Oh Come, Oh Come, Emmanuel

Yes, it is time for Christmas music. I probably mentioned this before, but my mom has enough Christmas music to rival most radio stations. My favorite is Manheim Steamroller... especially the one that starts with "Hark! The Herald Trumpets Sing," as I think it is the one we heard the most when I was little.

When I was little, we always set the tree up in the sitting room. There was a fireplace on one end and the Christmas tree on the other. At night, I used to go downstairs, turn the tree lights on, and lie under the tree. I was obviously a lot smaller than I am now :). The lights always felt warm and safe... There was something about sitting underneath the warm, bright tree while the moon lit up the snow-covered ground outside... Everything was quiet, peaceful.

After my parents divorced, things didn't feel that way for a long time. I know it was because the old traditions were over, no matter how hard we tried to recreate them. But after some stumbling, I think we were able to create new traditions. Now, despite our weird hybrid-family situation, I've noticed those feelings returning.

Anyway, today was a good after-Thanksgiving. For one, I have a new mac. Thank goodness. I'd like to think I'm not an Apple snob. It really was in a price range that I can justify. Also, it's hard not to buy a computer that looks so good, you know?

I mean, throw up two computers in the same price range and with comparable specs, and I'm gonna go with looks. This little guy is pretty darn good-looking. I've got to think of a name for him.

What else can I tell you? Everyone I know and love around me is getting a pretty bad flu bug. I'm hoping it doesn't happen to me. I've been washing my hands and not touching my face, so that's a good start... It's just a really inconvenient time to get sick.

And I'm poor again. As much as I'd like to think I can throw money around for a new computer and not feel the effects, it's a lie!

Dang it. I feel like I've just rambled the whole time. I'd like to give you something that'll make it worth your time to read this post... I've got nothin. Sorry. I'm really tired, though.

Night.

If I Die Young

Bury me in sun. Lay me down in a bed of roses.

You should probably listen to this song.

Have you ever been riding on a merry-go-round that's spinning really fast? And you try to focus on the images as they blur past you, but you can only capture a moment of clarity before it reverts back to blurry?

That's like my brain. I was staring at this report at work the other day, and I almost started crying out of frustration. I couldn't focus on it--I couldn't find the willpower or something. It just kept blurring past me.

I had pretty bad ADD when I was little. My mom told me that when she'd rearrange the furniture in a room (when I was like four, mind you), I'd run around in circles in the room for 10 or 20 minutes, trying to take it in. Always got in trouble in school, too. My mom was a special ed teacher, so she helped me learn how to cope with it. I just learned to do everything as fast as I could--held my breath sometimes and just did as much as I could for as long as I could hold my breath. My teachers in elementary school had extra work that they would give me after I finished the normal stuff.

But yeah, I find a 10- or 20-minute period where I can focus, and I just do as much as I possibly can... Testing is a little trickier, but I speed through those, too. And it works ok--it means I miss some questions sometimes, but life goes on. Thank goodness for a good memory, as I think that helps balance everything out. Also, I can like hyper-focus on certain things, so I've been lucky in classes that relate to those subjects.

As it turns out, this coping method doesn't work at work... that missing a few details here and there can be really expensive. Either I need to find a different profession, or I need to find a way to take care of this. I'm gonna go get tested, learn about different ways to cope.

The persistent guy texted me the other day:

"you don't wanna talk to me anymore? things seem different..."

Me: Dammit. These always come at the wrong time for me. We're seriously going to have this conversation while I'm at work? I don't know what the hell I want, and now I have to find some way to verbalize feelings I'm not entirely sure I understand in the first place? Maybe I should just break it off right now? But this is a nice kid... But it is also not very good timing for me to be in any kind of relationship... but when will the timing be good... "No dude. I'm just kinda confused right now. I mean, I don't know really where to go from here--BYU's not the ideal place to be in a relationship, and I don't want to be outed or kicked out of school or something. So, to answer your question, I do still want to talk to you, but I'm just trying to figure out where we go from here."

Him: "Well, I'll leave the ball in your court."

Well, I'm trying to figure out what kind of ball this is and what kind of court we're in... or what planet I'm on, for that matter. Leaving the ball with me would be a little bit easier if I understood if this was the beginnings of a friendship or relationship or the end of something... But for heaven's sake, let's define the ball before going and leaving it with me in whatever the hell kind of court I'm in. I don't even know what game we're playing!

So here's to ambiguity in all of its glory, as it seems to bless my life in excessive quantities...

And here's to ADD in all of it's glory. How else would I be able to finish tests so quickly?

And lastly, I cooked with black truffle oil for the first time. This may be a staple in your cupboard, so bear with me, but it was pretty dang good. Marinated NY strip steak in red wine, garlic, crushed pepper, etc; slapped it on the grill, then finished it off with some truffle oil and served it with herbed wheat berries. Don't wanna toot my own horn too much, but that was pretty dang good.

Stay With You

The persistent guy is back in a big way. Maybe bigger than I'd like... Trying to slow him down. Granted, we haven't (want won't be able to for a couple months) met up, but I get nervous every time I feel like change is coming. This is just awkward, because how do you explain to your friends the fact that there is suddenly another guy there, too? Have I mentioned I am a miraculously bad liar?

And I feel bad for the guy because I go through these swings of "yeah, I like this guy" to "what the hell am I doing? I should really just stay single."

Anyways, I've got a couple months to really come to a decision.

Also, I signed up for classes for next semester. That should be interesting. I'm getting to the point where graduation really is within reach, and I'm a little scared. Still not really sure I'll ever be employed, and I don't think I'll believe it until I actually have a job.

Kinda a letdown--I got on here with full intentions of writing something, and this is all you get.

I've been sleepwalking a little lately. Nothing extreme, but I'll wake up in the morning naked (?) with clothes folded and in a pile or with more clothing than I went to bed with... or stuff will be in different places in the morning. Thought I was going crazy, but my dad told me I used to sleepwalk a lot when I was little.

It only really happens if I'm super stressed, which I've kind of been lately. I just have to remember to keep my life in perspective. The worst-case scenario never seems to be so bad once you push your imagination to that limit... it becomes "known" to you, and knowing seems to help the stress and fear dissipate.

Here's to waking up with the exact same clothing I went to bed in.