse the other parts of my life... I haven't dealt with it. I haven't dealt with underlying causes and the rippling effects. I simply try to pick up the pieces and move on. But they remain just that--pieces. There is no resolution, no change of heart, no laying to rest.

It's just me. I'm just trying to do the best I can... alone.

I need to talk to the bishop. What am I afraid of? The awkwardness of it, the pain of shedding light on it... I think it's the pride. It's admitting that I am significantly flawed, more than people around me think. It's the fear of having them think differently about me.

The sincere, fervent prayers happen sporadically... I don't blame Him for being slow to hear my cry, if that's what it is, or maybe I'm just getting the answers that I'm afraid of.

In the end, I suppose this means I'm not dead inside, not numb to the weight and sting of this problem. So I talk to him, I guess. I do something that I haven't been able to do up to this point. I do it in faith, in hope of a better future, of taking these pieces and making a whole.

Right now, I feel kind of like my life is one of those things that you find at a garage sale--a shadow of what it used to be.

But no more pitying myself. I know what I have to do, I know that this is an important starting point for me and that I have the opportunity to experience the same feelings I felt before if I do the things that I know are necessary... If I take that step into the dark, right? We've already talked about that.

Dizzy

This week has been crazy...

And I inevitably make stupid mistakes. It gets a little bit annoying, predictable, frustrating. But the thing is, as I grow increasingly frustrated with myself for coming so far and then slipping, something excellent happens in my life.

I ace my tests, finish my homework early...

I don't really get it. I don't know if I should feel good or bad about it. I mean, on one hand, I could just be heaping condemnations on my head since there is no immediate retribution, just good, just reasons to appreciate my life.

The other part of me thinks that maybe I'm hard enough on myself or something.

Either way, I'm grateful for it.

Squealing tires, U-turn...

No connection, no connecting, but craving it. I need to learn. This kid- it probably isn't even anything, there's nothing there... just good and nice. Learn from your mistakes. Of course there's nothing to do about it-- what could be done? Circumstances are different, stakes are higher. Just see it for what it is; just don't lose your brain.

Ok, got that off my chest. I did 10 1/2 today... and four of those miles were pure hills... two were pure uphill. I took a loop and apparently chose the wrong direction to take it. But I like seeing the bikers and joggers. I like passing the bikers on the hills, and I like seeing other trail runners. It's hard not to feel some weird empathy or camaraderie or something. I'm also not getting snowed on, and that is always appreciated.

This morning (and keep in mind that I'm very confused when I'm waking up) I heard a bunch of pounding and yelling, lights were turning on, I couldn't figure out what was going on. Then, my roommate comes in and says, "Wake up, (other roommate) is hurt." We go in there and the other roommate is talking to the 911 operator, and hurt roommate is having a seizure on the floor. Scary. The paramedics came, me and one other roommate went to go stay with him. It was so early, and I was so tired, and I had so much to get done today.

Then, my one project magically turned out right, got 100% (long story, but I got lucky) on a quiz that I didn't study for, had a hilarious time with my friends... the day started out so weird and ended up so good.

But back to "hurt" roommate. He's ok. They didn't find out what caused it, but people just randomly have a seizure sometime, so I'm glad that he's ok.

And that's the end of my post. I either need to go to bed or do homework, so good night.

American Love

He tried to tear open the wound. Just something of his that I came across-- not sure if it was something he put there recently, or maybe it was just a ghost from the past. And I'm not sure what to do with it. Nothing, I suppose.

It'll be better in the morning, better next week, next month, next year. Little by little, I guess. Conference was good. It seems like the Saturday morning session always ends up being the most applicable, most pertinent. The talk on burdens was insightful and helpful and made me feel just a little bitter... but who am I to complain?

I was running in the mountains the other day. It was really pretty with all of the trees turning colors. Then, it started snowing really lightly. It was an excellent run until about 1/2 mile later when it started blizzarding on me, and I couldn't see the trail, the mountains, or anything that was more than a couple of feet away from me. The snow was blowing straight into my eyes, so I couldn't look ahead... I put my head down and booked it. I haven't run that good of a time in a while. I guess I don't usually run for my life, though, either. Then, the sun came out.

Kill

Part of me doesn't want to be sitting at my computer on a Friday night. The other part of me is ok with it. I kind of like the time to download. I don't understand how I became an introvert. I think it started in my mission. I remember getting really tired of talking to people by the end of it. I decided that I didn't want to talk to anyone when I got home. Haha. That didn't work too well, of course, but I was just glad that I didn't have to talk to so many people anymore...

But it's weird. I definitely wasn't like this before my mission.

Anyway, I have to finish a couple of assignments to submit for tonight and tomorrow, so I guess that I don't really have any choice at all. I had a hiccup, today. It's taken care of, I think.

What do I want to talk to you about? What I want for the future, I guess. I realized today that I do not want to have a career in the area of my major that I was thinking about. I don't want to work 100 hours a week, pull all-nighters. I could do that once in a while, but it would really, seriously affect my productivity. And I also realized that I don't really want to work for someone higher up. From my dad's work, I spent a lot of time around people that were independent, self-made, wealthy individuals who had good ideas and worked hard for themselves. I see my dad doing the same thing, too. They work hard, but they seem happy. They make a good living, too.

But I like the problem-solving, analytical kind of thinking of my major. Maybe I really will go to med school-- I like the problem-solving, working with people, a minimal amount of politics and latter-climbing... maybe I'll just live with my parents. They have jobs.

I think this whole "being gay" thing is what I need in my life to break my will and force me to depend on the Lord. It isn't such a bad thing after all, as long as I don't let it be.