Yeah 3x

So I started taking medication for

A
D
H
D.

Wow. Wish I could describe it.

It's weird, you know--it's a stimulant, but it is prescribed to do exactly the opposite. Like really. Imagine yourself playing a one-man game of hot potato (so juggling?) with all of the stimuli around you in addition to a mess of unrelated thoughts in your head. That is life inside my head. It's a miracle I actually accomplish anything.

Slap me on some meds, and I can magically handle and examine one thought at a time for as long as I'd like. Really- I have never felt that way before in my life. Ever. Well, I mean I can hyper-focus, but it's usually the wrong thing at the wrong time. I've never actually made a decision to focus on something and then focused on it.

Whatever. You get the point. I just wish I would've done this like 10 years ago. Don't get me wrong: it's not like I've lived a life of underachievement and lost opportunities, but I wonder how much better I could have done with class, tests, or whatever... Aaaaaaanyways

Got a note from that missionary. Yeah. Guess I only brought up my problem with phone calls in previous posts, right? Makes my heart explode out of my chest. I hate that I get so googly-eyed.

THEN, I got a note the next day from a good friend halfway between home and school. Halfway friend? Is that like a halfway house? What exactly is a halfway house? It's settled, dude: you've got yourself a nickname... albeit a confusing one... Point is, kinda made my day after confusing missionary correspondence.

Not writing the missionary back.

Also, it's Christmas. And almost the end of the year. Maybe this is gonna be a longer post than I was expecting. A year-end reflection kinda thing? I mean, I might not be feeling it a week from now, and beggars (you) can't be choosers.

What was I doing a year ago? Well, thank goodness for this journal. I was watching Criminal Minds with my little sister and seeing that really, really good-looking guy yelling at some crazy (like stabby crazy) gay kid that there's nothing wrong with him... and then realizing that I agreed with really, really, ridiculously good-looking guy... and then realizing that I never look at a gay person and think of it as something that's wrong with them.

Then, realizing that I hold myself to a different standard, thinking that this is the only thing standing between me and a life that would make my parents, friends, family proud... selfless, right?

Haha. Right. A poor excuse to cover up the occasional (read: frequent) jolts of agony I feel for being incapable of living a life that I see as equal to those around me, acceptable in their eyes. It's really just selfish. Selfish because on some level, I'm still ashamed.

Ouch.

But why the bad stuff? I also kicked ass in school this year, survived a high-speed crash, made bank, spent some quality time with my family, finished a retaining wall, made some excellent friends, learned to cook authentic Indian food, wait-

learned you can make whipped eggnog--no shit! Just one part cream to one part eggnog. Then beat it for a long time. Haha- that's what she said. Make some drinking chocolate, top it with whipped eggnog, and sprinkle some cinnamon, and you've got yourself a drink that'll not only send the Christmas Spirit beating down your door and tracking snow through your house (all the while shouting a mixture of slurred profanities and "Merrrrrrrr Chrrstmsss"'s), but also send you into the new year with 20 extra pounds and type two diabetes.

Hands down the most amazing 2010 event thus far. Guess I've got a few days to see if anything else is gonna top that. My new meds came pretty damn close--I'll be honest.

As for the rest of it, I need to focus more on sincerity and less on outcomes, I know. We do our best to push onward and ask for forgiveness along the way because that's the most we can expect of ourselves. And in a world of inevitable interactions, collisions, human contact, I think self actualization lies somewhere around the point when we see through our own actions and outcomes to our underlying intentions. We find permission to seek and grant forgiveness for ourselves... it's a work in progress...

And you? I sincerely wish you a merry Christmas. Maybe we could all sit down to lunch sometime? Share a few hearty homo guffaws over a grilled chicken salad and an apple-tini? That was the gayest lunch I could think of...