Suspension

I feel like I've done too much eating and sitting these past couple weeks. Everyone in my family will be gone on random vacations through the end of next week, so I'm thinking I can take the chance to establish some kind of routine, again. It's hard enough to keep any muscle when I'm actively working out, and the "sitting at a desk all day" thing isn't helping.

My car is pretty much dying. It's kinda sad. There's one more thing that's getting fixed, and I hope that takes care of the problem for a while... or I need to start working on getting a new car. Thankfully, my dad has been footing the repair bill. I seriously owe him and my stepmom the world for how much they've done for me. I know they don't expect anything in return, but it would be nice to be able to return the favor at some point.

Anyway, my stepmom was driving me to work the other day, and she was talking about how she sometimes takes the "bus only" roads downtown because it's faster. "I don't feel bad about breaking the rules," she said. "It's not like I'm killing anyone." It made me laugh. And I kinda respect that. Maybe I'll give it a try. My stepmom is pretty freakin sweet.

The other disjointed part of my story is about an article I saw in the newspaper the other day. It was talking about how a judge struck down a law banning discrimination of same-sex couples. The other part of the article had quotes from various "traditional family" activists. I realized that their arguments really had no substance to them.

I realize I kinda like being gay... in a masochistic kinda way... well, I'm not into whips and stuff... I'm not sure I like the approach I'm taking

It's not like I wander through my days in complete acceptance of the situation as it stands, but there is something about confronting this wall--immovable, steadfast. I can pound and scream and kick and persuade and plead, but the wall remains unchanged, the barrier between me and a landscape I can only picture... a life I will never enjoy. But it's forced me to accept the ugly. In a world where I am a firm believer that we have absolute control over our destiny, I find one piece that I have not been able to break down.

And in the process, it has smoothed my jagged edges, forced me to turn back from the wall and take in the landscape that I've blindly ignored- a landscape that, as it turns out, seems pretty beautiful in and of itself. I realize that it is exclusive in its own right, that someone stands on the other side of that same wall with only the vaguest understanding of what lies on the other side. Our communications and conjectures will be biased, can be marked by fear and judgement of the different and unknown.

I don't know if that wall will ever be broken down. I doubt I will ever be able to completely understand a straight person's point of view, and I doubt they will ever understand my situation.

But I do know that being gay has made me a nicer person.

And I hope the people who speak out in righteous indignation will encounter their own concrete walls to smooth their jagged edges... or find their way underneath my car's wheels... just kidding...

And, most of all, I hope that when I find the man I want to spend the rest of my life with, we'll have the same rights as couples across all landscapes, walls, and understandings.