Feels Like Tonight

I don't know why, but I was thinking about my blog and what got me into the gay mormon world of blogging.

I remember that it was the spring/summer before my freshmen year at BYU. I had been a member of the church for a little over a year and had enjoyed almost a year of temptation-free bliss. How is that possible? Not sure, but it happened. And then the gay mormon thing hit me, again, like a cliché ton of bricks. I think at that point in my life, I became 100 percent sure that it was never going to go away, and it was super depressing.

So I googled "gay mormon" or something like that. I spent a long time combing through random sites that came up, and then I eventually came across gaymormon.blogspot.com or a blog along those lines. I spent a ton of time reading all of his previous posts--I identified with the guy. He had the temptations and was trying to do the right thing, was trying to live a gospel-centered life, avoid the slippery, "inevitable" slope.

I even e-mailed the guy. That was pretty weird. Someone actually knew that I was gay. My secret was out. I kept a little contact with him throughout my freshman year, and then (of course) lost contact when I left for my mission.

When I came back, he had "given up" and given in. This kid was supposed to succeed. He was supposed to be my proof that it was possible to live the "correct" life. I figured it must be impossible for me to fight the fight and win it.

And I was thinking about that tonight. I identified so closely with him that I felt like his "failure" was mine.

And then I realized that that isn't what I should have learned from this guy. I don't think I necessarily believe in moral relativity, but-

Let me start over. Situations can be categorized as "right" or "wrong" so easily when we have the ability to view them objectively. But the second we experience them, we learn and understand (albeit a very small amount of the iceberg, at times) the big picture. Then, "black" and "white" become just two small parts of the large gamut of shades of gray.

This is one of those times where my thoughts are kind of a mess.

It turns out that the guy taught me a lot--just not in the way I was expecting. He was brave for putting up a fight to be happy--not to please anyone but himself. He taught me that we should take risks, although we should understand the implications as fully as possible before the endeavor.

He also taught me that there is no absolute way to happiness. What worked for others did not work for him. What works for him may not work for me. From a staunch church standpoint, that sounds like apostasy--straight is the way, and narrow is the gate, right?

As I continue to try to place the Gospel more fully in my life, I realize that the shape I'm trying to fit it into has changed--a square block for a triangle hole, you know? So I guess I'm just trying to understand how the church fits in my life. We center our lives around the Gospel, I know, but I'm not to that point yet, and I'm trying to figure out how to get there... or if that's even where I want to end up.

Well, at least the thoughts are verbalized. I'm going to go to bed.