Taking Chances

The song is super gay, I know, but what can you do?

I realized that it's been almost two weeks since I've posted on here. It's hard to explain my life as of right now. I've also been thinking that I feel like I say the same things in a different order, you know? I don't want to be a static character. I am not, in fact. This one part of my life hasn't changed that much, but there is a lot of other stuff going on. I just can't really go into detail about a lot of it because you could pretty much find me in a couple minutes if I did.

I'm lying in bed, though, and I can't go to sleep. Maybe it has something to do with the two hour nap I took today. I was on the floor in the sun. It was amazing. I felt warm, happy. I woke up an hour later, moved to the couch, and slept for another hour. Seeing as how I got four hours of sleep Thursday night and five last night, it was kind of nice to take a little nap. I haven't, therefore, been running... I don't really have anyone to impress, though, so what for? Except for the fact that I really love the quiet and time to think. I'll be able to hit the trails pretty soon. I tried running up the canyon last week... I was exactly 4.5 miles from the car when it started blizzarding on me. I got back to the car and found that snow had literally drifted, half-melted and frozen on my head. That probably explains the weird looks I was getting.

I also went out with some friends from freshmen year. One of the girls in the group had this intense infatuation with me... it was kind of weird. Anyway, turns out it really hasn't changed, so I'm trying to do everything I can to establish "friend" status.

What else? I got my car battery replaced for free, thank goodness. I feel like I get so lucky with so much crap. Maybe 'lucky' isn't the right word. I also made and consumed a quart of creme fraiche. Yeah... granted, I didn't eat it all at once, but still... the nice thing is that it doesn't separate when you cook it like sour cream does. It kind of has a similar flavor as sour cream, but a little softer. It makes good potatoes au gratin, great scrambled eggs, sweetens for a dessert sauce, soup base... remember when I used to have a six-pack? They're barely hanging in there. I should probably stop eating for a little while.

The recipe, in case you're wondering, is a cup of cream (not ultra-pasteurized, though) and a tablespoon of buttermilk. Let it set on the counter for about 24 hours and then refrigerate.

I have a special love for eating.

My chasing dreams have stopped, too. I feel kind of relieved. I think that I know why I was having them--have I already talked about this? I think it had to do with the stress of being gay and trying to pretend like everything was fine when it wasn't. I've had a break from that feeling for a bit. I doubt it'll be permanent, so I don't want to act like it will be, but whatever the timeframe, I'm grateful for the respite.

How did I get here? How did I end up sitting in my bed in a bedroom in an apartment south of BYU at 1:15 in the morning?

It was barely spring--one of those days where the cold breaks and the sun comes out, where you climb into your car and find that the sun has warmed it almost to the point of rolling down the windows. I was sitting in the passenger's seat, and my little sister was in the back seat. It was my dad's car, and we were just getting out of his church and waiting for him. "I think I want to join the church--Mom's church," I said.

The papers, the court order, the counseling, the manipulation, the permission, the discussions, the reading, the spirit, the commitment, the blessings, the day I realized I wouldn't be auditioning for Juilliard because I wanted to serve a mission, the ACT, the application, a stress-free senior year, an amazing freshmen year in every way except academically speaking, the call--I remember staring at it as it sat, unopened, on my desk. I remember the anxiety, the tears as I hugged my sisters and mom good-bye, the relief when I met my MTC companion, the stress of never being alone, the excitement of learning a new language, of teaching the Gospel, the heat and humidity of the mission, the sun, the tan, the food, the companions, the leadership, the flight home.

I remember getting home and realizing that I was still very gay. I remember feeling so discouraged. I remember sophomore year and my desire to find someone, to relate. My first boyfriend, our break-up, my career-path change. Somehow, it all lead to this. Somehow, I ended up sitting here, writing this post. This is exactly where I should be...

And as crazy, confusing, frustrating, stressful, uncertain as my life seems to be, every once in a while, the fog lifts, and the sunlight cuts through the clouds, illuminating, warming. I don't know what to make of it. God has every reason in the world to punish me, to revoke blessings, to stop His ears, close His eyes. He doesn't.

Chase This Light

I started this post a couple of days ago. I was writing about how stressed I felt, how I was having trouble enjoying anything. Worries about internships and jobs and the fact that I don't have anything worked out yet have been keeping me up at night.

I feel better, though. No matter what happens, life is going to go on. The worst-case scenario is still manageable. So what should I tell you about?

I'm doing better. We learn about cognitive dissonance and our coping mechanisms regarding it. I guess I'm not quick to feel like my situation is out of my control, it feels like it has pretty significant consequences... needless to say, I haven't been able to minimize the cognitive dissonance.

But I've been doing better. Who can say whether this decision is temporary (and how temporary, for that matter) or permanent, but I can't be here at school and pursue anything but a Gospel-centered life. You've already heard this, I know. In my heart of hearts, I don't feel like living a gay life would fill me with darkness and evil. In fact, I think loving and being loved are some of the brightest, most beautiful things we can do. I just can't pursue that right now.

I have no idea how I ended up here. It's funny because the second I knew I wasn't auditioning for any schools, I knew I would go here, and I knew what my major would be. Being gay had little influence on any of that. At the time, I was so close to the Gospel that I didn't really think about it. In fact, I didn't really have to deal with any attraction or temptation. I still didn't like girls (haha), but none of it mattered to me.

So I took my ACT, scored well, and had it sent to the Y. All-state of my senior year was really the last time I'd be competing. I got second chair to a girl that I had beaten the past four years of my life. In my audition, (I hope I haven't told you this story) I was playing my music, and then I started glancing at the judge and noticed that he was very bald. Then, I started thinking about how I hoped I didn't go bald when I got older. Then, I tried to think of any males that I am related to that still have their hair. Then, I realized that I was still playing. I looked down at my music and made a mistake. That was it. Second.

I don't know why I'm telling you this story. I'm a recovering perfectionist, so at the time, I was pretty devastated, but life went on. In the end, it didn't matter at all. No one cares what chairs I got in all-state. No one really even cares that I made it four years. These things that I felt like I defined myself by just melted away, time softened their sharp edges so that I no longer cut myself when I handle them. They are smooth, pleasant, rounded.

Maybe this will be like that--all of this. Maybe I will wake up 10 years from now and laugh at the fact that I was so worried about my future. Maybe I'll wake up and wonder why I worried so much about being gay.

I guess my life could use a little perspective. I seem to worry about the less-important things too often.

Well, that's the end of my story.

Take Cover

Here I am, again. I really have a million other things that I need to do, but I guess that I need to just let my brain dump out some of the swirling thoughts I'm trying to sort out.

There's this girl that I'd like to ask out. Thing is, I'm gay... uhhhh... so that doesn't work too well. And then I start having flashbacks to the awkward time where I started dating that girl, and the closer we got, the farther away I wanted to be... leading to the awkward time where I actually told her I was gay. She's the first real-life person that I've come out to. Anyway, I'd kinda like to keep it on the down-low, and I don't know if asking this girl out is going to lead to an awkward and uncomfortable breakup in which I divulge way too much information about me.

I think I'll take her out once and see if it dies after that. It might be a good thing. I'm at the point where I'd seem like a jackass if I didn't... and it's not like we're going to be getting married or anything by going out on a date. So I guess there's nothing to discuss--I'll do it. It's been a little while, anyways, and I don't want my roommates to suspect something haha.

What else is there to tell you about? I'm becoming increasingly poor. I need to have a job this summer... an internship would be ideal... I'm seriously considering selling my plasma--an act of desperation for me. Maybe I could be a hooker... or a stripper... or a drug dealer... so I guess selling plasma isn't my last option. I just realized that I'm kind of over being dependent on my parents. I'm really grateful that they pay for my stuff, but I'm really too old to be a parasite.

Oooooooooooook... My attempt at posting a pointless blog has been a smashing success.

Watcha Say?

I guess it was inevitable that I blog to this song... I hear it enough...

You may be saying to yourself, "Self, this is a random time for someone to blog and post..." to which I say, "agreed."

But I've been laying here for the past two hours and have not been able to sleep, and it seems like the best way to make my head shut up is to get the thoughts out onto paper... uh, computer... so here I am.

It's been a while, I think. Life has been crazy busy, uncertain, fulfilling, frustrating. I feel like maybe blogging doesn't have the same place in my life that it has held in the past. More than likely, the feeling is temporary. I like that I can get out the things that I want to get out on here. I like that I have an outlet for the gay crap that I try to deal with. But, por lo pronto, I'm not really needing the outlet as much.

Having said that...

I met up with the guy a couple of days ago. It was funny because I got around him and realized that I don't feel an attraction to him. I know! This is coming from the kid that has believed he was destined to be eternally head over heels for this guy. I really thought I was. Part of it was how everything broke off. But I think I made it so far and well without the connection that I don't really need it. And the kid is so dang hard to read. So that was a surprise. It would take a lot for me to rekindle those feelings, I think... a lot of changes that I don't believe are going to happen.

And I'm kind of relieved.

And then the other weird part. I'm so sorry for starting all of my sentences with coordinating conjunctions. It bothers me, but it's too late for me to make a conscious effort to avoid it.

So yeah, weird part... and maybe this seems cliche or whatever

But I was reading my scriptures last night, and I came across the "free to choose liberty and eternal life/captivity and death" scripture in 2 Ne 2. I realized that I don't want to succumb to the inevitable in my life. If I decide I'm going to be gay, I'm not "giving up," I'm making a conscious decision to live that life and accept the consequences (be they good or bad) as my own. Also, gay or straight, I have a million other attributes that I can work on in my life. I don't know how to explain it. I just feel like I was giving in because I was too tired to fight. I just kinda let life happen to me and stopped feeling like I had control. It isn't the case. I'm not saying I'm magically turning straight because I'm pretty damn sure I'm gayer than Christmas, but living a gay life is not a form of surrender. My life is my own, and I am free to choose, to live, and to accept the consequences of my actions.

Wow, I don't make any sense.

No Air

I had a weird flashback to my mission yesterday. The flashback wasn't weird, but the fact that I had one was.

How did I do it? How did I make it two years of my life without any problems--with really minimal temptation, without doing anything stupid? I wasn't continuously happy, either... I felt way super stressed at times, discouraged at others, overwhelmed at others... I felt everything that I now use as an excuse for being weak, but I wasn't weak back then.

Honestly, I think it was the fact that I felt like my actions had a very real impact on the difference I could make in peoples' lives, and I was terrified of compromising that, of lacking the ability to help them accept the Gospel. In short, I believed my actions had a very real and immediate effect on the people I was trying to help.

And now, I only seeing these actions affecting myself...

But the flashback:

It was in one of my favorite areas in my mission. The area was super hard, so it's hard for me to understand why I liked it so much, but I honestly loved it.

I remember it being scorching hot and humid. I remember walking and knocking and contacting and just having nothing to really show for it. I remember salt stains on my ties from sweating so much. It would always cool down a little (very little) at night, and once or twice a week, we would go visit these recent converts who lived out in the middle of nowhere. The wife made this amazing salsa that was almost pure habanero. I remember sweat pouring off of my face even worse than working in the heat of the day. I also remember the feeling of the breeze coming through their window. I remember how simple but amazing the food was that they made--they'd always feed us dinner when we came over. And I remember going back home and feeling like I had an excellent day.

No matter what, I remember going home and feeling like I had an excellent day, like I was doing what I was supposed to...

I was smiling when I snapped out of it. It was so hard, so hot, so long... but all of the bad stuff dulled with time.

And now? I've got all of my time to do exactly what I want, I have heating and air conditioning, a car, friends, free time (albeit a small amount)... and I can't shake the feeling that life is tough.

It's not. I know I've got it a lot better off than so many others.

I use the "difficult" times to justify myself when, in fact, I lack strength, the trust, the faith to commit, to let the bad dull with time, to look back at this time in my life and smile for the person I was.

It's not the "gay" stuff, either. Honestly, I'm tired of caring about that. It's more basic than that.

I want to come home and feel like I had an excellent day--I want that feeling, again.

Thank goodness we can change.

Alone

Man, I love glee...

I've been pretty crazy busy lately. I feel like I'm barely making it from deadline to deadline. In fact, I probably shouldn't even be blogging right now, but I've kinda been missing it... so here I am...

And not really that many stories to share. I had this nightmare the other night that a scorpion was chasing me. It was pretty weird, but scorpions are pretty dang freaky, so I woke up flailing... that never happens. I was also dead tired for the rest of the day.

Anyway, I'm hoping that things slow down a little bit after this week. I stretched myself too thin, and I should've seen it coming. I could use a break. The nice thing is that I really don't have time to think too much about anything else in my life besides meeting deadlines. It has been good to be distracted.

What else? I had a really good day at church on Sunday. Being there heightens the cognitive dissonance, even when I'm not doing anything wrong. But I kind of like it--it makes me aware of things that I want to change... ones that I can change, at least. In all honesty, I had kinda given up on the "church" thing. I was just planning to go through the motions and stick it out until I'm finished with school. Now, I'm not so sure.

It makes me wonder how my life would be right now if I were attending school somewhere else. Would I still go to church at all? I don't see myself being a man-whore or anything. I guess it doesn't do much good to wonder because the fact is that I'm here and that I'm better off staying here. If I transferred, I wouldn't get a job doing what I wanted. That would make me unhappy for a long time 'cuz once you miss the boat, it doesn't come back. I guess that's the main reason I stay here. I'm pretty sure I already wrote it, but I looked at transferring last year. I just couldn't find another school ranked as well without having some pretty big changes in curriculum... and no guarantees that I'd ever even be accepted.

But since I'm stuck here, I've been attending church. I never dislike it, but I actually enjoyed and appreciated it this past Sunday. There are so many great people here, too, that I'd be sad if I left.

Anyway, I've got reports and papers and conference calls and applications and textbooks and unforgiving deadlines, so I'm going to go do something.

Are You There?

Wow, so that was a crazy break that I had there.

No school on Monday... that was excellent. So I had extra time to get all of the homework done that I had to do... Oh wait- no, I went on a road trip with my friends.

In fact, I did about 10 minutes of homework the entire vacation. But it was excellent. I went cross-country skiing for the first time in my life. I can sure run 15 miles ok, but put me on cross-country skis, and 3 miles was about all I wanted to do. The part where I ate it a few times didn't help the cause. It was a good workout, though--I could feel it.

I actually had a lot of fun. It's kinda hard to explain, but I didn't feel like I was "different" or whatever. It didn't even seem to matter. I have good friends.

And then, there was the part where the guy got back in contact with me. It's hard not to feel some of those old feelings reemerging, but part of me is angry at him, and part of me doesn't want to lean on or share my life with him. Does that sound weird? And part of me wants him back in my life...

I just want to know what he wants from me. I don't have a problem keeping in contact with him, but I also want to keep my distance. I don't want to get attached, again, and then be hurt... again... and at a time when I really need to have my shit together, I can't risk letting everything fall apart like it did this past summer. I literally ran home. I remember hearing from him and then deciding that I had to get away. It was finals, thank goodness, so I just crammed for the day and took them both. I can't do that this time.

Ok, that's enough.

I'm going to try to let this go. It just dug up all of those feelings. I mean, I already knew I had feelings for him still, but it's hard to describe the difference it made when he got back in contact with me. I've got to let these feelings go.

I've got stuff to do, stars to coax