To Clarify

This song that I'm in love with--"All I need"--it's by Mat Kearney...

That might be helpful should you find a different song under that title and wonder what the hell I'm thinking...

All I Need

This song makes me feel something--longing? Or comfort? Like something that reaches deep within and rearranges... neither creating nor destroying.

Damn you, Pandora. It's just adding to the mood. I want to be indifferent, cold, immovable. He was in the area today, so he visited--the missionary. What the hell, TC?! And why are you doing this, missionary. You left, and I thought I was free. You called. You called, again; and I prayed that it would just go away. Then you show up on the doorstep. And no matter how far I've been removed for how long, it tugs and pulls and tears off that scab I've so carefully constructed. There's something about you--I can't even tell if it's an actual physical attraction or that I just want to be where you are.

And you're not. Really. I mean, it may sound to you (the reader) like he is or could be, but you'd have to be there. It isn't a possibility. It's not a possibility.

But man, just when I think I'm strong, it shakes me to the core. I just need to remind myself that it will go away, eventually... that I'll learn to see this as what it is: a friend.

And someday, I will find someone who does the exact same thing to me as this kid does... except I'll do the same to him. It'll happen- I know it will. And it'll feel right, it'll feel comfortable.

Missionary, I'm grateful for you. I wish I didn't feel this way--really, truly wish I didn't feel this way. And you've forced me to learn and to change. You claw at the corners of my heart, though I try to cover, to hide, to harden then. And through the pain, I am reminded that I am human- that no matter how high, how long, how deep the stony wall may be, it will only ever be a feeble and failed attempt to guard the emotions that humble and humanize, that bind my soul to my body, that paint broad strokes of deep blues and purples across our landscape.

I need a change of songs. Scratch that--I need to go to bed.

You Found Me

Where were you when everything was falling apart? When all my days were spent by the telephone? It never rang, and all I needed was a call. It never came to the corner of First and Amistad.


Lost and insecure. You found me, you found me. Lying on the floor, surrounded, surrounded. Why'd you have to wait. Where were you? Where were you? Just a little late. You found me. You found me.


I like it. It's how I feel.

Against my better judgment, I'm on the internet when I should be sleeping. It's hard to feel really bad about it when I know tomorrow's Friday, but still...

Dear persistent guy:

I'm not sure how to handle this. I'm a lot more observant than I let on to, more careful than I'd like to admit... You're way more into this than me, and I don't know what to do about it. I don't know what I want, so it puts me in an interesting position. I don't know how to handle you--I don't know how to handle someone who is interested in me? It makes me nervous- why? Why do you feel this way about me?

And why don't I feel the same way for you? But I guess that's how it works sometimes...

What am I trying to get at? Maybe another one to save and not to post.

It's hard not to be suspicious when someone is interested in me. Like I've said before, you wouldn't have to put a paper bag over my head or something if we were hooking up, and I'm not schizo or something... I just feel ordinary, unassuming. And that's ok with me. In fact, I prefer it. As it turns out, attention makes me queasy.

So why? and I feel your expectations. I am destined to let you down in that regard.

This isn't supposed to be a downer for me or you, it's just that I am destined not to meet your expectations; and the higher they are, the more I pull away. I'm secretly terrified of disappointing people.

But let's say some nice things about me! First, I have a pretty damn good sense of humor. Well, good/offensive. Second, I am tall (but more on the average side), dark (except in the winter), and passably handsome. Third, I have a pretty good memory. Fourth, I'm a good cook. Fifth, my teeth are white, and I've got some pretty decent abs. Sixth, (and most importantly!) I'm humble.

Haha.

I saw one of my friends who I haven't seen in about six years. In some ways, it was really nice. In others, I didn't want to be there... I don't know why? I guess because I was afraid of it being awkward--we have the history, you know? But six years is a long time.

Also, I realized that the blinds on the window in my bathroom actually weren't obscuring your view of me... noticed that the fact that I could see clearly outside when I got out of the shower this morning meant that you could see me clearly from the street. Hope you enjoyed the show :).

Oh Come, Oh Come, Emmanuel

Yes, it is time for Christmas music. I probably mentioned this before, but my mom has enough Christmas music to rival most radio stations. My favorite is Manheim Steamroller... especially the one that starts with "Hark! The Herald Trumpets Sing," as I think it is the one we heard the most when I was little.

When I was little, we always set the tree up in the sitting room. There was a fireplace on one end and the Christmas tree on the other. At night, I used to go downstairs, turn the tree lights on, and lie under the tree. I was obviously a lot smaller than I am now :). The lights always felt warm and safe... There was something about sitting underneath the warm, bright tree while the moon lit up the snow-covered ground outside... Everything was quiet, peaceful.

After my parents divorced, things didn't feel that way for a long time. I know it was because the old traditions were over, no matter how hard we tried to recreate them. But after some stumbling, I think we were able to create new traditions. Now, despite our weird hybrid-family situation, I've noticed those feelings returning.

Anyway, today was a good after-Thanksgiving. For one, I have a new mac. Thank goodness. I'd like to think I'm not an Apple snob. It really was in a price range that I can justify. Also, it's hard not to buy a computer that looks so good, you know?

I mean, throw up two computers in the same price range and with comparable specs, and I'm gonna go with looks. This little guy is pretty darn good-looking. I've got to think of a name for him.

What else can I tell you? Everyone I know and love around me is getting a pretty bad flu bug. I'm hoping it doesn't happen to me. I've been washing my hands and not touching my face, so that's a good start... It's just a really inconvenient time to get sick.

And I'm poor again. As much as I'd like to think I can throw money around for a new computer and not feel the effects, it's a lie!

Dang it. I feel like I've just rambled the whole time. I'd like to give you something that'll make it worth your time to read this post... I've got nothin. Sorry. I'm really tired, though.

Night.

If I Die Young

Bury me in sun. Lay me down in a bed of roses.

You should probably listen to this song.

Have you ever been riding on a merry-go-round that's spinning really fast? And you try to focus on the images as they blur past you, but you can only capture a moment of clarity before it reverts back to blurry?

That's like my brain. I was staring at this report at work the other day, and I almost started crying out of frustration. I couldn't focus on it--I couldn't find the willpower or something. It just kept blurring past me.

I had pretty bad ADD when I was little. My mom told me that when she'd rearrange the furniture in a room (when I was like four, mind you), I'd run around in circles in the room for 10 or 20 minutes, trying to take it in. Always got in trouble in school, too. My mom was a special ed teacher, so she helped me learn how to cope with it. I just learned to do everything as fast as I could--held my breath sometimes and just did as much as I could for as long as I could hold my breath. My teachers in elementary school had extra work that they would give me after I finished the normal stuff.

But yeah, I find a 10- or 20-minute period where I can focus, and I just do as much as I possibly can... Testing is a little trickier, but I speed through those, too. And it works ok--it means I miss some questions sometimes, but life goes on. Thank goodness for a good memory, as I think that helps balance everything out. Also, I can like hyper-focus on certain things, so I've been lucky in classes that relate to those subjects.

As it turns out, this coping method doesn't work at work... that missing a few details here and there can be really expensive. Either I need to find a different profession, or I need to find a way to take care of this. I'm gonna go get tested, learn about different ways to cope.

The persistent guy texted me the other day:

"you don't wanna talk to me anymore? things seem different..."

Me: Dammit. These always come at the wrong time for me. We're seriously going to have this conversation while I'm at work? I don't know what the hell I want, and now I have to find some way to verbalize feelings I'm not entirely sure I understand in the first place? Maybe I should just break it off right now? But this is a nice kid... But it is also not very good timing for me to be in any kind of relationship... but when will the timing be good... "No dude. I'm just kinda confused right now. I mean, I don't know really where to go from here--BYU's not the ideal place to be in a relationship, and I don't want to be outed or kicked out of school or something. So, to answer your question, I do still want to talk to you, but I'm just trying to figure out where we go from here."

Him: "Well, I'll leave the ball in your court."

Well, I'm trying to figure out what kind of ball this is and what kind of court we're in... or what planet I'm on, for that matter. Leaving the ball with me would be a little bit easier if I understood if this was the beginnings of a friendship or relationship or the end of something... But for heaven's sake, let's define the ball before going and leaving it with me in whatever the hell kind of court I'm in. I don't even know what game we're playing!

So here's to ambiguity in all of its glory, as it seems to bless my life in excessive quantities...

And here's to ADD in all of it's glory. How else would I be able to finish tests so quickly?

And lastly, I cooked with black truffle oil for the first time. This may be a staple in your cupboard, so bear with me, but it was pretty dang good. Marinated NY strip steak in red wine, garlic, crushed pepper, etc; slapped it on the grill, then finished it off with some truffle oil and served it with herbed wheat berries. Don't wanna toot my own horn too much, but that was pretty dang good.

Stay With You

The persistent guy is back in a big way. Maybe bigger than I'd like... Trying to slow him down. Granted, we haven't (want won't be able to for a couple months) met up, but I get nervous every time I feel like change is coming. This is just awkward, because how do you explain to your friends the fact that there is suddenly another guy there, too? Have I mentioned I am a miraculously bad liar?

And I feel bad for the guy because I go through these swings of "yeah, I like this guy" to "what the hell am I doing? I should really just stay single."

Anyways, I've got a couple months to really come to a decision.

Also, I signed up for classes for next semester. That should be interesting. I'm getting to the point where graduation really is within reach, and I'm a little scared. Still not really sure I'll ever be employed, and I don't think I'll believe it until I actually have a job.

Kinda a letdown--I got on here with full intentions of writing something, and this is all you get.

I've been sleepwalking a little lately. Nothing extreme, but I'll wake up in the morning naked (?) with clothes folded and in a pile or with more clothing than I went to bed with... or stuff will be in different places in the morning. Thought I was going crazy, but my dad told me I used to sleepwalk a lot when I was little.

It only really happens if I'm super stressed, which I've kind of been lately. I just have to remember to keep my life in perspective. The worst-case scenario never seems to be so bad once you push your imagination to that limit... it becomes "known" to you, and knowing seems to help the stress and fear dissipate.

Here's to waking up with the exact same clothing I went to bed in.

Lovers in Japan

On rare occasions, I won't skip Coldplay on my Pandora station. Their songs sound mysteriously similar, though. Like "Clocks" and "Speed of Sound"... anyone? I was actually listening to "Clocks" when I crashed my car and had a sweet near-death experience, so it kinda does the opposite of relax me now.

In other news, I have finally put a shirt on for the day... and put my contacts in, too. This is the life.

I sometimes write stuff on here that I don't actually post, and I was reading through one of those unposted entries just now. I'm grateful that I can come here and dump the contents of my brain onto the webpage. Not sure if getting it out in the sunlight helps it wither and die, but it definitely helps.

Remember the persistent kid? He's back. Always catches me in a weak spot. Nothing can happen from the long distance, though.

This kid is so nice. First of all, I can actually have a conversation with him that doesn't revolve around him... unlike the original guy. Second, he doesn't push. Third, I don't think I've had someone actually beat me to paying for dinner, but it was kinda a nice feeling. Thought it would be emasculating, you know? Haha, but I guess I probably shouldn't even worry about that. And it isn't.

And so I started thinking the other day about how I don't necessarily believe I deserve this guy... which  made me wonder why... which made me wonder if I'm using relationships as a way to punish myself for being this way? Which made me really confused and a little worried, so I stopped thinking about it altogether.

Thing is, I think I do deserve someone nice- someone who'd be as willing to sacrifice for me as I'd be for them. I deserve someone who brings out the best in me, who doesn't make me feel like I have to try to be good enough.

Not like I've made plans to elope in a gay-marriage state with the kid or anything. I just appreciate the fact that every other text I get doesn't make me feel like I need to do something to make myself better. I appreciate that interacting with him helped understand this a little better.

That'll do for today.