Africa (Karl Wolf cover)

It's even better than Toto's... if that isn't blasphemous to say.

So the kid from forever ago was in town this past weekend and called me up to hang out. And so what? we end up making out, and I don't even like him.

If you would've asked me six months ago, I would've said there was no way I was gonna get over him. But I did.

Life could be worse--I could've done something worse than that, but I'm just mad that I did it, mad that all I wanted was some action. It was stupid. I don't want to hear from him anymore. He's not here anymore, and I am nearly positive that we will not be in the same cities at the same time again.

I don't think I'd be mad at myself if it were something serious with someone I cared about. Another part of me felt like I've changed so much in the past (almost) year that something like that made me feel like I was in the exact same place, emotionally speaking.

Well, that's an unduly long post for a blog about a random make-out.

Breaking

I've got it-

I was sitting here, thinking... well, reading/thinking/procrastinating. And something, somewhere, catalyzed the thought process, the verbalization, the insight.

I think I may have more accurately pegged exactly what my frustration is with the Church. And I can't necessarily say it's the fault of the church, but it exists because of the church.

So I really would like to be more open with what I do for school, but I don't think I'm ready to have myself pegged in about the five seconds it would take you to find me. Suffice it to say that it's really competitive, and the fact that I'm a perfectionist makes matters worse because, quite frankly, we're supposed to have low curves.

But I'm digressing.

See, I'm living in this place and time where I'm super stressed because I have to perform well in order to have the kind of future where I'd be happy to get out of bed in the morning and go to work, a future where I could afford to adopt or have surrogate children, provide for my "alternative" family.

Digressing, again.

The thing is, whenever I'm super stressed out and feeling like I'm on the verge of some kind of breakdown, I try to fall back on the foundation of the church, to hold strong to its roots while the winds and rains assault, weaken, discourage.

I reach for the roots, clutch them and, simultaneously, feel the sinking in my heart that comes from knowing that I'm not "ok." And I see everyone around me embracing the church and following the carefully marked path and testifying of the strength it gives them through the hard times.

Maybe it does give me strength, but it's at the expense of feeling like a second-rate member, of knowing that there is something wrong with me, and not "wrong" in the traditional "go-break-the-addiction" sense. 

I like guys. And it sucks--way bad. I would love to be able to wake up in the morning and go throughout my day knowing that this is the place to start a family, to find a wife. Instead, I wander around wondering if I'm ever going to find someone like me and dating girls only to avoid making people think I'm gay.

I feel the pressure of life, and when the church is supposed to be there to strengthen and console, it reminds me that I don't fit the mold, that the well-paved path is not mine to travel. It turns its back on me until I can become something different, until I can assume a set of problems that can be fixed with a 10-step process. 

I'm making sweeping assumptions and generalizations, I know. And feel free to disagree with them. But the thing of it is that I truly do feel this way. Every week at church, I become increasingly aware that I do not fit in. I socialize well and have friends in the ward and everything, but the internal turmoil, the cognitive dissonance create swirling conflict beneath the glassy surface.

I can't expect that the church condone being gay, but I'd really like to turn to it in the hard times and feel like I'm ok... not become increasingly aware of reasons why I don't measure up. I'd like to think that I'm a pretty strong person, but at times, I just need consolation and understanding... and not finding it in the church.

And that's my frustration. a gay mormon. give me time, and I'll prove to you guys that there really is more to my life than this. But you are my singular outlet.

Holiday from Real

He's not. I just gotta get it out of my head. People can be so confusing, can give such mixed signals... and I definitely don't exclude myself from that.

"Signals are like nuts: mixed is better." If you know what the quote is from, we can be best friends.

I've got to take the energy and direct it towards something that's going to get me somewhere. Thing is, I'm going to end up at a time and place where I've got everything I want... except a connection. But this isn't the place to do it. But I'm also completely certain that I'm not into the gay scene, so where/when? It's the beginning of a cliché movie plot with the almost-cliché ssa twist.

It's my response: turn away from the emotion and throw myself into something else. If I work hard enough, I'll forget that I felt it. If I work hard enough, I'll accomplish something along the way that fills the gap temporarily, at least.

This post sounds more depressing than I feel. I guess I'm just kinda frustrated with myself. I'm frustrated for letting me get to this point without realizing--it happened so gradually.

Whatever. I'll be fine. I just have to talk myself through it, you know? I'm going to go throw myself into some school stuff and then go to bed--things seem to look better in the daylight.

Feels Like Tonight

I don't know why, but I was thinking about my blog and what got me into the gay mormon world of blogging.

I remember that it was the spring/summer before my freshmen year at BYU. I had been a member of the church for a little over a year and had enjoyed almost a year of temptation-free bliss. How is that possible? Not sure, but it happened. And then the gay mormon thing hit me, again, like a cliché ton of bricks. I think at that point in my life, I became 100 percent sure that it was never going to go away, and it was super depressing.

So I googled "gay mormon" or something like that. I spent a long time combing through random sites that came up, and then I eventually came across gaymormon.blogspot.com or a blog along those lines. I spent a ton of time reading all of his previous posts--I identified with the guy. He had the temptations and was trying to do the right thing, was trying to live a gospel-centered life, avoid the slippery, "inevitable" slope.

I even e-mailed the guy. That was pretty weird. Someone actually knew that I was gay. My secret was out. I kept a little contact with him throughout my freshman year, and then (of course) lost contact when I left for my mission.

When I came back, he had "given up" and given in. This kid was supposed to succeed. He was supposed to be my proof that it was possible to live the "correct" life. I figured it must be impossible for me to fight the fight and win it.

And I was thinking about that tonight. I identified so closely with him that I felt like his "failure" was mine.

And then I realized that that isn't what I should have learned from this guy. I don't think I necessarily believe in moral relativity, but-

Let me start over. Situations can be categorized as "right" or "wrong" so easily when we have the ability to view them objectively. But the second we experience them, we learn and understand (albeit a very small amount of the iceberg, at times) the big picture. Then, "black" and "white" become just two small parts of the large gamut of shades of gray.

This is one of those times where my thoughts are kind of a mess.

It turns out that the guy taught me a lot--just not in the way I was expecting. He was brave for putting up a fight to be happy--not to please anyone but himself. He taught me that we should take risks, although we should understand the implications as fully as possible before the endeavor.

He also taught me that there is no absolute way to happiness. What worked for others did not work for him. What works for him may not work for me. From a staunch church standpoint, that sounds like apostasy--straight is the way, and narrow is the gate, right?

As I continue to try to place the Gospel more fully in my life, I realize that the shape I'm trying to fit it into has changed--a square block for a triangle hole, you know? So I guess I'm just trying to understand how the church fits in my life. We center our lives around the Gospel, I know, but I'm not to that point yet, and I'm trying to figure out how to get there... or if that's even where I want to end up.

Well, at least the thoughts are verbalized. I'm going to go to bed.

Use Somebody

We've got four and a half weeks left of school, and I'm so freaking excited. First of all, I'll be done with these classes, some of which have been causing a large and unnecessary amount of stress. I'm still a perfectionist, and I hate the thought of losing points, and some of the classes are designed to have really low averages...

But I'm also excited for school to finish so that I can actually start working and have money. This may sound pathetic, but the last legit job that I remember working was during my junior year of high school. I worked at a grocery store for about 8 months. After that, I had an internship through my senior year, but it was 15 hours a week and only paid minimum wage, which was $5.15 an hour. Freshman year, no job. Mission, home, sophomore, junior year--no job, either. So yeah, needless to say, I'm miraculously poor.

The internship pays a lot, though. And I'll have enough to pay back all of my student loans, pay for my last few semesters of school, and have enough to get by for a while after graduation, if needed. I just won't be paying back my student loans yet. I know we aren't supposed to go into debt or whatever, but they're subsidized loans, so I'm not paying interest or having it accrue. In fact, with inflation lowering my debt-service ratio and the possibility of living in an area with a high cost of living and, as a result, higher salary, it's actually more expensive for me to pay off the loans sooner than six months after graduation--the time when the payments start kicking in.

What else?

I was reading another kid's blog, and he was talking about how when something bad happens, he feels like God is punishing him. I am the exact same way, and I guess it is kind of retarded. I feel like it, first of all, removes my sense of control over a situation. If it's God punishing me, than I have to accept the punishment and live with it, you know? But that's not how it's supposed to work, I think.

When something bad happens, it lies within our power to either fix it or make the situation better... whether or not we want to admit it. I don't know why I've been so stupid.

Anyway, I slipped up. Pisses me off because I'd like to be able to just do everything right the first time around. So I pretty much wander around, waiting for my punishment. Once the "punishment" arrives, I just take it, live with it, don't do anything to fix it.

I don't know if God really is vindictive, but it doesn't mesh with the idea of God that we've been taught in church. Vindictive or not (and I'm really going with not, but humor me), my agency still exists. I act on the situations; although their occurrence may be outside my power, I decide what to make of them, and that power has and always will exist in me.

Having said that, I don't think God is looking to "ding" me at every mistake I make. I may, through my agency, forgo potential blessings, but I don't think He's looking for ways to punish me. Maybe that's misguided, but I don't know how else to think of it.

Home

Well, the good news is that I have a future.

I have an internship--a substantial one. It's at home, too, which is nice. My parents are under the impression that I'm going to use it to get an offer out of the firm to stay at home and work after I graduate. Don't tell them, but I think I'm going to try to leverage it for a better job in a new place. Like I said before, the weather in Cali was pretty sweet...

But what am I getting at? This is the tricky part, and I hate the fact that I have to write this and the fact that it is pretty much (in my eyes) a self-fulfilling prophecy. I don't know. Maybe it isn't... maybe my life just has the unluckiest timing in the world. But maybe not. Maybe He's trying to show me that He's here and blessing me.

The thing is, I've been keeping my life in order. I've been making a sincere and successful effort to do the right thing, to live the Gospel. And, concurrently, my future becomes a million times brighter, better. I don't know how to explain it, but not getting an internship for the summer was the equivalent of not getting a job when I graduate because no internship equals no experience... equals no job offer, equals doing something for the rest of my life that I wouldn't really want to do.

I'd like to believe that it was all me that got myself the job, but I can't. And try as I may, I can't stop recognizing His hand, His blessings. And the whole continues to tear... I continue to try to reconcile the unreconcilable, or to choose between two halves while feeling that I'll never be able to make a whole out of either.

But now, the weight of the next five years of my life has been lifted from my shoulders. The Pottery Barn ranch house comes within reach, although it may only have room for one...

Damn it.

I guess this is what I should be doing, though, if I'm going to be at school here. I need to do the right thing for the sake of my integrity. It'd be so much easier if He left me alone, if He gave up. Deep down, I'm so grateful He hasn't

Work

You ever have one of those days where you could cry for gratitude?

I'm such a dumbass, but He's so patient.

Polaris

I love how I feel really tired, lie down, and suddenly can't turn my brain off. In fact, it keeps moving faster. So I have to jump on here and vomit up the thoughts I apparently can't stop thinking so that I can go to bed.

I'm moving my life in a direction I want, finally. I mean, I'm still gay, I'm still going to be gay, and chances of having a straight relationship are pretty much dead, but I'm bringing my life under control... I know I've already said it, but gay or straight, I have an idea of the person I want to become, and I'm just happy that I'm starting to move myself in a direction that'll help me become that person.

I don't know. I guess I feel a little more in control of my future--I mean the external stuff. I can and will make what I want with my life, but the external stuff is more uncertain, scarier. At the same time, I guess I've successfully faced uncertainty thus far, so I shouldn't worry.

Check that off my list of thoughts.

Next is rooming. I love my roommates like family, but two of them do not clean up after themselves. I feel like me and the other guy are constantly cleaning up their messes. I'd just like to live with people that picked up after themselves. Granted, you can't be spotless all the time, but there's just no excuse past a certain point.

Next, I need to stop being so nice to girls I'm not interested in.

Next, I'm still hoping that I get an internship. If I don't, I've got a backup plan, but I don't want to use it. My life will be constantly stressful until I find out about this and can move on with my life. If I can get an internship, I can get a job. If I can get a job, I can get a one-story house and decorate it with Pottery Barn and Restoration.

The fact that I feel so stressed made me think back to my mission when I was also feeling super stressed. I was just called to be a zone leader. We received an e-mail with how our zone ranked among other zones in regards to all of the key indicators. The week after I stepped into that position, our rankings DIED. Like seriously. Like we went from first place to last. I would lie awake at night and wonder what was going on, wonder if God was punishing me for being gay, even though I wasn't doing anything wrong at all. I spent almost a year as a zone leader and dreaded the majority of my time spent doing it. I pretty much begged the mission president to let me be a normal missionary for the last little bit of my mission. I'm amazed my body put up with it.

This past school year has felt the same. I have been in a continual state of stress and can't see an end in sight. I just need resolution, time to regroup, some certainty.

I guess I'll get what I need, in the end. I'm just hoping that what I want actually turns out to be what I need.

This post kinda went nowhere, but thanks. I feel like I can go to bed and actually fall asleep.