If I Die Young

Bury me in sun. Lay me down in a bed of roses.

You should probably listen to this song.

Have you ever been riding on a merry-go-round that's spinning really fast? And you try to focus on the images as they blur past you, but you can only capture a moment of clarity before it reverts back to blurry?

That's like my brain. I was staring at this report at work the other day, and I almost started crying out of frustration. I couldn't focus on it--I couldn't find the willpower or something. It just kept blurring past me.

I had pretty bad ADD when I was little. My mom told me that when she'd rearrange the furniture in a room (when I was like four, mind you), I'd run around in circles in the room for 10 or 20 minutes, trying to take it in. Always got in trouble in school, too. My mom was a special ed teacher, so she helped me learn how to cope with it. I just learned to do everything as fast as I could--held my breath sometimes and just did as much as I could for as long as I could hold my breath. My teachers in elementary school had extra work that they would give me after I finished the normal stuff.

But yeah, I find a 10- or 20-minute period where I can focus, and I just do as much as I possibly can... Testing is a little trickier, but I speed through those, too. And it works ok--it means I miss some questions sometimes, but life goes on. Thank goodness for a good memory, as I think that helps balance everything out. Also, I can like hyper-focus on certain things, so I've been lucky in classes that relate to those subjects.

As it turns out, this coping method doesn't work at work... that missing a few details here and there can be really expensive. Either I need to find a different profession, or I need to find a way to take care of this. I'm gonna go get tested, learn about different ways to cope.

The persistent guy texted me the other day:

"you don't wanna talk to me anymore? things seem different..."

Me: Dammit. These always come at the wrong time for me. We're seriously going to have this conversation while I'm at work? I don't know what the hell I want, and now I have to find some way to verbalize feelings I'm not entirely sure I understand in the first place? Maybe I should just break it off right now? But this is a nice kid... But it is also not very good timing for me to be in any kind of relationship... but when will the timing be good... "No dude. I'm just kinda confused right now. I mean, I don't know really where to go from here--BYU's not the ideal place to be in a relationship, and I don't want to be outed or kicked out of school or something. So, to answer your question, I do still want to talk to you, but I'm just trying to figure out where we go from here."

Him: "Well, I'll leave the ball in your court."

Well, I'm trying to figure out what kind of ball this is and what kind of court we're in... or what planet I'm on, for that matter. Leaving the ball with me would be a little bit easier if I understood if this was the beginnings of a friendship or relationship or the end of something... But for heaven's sake, let's define the ball before going and leaving it with me in whatever the hell kind of court I'm in. I don't even know what game we're playing!

So here's to ambiguity in all of its glory, as it seems to bless my life in excessive quantities...

And here's to ADD in all of it's glory. How else would I be able to finish tests so quickly?

And lastly, I cooked with black truffle oil for the first time. This may be a staple in your cupboard, so bear with me, but it was pretty dang good. Marinated NY strip steak in red wine, garlic, crushed pepper, etc; slapped it on the grill, then finished it off with some truffle oil and served it with herbed wheat berries. Don't wanna toot my own horn too much, but that was pretty dang good.