First, I found out that I got a full-ride scholarship for next year. That was nice. I guess they awarded it to me a while back, but I didn't realize until this past week. I also got way good grades for school and have gotten a ton of career help from the people I've reached out to recently.
My life has every reason to go badly right now, but everything has been excellent. On top of it all, it is officially springtime here, and that means being outside, bringing life back to my skin, the damp air and sweet thunderstorms, tulips and irises and daffodils (at least for a little while longer).
I've also forced myself to stop counting down to anything. It's amazing how much more I enjoy my days and weeks and months (though this resolution has been too short to report anything past a month, really).
I woke up thinking about this kid (not in a bad way) I met at a Matis fireside--the only one I ever went to. I pretty much don't remember anyone that I met from that evening, but I remember this kid, for some reason. I think it was because he could see right through me to my extreme level of discomfort, and he really helped put me at ease (well, relatively speaking.) Wow, this is coming off differently than I intended.
What I'm really trying to say is that I wonder how he's doing. If I could remember others, I'm sure I'd be wondering about them, too. There was just something about this kid that made me identify with him... which is retarded since I didn't even talk to him for that long. But you get that feeling, you know? Or maybe I'm just crazy. Sad thing about not saying any of this in person is that I don't get any immediate feedback from you.
Either way, I'm hoping that didn't come across as creepy. I'm not sure why I even typed it.
But back to home. I'm glad to be here. I'm glad that, after all of that time I spent stressing and working and hoping, things have started working out. And in the grand scheme of things, I'm going to look back and wonder why I worried so much in the first place.
I also was thinking back to my mission. This post has turned out to be longer than I was expecting. At the beginning of my mission, I was what we called a "Nazi elder" in that I was anti anything that resembled something that could possibly be a minor infringement on an implication of a rule. I feel like it was some kind of manifestation of what I felt toward myself for being gay--denying anything fun and working myself (and my companion) to death because that was what I deserved. I was nice to my companions, but I'm still pretty sure that they wanted to kill me. As the mission went on, there was a point in time where I started loosening up, having more fun. I didn't go off the edge into apostasy, but I feel like I moved toward a healthier balance of work and play.
It was the point in time where I stopped hoarding the mistakes that I had made and, even worse, things about me that weren't mistakes: being gay.
This may be an abrupt end to the post, but I really have to go.
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