If You See Kay

Well, blog, it has been a while, hasn't it?

What can I update you on? First, my laptop really is dead beyond resurrection, so I'm confined to parents' laptops and desktops... but I actually kind of like it. I mean, I can't use it as much, so I've actually started reading books more... doing other stuff... I guess... haha

There was a period of intense questioning there for a bit as to whether or not I was actually doing the best thing by being here. But everything has been working out excellently. Granted, I wasn't really looking forward to dropping money on a new laptop, but life goes on.

What am I trying to say? I've got a limited amount of time, and I'm trying to make it count. I think the pressure is making my brain shut down.

In the thick of it, it's kinda hard to trust in the fact that it's going to work out ok. Divine guidance, good luck, karma, whatever the hell it is is kinda hard to trust in... but I can trust in the fact that I've made it work up to this point, that even the crappiest situations can open doors to opportunities and experiences and blessings that I wouldn't have expected.

What I'm trying to get at is that I think I need to place more importance on my ability to survive and improve than on the alignment of stars and guidance of divine hands... no, I don't read my horoscope, but you get the point that I'm trying to make.

Or maybe not.

I just can't write when I feel rushed.

The important thing was that I pushed past what I was comfortable with and, in doing so, found that my 'limit' extends beyond what I thought myself capable of, that I did my best to make the best of a situation that I had questions about. And, as it turns out, the best that I did was better than what I was expecting.

Acoustic #3

It's by the Goo Goo Dolls. Definitely worth checking out, I think.

First things first, I have no laptop. Yeah... it's a really long story (and one that hurts to tell) that ends with my beloved Macbook air being smashed to pieces. He was a good little buddy. We had some pretty sweet adventures together, and one final, not-sweet adventure. I really wasn't wanting to drop money on another laptop anytime soon, but we'll see how long I can go that way.

What did I want to sign on here to say?

Everything was crashing down on me yesterday. I literally felt like my world was falling apart. Demands and deadlines and failures and losses (like my laptop) and fights--they all converged upon a hellish 20-some hours. My first instinct was to blame it on the judgment of God... second was obstacle of Satan...

Then, I thought, "to hell with this."

I can't understand what actions or inactions incur the wrath of God or wiles of satan or whatever. I've just gotta live and try my damndest to make this life worth living.

Correction...

I should probably correct myself.

Sometimes, I am amazed that I have the mental capacity to get out of bed and dress myself every morning.

I glanced at my post from yesterday and realized I am retarded. The judge overturned the gay marriage ban--the law that was discriminating against same-sex couples... whatever. You get the point. The odd thing is that it did not register as the exact opposite of what I wanted to say when I was writing it. I was just in a hurry to get everything out of my head as fast as possible and didn't catch my mistake until now. I actually read and understood the article. I promise.

But there you go. Go judges.

Suspension

I feel like I've done too much eating and sitting these past couple weeks. Everyone in my family will be gone on random vacations through the end of next week, so I'm thinking I can take the chance to establish some kind of routine, again. It's hard enough to keep any muscle when I'm actively working out, and the "sitting at a desk all day" thing isn't helping.

My car is pretty much dying. It's kinda sad. There's one more thing that's getting fixed, and I hope that takes care of the problem for a while... or I need to start working on getting a new car. Thankfully, my dad has been footing the repair bill. I seriously owe him and my stepmom the world for how much they've done for me. I know they don't expect anything in return, but it would be nice to be able to return the favor at some point.

Anyway, my stepmom was driving me to work the other day, and she was talking about how she sometimes takes the "bus only" roads downtown because it's faster. "I don't feel bad about breaking the rules," she said. "It's not like I'm killing anyone." It made me laugh. And I kinda respect that. Maybe I'll give it a try. My stepmom is pretty freakin sweet.

The other disjointed part of my story is about an article I saw in the newspaper the other day. It was talking about how a judge struck down a law banning discrimination of same-sex couples. The other part of the article had quotes from various "traditional family" activists. I realized that their arguments really had no substance to them.

I realize I kinda like being gay... in a masochistic kinda way... well, I'm not into whips and stuff... I'm not sure I like the approach I'm taking

It's not like I wander through my days in complete acceptance of the situation as it stands, but there is something about confronting this wall--immovable, steadfast. I can pound and scream and kick and persuade and plead, but the wall remains unchanged, the barrier between me and a landscape I can only picture... a life I will never enjoy. But it's forced me to accept the ugly. In a world where I am a firm believer that we have absolute control over our destiny, I find one piece that I have not been able to break down.

And in the process, it has smoothed my jagged edges, forced me to turn back from the wall and take in the landscape that I've blindly ignored- a landscape that, as it turns out, seems pretty beautiful in and of itself. I realize that it is exclusive in its own right, that someone stands on the other side of that same wall with only the vaguest understanding of what lies on the other side. Our communications and conjectures will be biased, can be marked by fear and judgement of the different and unknown.

I don't know if that wall will ever be broken down. I doubt I will ever be able to completely understand a straight person's point of view, and I doubt they will ever understand my situation.

But I do know that being gay has made me a nicer person.

And I hope the people who speak out in righteous indignation will encounter their own concrete walls to smooth their jagged edges... or find their way underneath my car's wheels... just kidding...

And, most of all, I hope that when I find the man I want to spend the rest of my life with, we'll have the same rights as couples across all landscapes, walls, and understandings.

The First One

I don't understand my Pandora station. I think it may have hit menopause or something because it has seemed awfully moody: pouring salt in my wounds when I'm feeling crappy, playing so many songs that I dislike (consecutively, mind you) that I use up all of my "skips" on the station, hot flashes, the usual, you know?

Maybe we should part ways for a little bit?

The past few days have been a huge improvement. I'm trying to come to grips with the situation all over again, and I think the effort may be a successful one.

I guess Monday was kinda the tipping point for me. Anyways, nothing can ever (or will ever, for that matter) happen with this kid, and the guy will pretty much not have a way to contact me for another month or so. Phew. Getting over this kid and steeling myself to shut down the situation with the guy before he gets the wrong impression: two monumental accomplishments that are in the making. Cross your fingers for me.

Not to mention the fact that it is a long weekend, and there is no work for me on Monday... well, no official work, but I will have to go in and take care of some stuff. I can do that in jeans, though, and at my leisure.

It's good. The drama is dying down. You probably wouldn't be able to tell from this blog, but I really try not to be dramatic... but it has to come out somewhere; and, lucky for you, that happens to be this blog.

I also get to work in the nursery at Church, making it a billion times more enjoyable. I don't have to go to EQ, for one, and I get to hang out with some pretty hilarious little kids. They get snack time--what the heck?! Why don't we do that in EQ? I think part of the reason I hate it is because it's the last hour that stands between me and the refrigerator. I start to get kinda angry (and dizzy) when I'm hungry. Is that weird? Anyway, nursery is sweet.

I wish there was something meaningful to tell you on here, but I guess this is the end. Fireworks are tonight (if it stops raining), and I may actually try to do something to get back in shape tomorrow. Happy fourth. You should probably celebrate this special day by watching one of the best movies ever made: Team America: World Police. If that's not patriotic, I don't know what is.