Wasted

I'm kind of getting anxiety, though. I don't like change. Have we talked about this? Anyway, it was the same way in my mission--well, leaving home, leaving the MTC, leaving any of my areas, getting home. I went through the same thing with leaving last year.

Maybe that's weird. I should embrace the adventure. I just get attached to people and places. I know that I need to do what's best for me, though. There's a certain amount of anxiety that comes with venturing into the dark, unknown, regardless of how good it may be for us.

"Just get to the end of the week," I keep telling myself. The thing is, this has been a year-long week. The end of the week never actually comes, if you get what I'm saying. After this week, I'll be done with all presentations. After next week, I'll be done with all finals. After that, I have to knock myself out to study for another really important test. After that, a new internship. After that, prepping for the 2nd level exam, new set of classes, internship recruiting for next summer, making plans for graduation, trips and interviews and offers and a whole ton of other crap. There is no end to it.

And lets not kid ourselves- I'm not really that busy, in the grand scheme of things; but the point that I'm trying to get at is that I don't want to be continually looking forward to something that is never going to come. And the thing is that for those few times where everything is done, I start to get kind of bored. I wouldn't know what to do with myself. I just need to enjoy the current situation, whatever it may be. I just deleted the first sentence of this post. I need to stop counting down, 'cuz I'm never going to get to zero.

As far as the anxiety goes, I'm going to miss the people here. We aren't dying or anything, but it always changes, no matter how hard you may try to keep it the same. And it's hard to tell if the change is for the better, but I guess that's left up to us to decide.

There is a whole list of stuff for me to take care of. I'm not sure why I'm on here, but it's nice to have an outlet.

I just have to go off on one more tangent. I'm not much of a one for beating dead horses, so I promise I'm going somewhere with this. I don't want to find someone here--if I'm going to go to school here, I want to play by the rules. Having said that, how am I going to find anyone in the real world? I mean, I don't go clubbing, I don't want to drink (tastes sick), I'm not really effeminate, and I'm going to be working in an industry that is a straight, married man's haven. On top of that, I think I would probably either drive a guy crazy, or he'd drive me crazy. At the same time, it's not like finding a guy here would be that much easier. I mean, look at me--the whole religion thing, being afraid of getting outed or kicked out of school.

Anyway, I'm just afraid that I'm not going to find anyone in the real world. And I'm afraid to wait long because I don't want it to be about money (not that I'll be making gobs), but does that make sense? I mean, there's something kinda romantic (ooook, need a different word) about the whole "being poor and trying to make ends meet in the early years" thing, in my eyes. On top of that, you know that they'll stick with you, that they aren't in it for money or anything else. I'd like to know that it's just me, you know?

This is a weird post.

You've been subjected to enough torture.