All I Need

This song makes me feel something--longing? Or comfort? Like something that reaches deep within and rearranges... neither creating nor destroying.

Damn you, Pandora. It's just adding to the mood. I want to be indifferent, cold, immovable. He was in the area today, so he visited--the missionary. What the hell, TC?! And why are you doing this, missionary. You left, and I thought I was free. You called. You called, again; and I prayed that it would just go away. Then you show up on the doorstep. And no matter how far I've been removed for how long, it tugs and pulls and tears off that scab I've so carefully constructed. There's something about you--I can't even tell if it's an actual physical attraction or that I just want to be where you are.

And you're not. Really. I mean, it may sound to you (the reader) like he is or could be, but you'd have to be there. It isn't a possibility. It's not a possibility.

But man, just when I think I'm strong, it shakes me to the core. I just need to remind myself that it will go away, eventually... that I'll learn to see this as what it is: a friend.

And someday, I will find someone who does the exact same thing to me as this kid does... except I'll do the same to him. It'll happen- I know it will. And it'll feel right, it'll feel comfortable.

Missionary, I'm grateful for you. I wish I didn't feel this way--really, truly wish I didn't feel this way. And you've forced me to learn and to change. You claw at the corners of my heart, though I try to cover, to hide, to harden then. And through the pain, I am reminded that I am human- that no matter how high, how long, how deep the stony wall may be, it will only ever be a feeble and failed attempt to guard the emotions that humble and humanize, that bind my soul to my body, that paint broad strokes of deep blues and purples across our landscape.

I need a change of songs. Scratch that--I need to go to bed.