Break Your Heart

The song's so dang catchy.

And did you watch Glee this week? 'Cuz I'm pretty sure I love that show. I'm not a giant Lady Gaga fan, but the episode was pretty sweet.

I feel like I should have something important to write on here, but I really don't. I'm in the process of trying to figure out where I want to work when I graduate. The good news is that I definitely will have a job in what I want to do... It was looking pretty questionable for a bit. Granted, the sucky economy didn't help very much; but, barring the current volatility due to the fact that Greece seems to move from the edge of destruction to a safe footing on an hourly basis, things are looking a lot better. But the volatility can also be a good thing if you can keep a cool head.

BUT you're not here 'cuz you want to learn economics. The point of the story is that I'm just trying to get in with the company with the best reputation. I just keep reminding myself that that's a lot better of a problem than I could have.

And what else? I got to spend some quality time with my siblings this past weekend. I forget how much I love them. I mean, I would love them no matter what, but I forget how much I like spending time with them. They're friends.

It reminds me that even if they did know I'm gay, it wouldn't really change anything with us. It really wouldn't change anything with any of my family. I can't begin to say how grateful I am for that. I've never had to face the fear of being thrown out and disowned, of having love conditional upon my ability to conform, to change what, at this point in my life, seems completely unchangeable. They will be here, they'll still love me, we'll still be friends.

I feel safe.

Never Ready To Leave

I've got this frustrating thing where I can't stop watching a show or movie without knowing what happens.

It's not that uncommon, I know. But seriously--have you ever watched 'Brothers and Sisters?' First of all, waaaaay too much drama. Seriously. It's like everyone's epic family fights all mashed into one family and lived out consecutively. It's a horrible mess. But (and this is just an example. I watched all of the first two seasons in a week and was caught all the way up to the present. I haven't watched it since and don't want to be hooked, again. This was a really long parenthetic comment) I couldn't stop myself from watching.

Or "The Riddle." Hands down the gayest (and not in the good way) movie I've ever seen in my entire life. If you ever get the chance, it might be worth it to watch it. It was so bad that it was almost impressive.

Or CSI or Bones or Law and Order--although these are good shows. So I've gotten into the habit of just finding out the name of the episode and looking up a summary on the internet. Or looking up summaries of the entire season. I can get the closure I want without investing an entire hour (or week) and then accidentally getting hooked on another episode before I muster the willpower to turn off the TV.

Where was I going with that? Oh yeah: I'm sad I just watched TV for three hours. I feel like my life has wasted away. On the bright side, I put in a solid six hours of studying, so I guess this day can't be chalked up as a complete loss.

I had plans to come out to my little sister. I'm glad I didn't. I've made this closet nice and homey, so why be in a rush? I should at least graduate. Since I'm not gettin' any sugar while I'm at school, there's no point in adding another unnecessary (albeit honest and barrier-shattering and humanizing) dimension to my life? But I was thinking about it. Maybe we've already talked about this?

I feel like my family sees me as the "good" kid, you know? I mean, not to say that I'm not good... but just not especially so, you know? And they make jokes about it and whatever, but they're kinda serious jokes. What am I getting at? I'd just like to ease 'em into it. Once I graduate, I will have my own job in a different city and be a separate person, and I think I will be more comfortable at that point. I dunno. It's kinda hard to explain.

I just don't want to experience all of that with the awkwardness of either living with them or being at school after having told them. I just wish they'd stop seeing me as the "good" one... not that I should be the "bad" one, either; but, hey, we've all got shit to get together, right?

Haven't Met You Yet

Nope, I haven't met you yet.

But if you come across this, and a ranch-style, pottery barn/restoration house and a kitchen full of Williams Sonoma's finest, along with me in a white towel rings a bell, we should probably meet soon... because we'll have to start saving for the next couple decades to actually get that stuff. I'm just looking for a decent, warm, comfortable place... not crazy ornate/ostentatious or whatever. And I love eating (and must cook to eat) more than most other things in life, which is why I could spend a life's savings at Williams Sonoma.

But that's not what I'm here to talk about. In fact, it's kinda funny I should start my post off like that. So maybe I should be clear: My parents are divorced. One makes a lot of money, and the other makes a very modest amount. The things that I value in a home can be present regardless of the amount of money being brought in or can be absent no matter how much money there is. I value warmth, safety, emotional nourishment (haha and physical... seriously, I love eating so much), which is why my wish-list starts there, although those companies do not have a monopoly on those core values.

Does that make sense? In short, I promise I'm not as materialistic as I'm coming off...

Screeching brakes, squealing tires, change of direction.

Because my dad just got back from a trip to Haiti. He was going through the pictures (so. many.) from the trip. This sounds super cliché or whatever, but as he was going through it, I was actually looking at what the quality of life was there. I mean, the earthquake certainly didn't help anything out, but these people had very little to begin with. I mean, when I was a kid, I built forts nicer than some of their houses. At the same time, they weren't wandering around, sad-faced and downtrodden because of the long list of things that they didn't have.

And me? I'm worrying about working for the company that is going to compensate me the best, taking for granted the fact that I will be hired by someone and won't have to worry about food, shelter--the necessities. Me and Haiti have a very different list of wants; granted, Haiti also has needs that should be filled. But, in the way of wants, checking off the things on that list would only lead to filling those blank spaces with a new set of wants.

The point? Maybe I should wait to check Pottery Barn and Williams Sonoma of the list because I'm afraid of what's going to take their places.

As for Haiti, I'm inspired by their capacity to adapt and find happiness, even in the bleakest of circumstances.

One Step at a Time (Blame it on the radio)

So I heard from the guy today. I don't know why, but I felt mad?

Is that weird? I'm trying to figure out why, exactly, I feel angry at him. I don't think it's him. I think it's the person that I was when I was with him. As it turns out, I kinda hated that person. That person depended on the guy to make him feel like he was valuable, that person let the guy get in his head. That person was tossed around by the guy's whims.

And, as I posted earlier and then realized that I didn't want to post (and, therefore, changed my mind and removed it), I remember being fearless. I remember establishing a self-worth and not being willing to compromise on it. Somehow, that attitude diminished, culminating in a relationship in which I became someone I hated. I didn't realize that I had never really confronted that person, changed him. And as I try, I find it funny that this guy finds his way back into my life.

I've gotta stop myself there. I make the guy out to be evil. He's not. I'm just pissed.

Let me put it this way. When I got my internship, I called my mom to tell her the news. When she picked up the phone, she started complaining for 10 minutes (I know: it was 2/3 my walk home from school) about whatever was going on. I seriously didn't say anything (except "uh huh") because I couldn't get a word in. I finally interrupted her and asked her if she wanted to know why I was calling.

Thing is, that's not an unusual occurrence. Granted, I have actual conversations with my dad and two of my three siblings, but I guess I got to thinking that maybe I didn't have anything to say that was worth listening to. I got kinda used to being around people that didn't want to listen to me, so it seemed like business as usual with the guy... haha, I guess making out wasn't business as usual, but everything else.

What I should have done was grow a fuckin pair and put up a fight. I used to. I used to fight a lot, and I think I got tired of it. This guy doesn't want to take an interest in my life? He wants to find someone to talk about himself to? Then go to hell, dude.

I'm not looking for someone that's going to ask non-stop questions and listen intently to my every word; but, as it turns out, I've actually got a thing or two to say, so shut the hell up once in a while and listen.

Annie

I was cleaning my room, and I found this written on a notecard and in my own handwriting. It was hidden in a place where it probably hasn't been seen since I wrote it. The quote is from Howard Thurman, I think:

"Do not ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive, and go do that, because what the world needs is people who have come alive."

All We Are

I felt suffocated here, briefly, by my parents. It was kind of funny because I was already regretting my decision to take an internship here, and I haven't even been home two weeks.

But a good night's sleep (with some strange dreams) and the fact that my dad's out of the country and my mom is working have helped a ton. I've got the day to myself to take care of a bunch of crap that I need to do, including renewing my almost-expired license. If I don't do it here in the next few days, I'm going to have to take the driving test, again. I already had to do that once (retake it, that is) in high school, and I failed it... haha... after like three years of driving, I failed it.

So yeah, not gonna take any chances.

I am glad (and will continue to be glad) that I took the internship here, not because I am going to love every second of being around my family, but because I know now that it's time for something new. This will give me the money to be flexible in where I want to go and the experience to at least be able to snag interviews with the companies that I want. This also kind of gives me the courage and motivation to branch out, to go other places, make connections, explore options. Like I said before, I'm kinda ready for an adventure.

Find a Way

I feel like I've been kinda drifting apart from my blog. There have been so many other things going on in my life that I haven't had time to blog. To be honest, it has been pretty nice. And everything in my life has been turning out surprisingly well.

First, I found out that I got a full-ride scholarship for next year. That was nice. I guess they awarded it to me a while back, but I didn't realize until this past week. I also got way good grades for school and have gotten a ton of career help from the people I've reached out to recently. 

My life has every reason to go badly right now, but everything has been excellent. On top of it all, it is officially springtime here, and that means being outside, bringing life back to my skin, the damp air and sweet thunderstorms, tulips and irises and daffodils (at least for a little while longer). 

I've also forced myself to stop counting down to anything. It's amazing how much more I enjoy my days and weeks and months (though this resolution has been too short to report anything past a month, really).

I woke up thinking about this kid (not in a bad way) I met at a Matis fireside--the only one I ever went to. I pretty much don't remember anyone that I met from that evening, but I remember this kid, for some reason. I think it was because he could see right through me to my extreme level of discomfort, and he really helped put me at ease (well, relatively speaking.) Wow, this is coming off differently than I intended. 

What I'm really trying to say is that I wonder how he's doing. If I could remember others, I'm sure I'd be wondering about them, too. There was just something about this kid that made me identify with him... which is retarded since I didn't even talk to him for that long. But you get that feeling, you know? Or maybe I'm just crazy. Sad thing about not saying any of this in person is that I don't get any immediate feedback from you.

Either way, I'm hoping that didn't come across as creepy. I'm not sure why I even typed it. 

But back to home. I'm glad to be here. I'm glad that, after all of that time I spent stressing and working and hoping, things have started working out. And in the grand scheme of things, I'm going to look back and wonder why I worried so much in the first place.

I also was thinking back to my mission. This post has turned out to be longer than I was expecting. At the beginning of my mission, I was what we called a "Nazi elder" in that I was anti anything that resembled something that could possibly be a minor infringement on an implication of a rule. I feel like it was some kind of manifestation of what I felt toward myself for being gay--denying anything fun and working myself (and my companion) to death because that was what I deserved. I was nice to my companions, but I'm still pretty sure that they wanted to kill me. As the mission went on, there was a point in time where I started loosening up, having more fun. I didn't go off the edge into apostasy, but I feel like I moved toward a healthier balance of work and play.

It was the point in time where I stopped hoarding the mistakes that I had made and, even worse, things about me that weren't mistakes: being gay.

This may be an abrupt end to the post, but I really have to go.