Save the World

I can't believe this blog is still in existence...

I'm not sure where to start or what to say. To be honest, I've logged on here with a purpose, and that purpose isn't to shoot the breeze.

La Senda Ardua - didn't realize that was going to be the understatement of my life. It's been two years, and as I've skimmed through some of the posts I last wrote on this blog, I've taken a little comfort in knowing that my life has always been dysfunctional.

But the purpose. And then, maybe, we'll get to shooting some shit, OK?

We'll call him T. He's not out (like me... not that I really care... although it is about time, though I won't address it right now, as we're wayyyy too early in the story for that kinda digression), which is fine. Older than me. Handsome, chiseled, muscular, blue eyes, kinda rugged/outdoorsy... this guy is nearly the absolute most deadly combination of physical characteristics I could ask for in a guy.

But that part I can handle. I can keep my heart locked up. Insert weak moment, sweet guy, defenses down. The guy treated me like the center of his universe... like I was the most important thing in his life at any given time. I was melted.

THEN there was this tire-screeching, no-signal-U-turn, the-house-suddenly-lost-power kinda change that left me flat on my ass. I had fallen for a guy who was gone and replaced by a distant, fickle impostor. The worst thing is that you can't just flip a switch once you fall like that... I was left feeling like I was fighting a losing battle, salvaging something that only I was interested in.

It made me think back on the time I spent with the original THE guy... almost three years ago in March was the first time we met. Oddly enough, our interaction was almost the same, same outcome, same broken heart, same resolution that I would lock my heart away forever.

Same problem... but different guys... what's the common denominator? Oh yeah- me. What gets me? The thing is, I try to imagine a world in which things were different, in which the guy, or T (doesn't really matter) was actually into me still- was there and interested and still treated me like the center of their world. To be honest, I'm not sure how long I'd stay interested for? I mean, maybe it was just a matter of time before I arrived at the same conclusion? And maybe that's just me being pessimistic. But the thing is, I'm plagued by this intense desire to please the people around me... blaming my upbringing on that one... and so maybe the issue here is not so much that I was in love with these guys, but that I couldn't stand the feeling of not being good enough for them... of not doing or saying the right things to make them stick around...

So the problem (for simplicity's sake, really) rests on me, rests on my inability to be independently happy with who I am. Granted, it's not like I'm wandering around, trying to make random people happy... but there are people, on occasion, who manage to pry their way into my feelings, and then, suddenly, what they think of me becomes painfully intertwined with what I think of me...

But people are fickle (I don't exclude myself from this), and, on top of that, I have a hard time trusting guys in the first place, which I think sets myself up for some kind of self-fulfilling prophecy- going into these situations with the foundational belief that this is temporary, that it's only a matter of time before something better comes along for them.

So, as I was laying on my yoga mat in my loft and trying to avoid the inevitable, these thoughts were fighting for air time... and a conversation ensued:

Gotta work out.

Why?

Get back in better shape. At the very least, maybe T will see you and feel like a dumbass for letting you go.

What's going to be good enough shape?

Summer before senior year... when THE guy was still around. You were in good enough shape.

What did I look like? What did he look like?

Hooold up... on a completely skin-deep comparison, you were wayyy better looking than he was.

Then why didn't I feel like it?

No answer. Dammit. I kept thinking. Came up with an answer. Didn't like it. And I didn't know where to go to sort things out... for catharsis... then, I remembered this blog. Please don't think that I'm a complete douche for what I'm about to say - hopefully it's taken in the spirit I've written it.

I was in really good shape back then- got hit on a surprising amount by strangers (always girls, of course... was never that lucky), had a good job, did well in school, worked hard to make sure I had a decent future. I was a pretty damn good catch, yet I never felt like it with this guy... I spent most of my time wondering how I got so lucky as to snag him... what he could possibly be seeing in me. Why didn't I see that stuff in myself? Why do I have such a hard time seeing it now?

At the end of the day, I know I'm doomed to a repeat of this current situation, these terrible feelings if I can't find a way to love myself unconditionally, to be happy with who I am and where I'm at. We're coming full circle here- don't you worry

You should tell your mom you're gay. Yeah, I definitely think I should. I need to let go of this feeling that I have to make everyone else in my life happy. It's an honorable desire, I know... but I truly think it will drive me crazy if I keep this up without being willing to portray myself honestly to them. I have to be willing to disappoint them for the sake of being real with myself, or I'm going to perpetually feel like a shell in my interactions... like I'm never fully present, or that I'm constantly holding some part of myself back. Truth be told, I doubt anyone will actually care... it's more of a pride thing at the end of the day... and I need to get over it.

Aren't you glad I didn't digress?

That's enough damage for one day.