Good Life

I'm kinda starting to like OneRepublic.

I'm watching my niece and nephew with my mom right now. It makes me realize that I really would like a family of my own, but it also makes me wonder if I'm cut out to be a dad?

Sometimes, I really value quiet, alone time. Mornings, for example--I'm really confused when I wake up and end up getting mad (no matter how hard I try) if I get talked to too much. After I've showered and had a little time to remember who I am and what I'm doing, I'm good to go. But waking up to a crying baby or screaming kids?

But it is also one of the most meaningful and beautiful things we can do.

Yes, I will have a family. I'll find someone who can put up with me for the rest of our lives, and then we'll navigate the minefield of parenthood together, hoping and praying we can stumble through raising kids who love themselves and those around them.

Speaking of loving other people...

I think Glenn Beck may be the spawn of satan, or satan incarnate. I read in the news about his rally to reclaim the civil rights movement on the anniversary of the "I have a dream" speech.

What the hell? Is this guy for real? Every time I hear something about him or Palin, it makes me want to eat my brain.

Anyway, I should actually go make sure these kids stay alive.

Let Love In

I think me and pandora are starting to be friends, again.


I actually had a completely different post that was almost finished and just hadn't been posted. Thought I would try to start it over, again... something about it didn't seem like it was sincere.


There have been a number of posts that I've written and never posted. Not sure what got me started on it, but I checked out some of the unpublished posts I had written. This one was from the beginning of July:


I  am in limbo now more than ever. 

It's hard for me to type this up and make it coherent. The thought exists in my head, but transferring it to the keyboard is more difficult than I was hoping. After starting and erasing this several times, let's hope I can make this one count. 

I don't know how to handle everything with the church and whatever. Give me a second, and let's see if this will make sense in the end. I've pretty much decided (which I know I've already mentioned) that there is an expiration date for my church membership. I'm not sad about that. But that seems like it should provoke some type of spiritual distancing from the Church, from the Gospel as it stands in the Church... and, while that was happening to me for a while, the opposite has started happening. I mean, I'm not actively pursuing the Church outside of regular church attendance, but callings, service opportunities, etc; keep finding their way into my life. I feel too bad to say "no," especially if it is the elders... since I remember how much of a pain it was sometimes to get the members to help out.

And so I find myself with no intentions of being actively active (if that makes any sense) in the church, yet in my state of indifference, the church pulls me back into it. 

It's limbo. I'm not making any sense, I know. I just want there to be definitive borders and boundaries and procedures and norms, unchanging resolutions, finality, something. If I quit going to church, there would be no more going back to BYU, so that really isn't an option. But I'd just like to continue in my active but separated state... and I don't know how... I can't go back--can't rekindle that spiritual feeling because it hurt so much to have it. The occasional stinging is a far cry from the initial wound of separating and redefining. To go back and face the intense pain, again, would drive me crazy.

I'm not sure really how to follow up on that. I don't feel depressed or frustrated or anything, but something about the post resonated (maybe 'cuz I wrote it) within me, so I felt like I should actually publish it.

Summer is coming to an end. Remember how that felt when we were in elementary school? I mean, I'm still not graduated... so the feeling remains, to a certain extent. But I remember walking down to the lake with my siblings. The water would be warm, but you could tell the days were getting shorter, and there was something in the air that made it start to smell like fall... riding around with the other neighborhood kids on the golf cart, seeing the sea of fireflies across the yards, feeling some sense of anticipation for new classes, new teachers, new faces, knowing that change was inevitably coming.

I liked those times. Memories of my freshman year, my mission...

I'm hoping that I can manage to work hard for something in my life without working so hard that it becomes the only thing I can remember...

Give me a couple months before you ask me how that's going ;)

Viva La Vida

I will be better about posting.

It was so hot for so long here. Now, it's actually turned back into the kind of summer I remember and love about being here. Granted, it is humid, but I've learned to appreciate it.

When I was little, I used to freak out in the heat. Seriously. My parents would have to open all of the car doors and let some of the heat out, turn the car on to get the air conditioner started, and I'd always be the last one in. Apparently someone missed the memo that I was supposed to be born into a family with millions and a chauffeur...

And then I was absolutely convinced that I was going to go somewhere cold on my mission--Vermont or Canada or Russia or something. Imagine my surprise, then, when I got called to the hottest place I've ever been to in my life. I'll never forget receiving a welcome letter from the mission president after I got my call. "The weather," it read, "is hot and humid during the spring, summer, and fall. It is warm and humid in the winter." Kinda funny, in hindsight... Three seasons of hell on earth. One season to fool you into stickin around...

the point being that now I have an iron will in the heat and humidity and find myself cold when the weather dips below 70.

Anyway, the guy from forever ago is pushing his way back into my life. I've gotta be honest--those feelings aren't there anymore. I tried to remember what it was like... convinced I couldn't feel any other way. I still care about him, but in a completely platonic way, you know? sounds stupid. I've already talked about this, though.

And me? my life has contracted to a 20-mile radius involving my family, work, and the occasional time with some friends from high school. It's nice. I still haven't changed my mind about looking elsewhere for a job, but it's kind of nice for me to be reminded that they'll always be here for me.

I mean, back to this guy... I know--I'm sorry. You can just skip to the end, but I'm not going to be able to do my point justice if I don't do a little explaining. It seemed like there were points in time where I just really needed to be reminded that I'm ok, you know? that everything's going to be ok. Not like my life revolves around intense drama and existential confusion, but in the randomness of life, I'm bound to run into a few bad days in a row, you know?

And during these times where I really just wanted someone to listen and let me know things were going to be ok, he wasn't there... or worse, he was there and aloof. Made me feel kinda shitty.

Don't get me wrong--I don't like to be babied. I'm hoping you understand what I'm getting at.

Anyway, I appreciate that things are different with my family. I know that there are people out there who would treat me just as well, too; I'm just glad that I have a whole family (nearly... but we won't get into that) of those people. They don't baby me or anything, but they listen, which is I guess what I appreciate the most.

It makes me feel safe. It makes me not afraid of bad days.

Well, that's enough of that. Sorry I disappeared. I'm hoping that something I say can serve some useful purpose in your life... sometimes, I feel like I vomit onto a keyboard and then send it off into cyberspace, you know?

Word vomit.

Mean Girls, anyone?

I'd go straight for Lindsey Lohan.

or Paris Hilton, for that matter...