End of All Time (Stars of Track and Field)

My family is gone today--phew. Gotta be honest: I love my parents and everything, but I need some alone time every once in a while. Being home has made me realize that if I ever did live close to home, I'd need to live outside of my parents' houses.

But I'm pretty sure I won't be sticking around here for a little while. It would be a nice place to come back to, but I want to go somewhere new... prove to myself that I can do it.

In other news, I'm hopelessly googly-eyed by a missionary... right? One-way ticket straight to hell, I say. (A) He's not gay; (B) he's a genuinely good person; (C) even if he were gay, where would we go from there? He's a missionary. I wish I could just turn off the attraction sometimes. I just try to keep running through those thoughts whenever that thought crosses my mind. Having been a missionary (and a gay one, at that), I can say that what I really wanted was to do what I was called to do to the best extent that I could. In spite of the raging hormones, I wouldn't have ever wanted to compromise that blessing. What am I trying to say? Even if this was the result of aligning stars and fates and threads, it couldn't happen.

Ok, I feel better. I'm eating a bowl of chickpeas and curry right now... I'm not sure why I love Indian food so much, but I do. I go through my Indian spices faster than the Mexican ones, which I didn't think was possible.

This song is actually pretty excellent. It helped calm me down a little bit, there.

You really don't need to read this post. I don't know if it's my time of the month or what, but I just need to get this stuff off of my chest.

You remember how I used to say I felt about the guy? As a side note, I need to think of a different nickname for him. Anyway, I liked him a lot. He liked me, too. Granted, the relationship (and I use the term loosely) was a little messed up--self-loathing and frustration mixed with attraction and concern created some kind of an emotional whiplash for us, and as much as I like to point out his crap, I was definitely not without blame.

But to make a long story short, something about being with the guy made me feel like everything was ok... it made me painfully aware of the fact that our relationship was not ok in its time and place. I like to be aware of risks and obstacles before jumping into something, but in spite of the impassable mountain of obstacles and potential consequences, I felt like everything was going to be fine... I felt like all I needed was the person sitting next to me. More than that, I felt ok about myself. I don't wander around feeling like an outcast, but there was something reaffirming about being with him.

Was it love?

I don't know. Honestly, the farther I get from that time, the more I become convinced that it was infatuation. The older I get, the more convinced I am that I've never actually been in love.

Whatever it was, I find myself wishing sometimes that I hadn't experienced it. Before that, the whole idea of finding someone seemed entirely impossible, unreasonable. It wasn't something I hoped for or looked for--just something I considered a dream, at best... a star shining from an unreachable corner of space.

But to find someone that makes you come alive, to find someone that makes you feel safe, important... it awakens something that will never go back to sleep. And as much as I try to convince myself that it is something I don't need or want, as much as I try to throw myself into whatever projects I can to make myself forget, the feeling remains. The dream has materialized, has become a reality... I've reached up and plucked the star from the sky and can't find the will to return and abandon it. I may miss the naïveté of it, but there is no way to go back.

I should embrace the uncertainty of it all, I know. Life has this really excellent way of forcing us through awkward doors, of bestowing perspectives we may initially not want... but perspectives we eventually treasure.

Well, that will definitely do for today. Guess I've had a lot to say. Again, you definitely get some mad brownie points for sticking it out this far. I can't even begin to tell you how nice it is outside, and I think I should go enjoy it.

Later.

Run Away With Me (ugh)

I had some meaningful things to get on here and talk about, but I can only remember one at the moment... maybe the other will come to me as I type.

I watched 'Stardust' today. Haha. The only other time I watched it was in Spanish... as good as my Spanish may be (read: may have been at the time), it is still hard to follow the colloquialisms, you know? Anyway, it was a lot more meaningful in English. And it made me feel sappy, which is sad. I want a star to fall out of the sky--what the hell? And, for that matter, I want a developed plot line and the uncertainty of how I get to the end but an assurance that I remember exactly what the end looks like and that I will get there because I've already seen it... just in a different language. I'm not even gonna try to fix that sentence. I'm tired.

Which got me to thinking about another idea I was seriously considering earlier this week. I was staring at my computer screen at work, and then I remembered being in the French countryside... riding my bike to the baker in the morning to pick up baguette... the stone fence surrounding the house... the chateaux along the Charente (I think?)... the narrow, stone roads... the abandoned monastery...

I want to be a baker in France... or Switzerland... The problem is that I don't speak French or German. So maybe Spain? But then how would the mechanics of it all work to get me out there, you know? I mean, there's getting the plane tickets, getting out there and having enough money to either start renting an apartment or live in a youth hostel, getting a job, getting on my feet enough to support myself, getting the paperwork to have the ability to legally work there. I would be an apprentice to a baker--waking up early in the morning, seeing the immediate benefit of my product to its consumers... I really wouldn't have much money at all, but life would be sincere and grounded, quiet and unimpressive but fulfilling. The whole thing would be an adventure.

And spending my life in the countryside of some (Spanish-speaking) European town would inevitably set my life on a course for lifelong joy and happiness, fulfilled dreams...

right...

The funny thing is that I'm captivated by the idea. It is completely unrealistic. Captivating.

Too many daydreams. What about the ranch-style house on the East coast? The white towel and the early morning?

On a happier note, I totally called the market. Lucky? Maybe. I could get tens of millions for that. Maybe I'll shoot for a few good calls and then go apprentice a baker...

Or maybe I'll keep telling myself that for a handful of decades before I die.

Hoping and Leaping--what did I tell you? But I'm not ready to take some of those leaps.

(Untitled)

Just have to say that 'Family Guy' is on tv. Even if the world as I know it is coming to an end, 'Family Guy' can make it all better.

Heartbreak World

It's so hard to post regularly without my own computer...

That's my excuse, and I'm stickin to it.

It's amazing how fast time goes by when you get in a routine. I can't believe that school was out for four months. I can't believe that the holidays really aren't that far away. It seems like we could get so much stuff done in a day when we were little kids. The summer felt like a year--each school year was separated by a huge chasm. And now? Now life seems to kind of blend together.

But it isn't a bad thing. Getting older has meant having the world shrink a bit, being exposed to different people and cultures and countries.

Anyway, I'm not really feeling that trip down nostalgic lane. I do have a funny story, though. You know how you "help" little kids pray by whispering what to say? We were at dinner the other day, and my sister was helping my niece (who is three) pray. "We're grateful for this food..."

Niece: "We're grateful for this food..."

Sister: "Please bless it-"

Niece: "Please bless it THAT IT CAN FLY!"

Hahahahaha. I couldn't stop laughing. She was so excited about flying food. Unfortunately, that prayer wasn't answered. I think it was from seeing Harry Potter.

And what else? I realized the other day that I need to relax about the whole getting out of shape thing. I use the phrase very loosely, as it means that I'm going from skinny/toned to mostly skinny but still kinda toned. Wanting to be in shape is not a problem, but sometimes I catch myself thinking that it's the only way that anyone is ever going to be interested in me. There is more to me than that. Granted, it's important to take care of your body and everything, but I need to get over unrealistic expectations.

I should try to get fat just to get myself over my looks. The problem is that I've made sincere efforts to do so in the past. The best I did was gain 20 lbs of muscle--not too shabby, right? I still wasn't fat... and then it all atrophied because I could not afford to eat that much when I was away at school.

Holy crap. You do not want to hear about that, I'm guessing.

Last thing--I met this girl through one of my friends at school. The three of us kinda talked and stuff... whatever. Anyways, he called me up the other day and was like, "Dude, this girl is way into you. She asked me what she had to do to help you be interested in her?"

How am I supposed to handle that? She was way cool--don't get me wrong. But it makes a super awkward situation because I'm not interested for a lot of reasons I don't want to explain to him... and then I have to try to act like I'm interested or flattered or something. I dunno. Or my the daughter of one of my mom's friends--my mom is like, "She's cute and tall..." And then I met her, and her voice sounded exactly like Violet's (that's her name, right?) in "The Incredibles." I wanted to jam a chopstick in my ear.

AND THEN, my home teachers wanted to set me up with their niece.

Holy hell, people! Give it a rest! I apparently can't date gay people (who I have a LOT better chance of being attracted to), so stepping outside of my gender of interest is probably too much of a stretch.

I just need to be single and reserved until I can take decisive actions without giving someone emotional whiplash. Granted, I think I'm doomed to be confusing and confused, fregado y fregando jaja--I just remembered that; but at least I can arrive at a time and place where the whiplash will be minimal, non-fatal... just the kind where you wake up the next morning with a stiff neck and maybe go to the chiropractor once or twice to get taken care of.

This blog is a horrible mess. You're the best for putting up with me. Don't worry--you're getting a generous amount of brownie points for reading this crap. And I'm not easy with my brownie points, so count yourself lucky.

Good Life

I'm kinda starting to like OneRepublic.

I'm watching my niece and nephew with my mom right now. It makes me realize that I really would like a family of my own, but it also makes me wonder if I'm cut out to be a dad?

Sometimes, I really value quiet, alone time. Mornings, for example--I'm really confused when I wake up and end up getting mad (no matter how hard I try) if I get talked to too much. After I've showered and had a little time to remember who I am and what I'm doing, I'm good to go. But waking up to a crying baby or screaming kids?

But it is also one of the most meaningful and beautiful things we can do.

Yes, I will have a family. I'll find someone who can put up with me for the rest of our lives, and then we'll navigate the minefield of parenthood together, hoping and praying we can stumble through raising kids who love themselves and those around them.

Speaking of loving other people...

I think Glenn Beck may be the spawn of satan, or satan incarnate. I read in the news about his rally to reclaim the civil rights movement on the anniversary of the "I have a dream" speech.

What the hell? Is this guy for real? Every time I hear something about him or Palin, it makes me want to eat my brain.

Anyway, I should actually go make sure these kids stay alive.

Let Love In

I think me and pandora are starting to be friends, again.


I actually had a completely different post that was almost finished and just hadn't been posted. Thought I would try to start it over, again... something about it didn't seem like it was sincere.


There have been a number of posts that I've written and never posted. Not sure what got me started on it, but I checked out some of the unpublished posts I had written. This one was from the beginning of July:


I  am in limbo now more than ever. 

It's hard for me to type this up and make it coherent. The thought exists in my head, but transferring it to the keyboard is more difficult than I was hoping. After starting and erasing this several times, let's hope I can make this one count. 

I don't know how to handle everything with the church and whatever. Give me a second, and let's see if this will make sense in the end. I've pretty much decided (which I know I've already mentioned) that there is an expiration date for my church membership. I'm not sad about that. But that seems like it should provoke some type of spiritual distancing from the Church, from the Gospel as it stands in the Church... and, while that was happening to me for a while, the opposite has started happening. I mean, I'm not actively pursuing the Church outside of regular church attendance, but callings, service opportunities, etc; keep finding their way into my life. I feel too bad to say "no," especially if it is the elders... since I remember how much of a pain it was sometimes to get the members to help out.

And so I find myself with no intentions of being actively active (if that makes any sense) in the church, yet in my state of indifference, the church pulls me back into it. 

It's limbo. I'm not making any sense, I know. I just want there to be definitive borders and boundaries and procedures and norms, unchanging resolutions, finality, something. If I quit going to church, there would be no more going back to BYU, so that really isn't an option. But I'd just like to continue in my active but separated state... and I don't know how... I can't go back--can't rekindle that spiritual feeling because it hurt so much to have it. The occasional stinging is a far cry from the initial wound of separating and redefining. To go back and face the intense pain, again, would drive me crazy.

I'm not sure really how to follow up on that. I don't feel depressed or frustrated or anything, but something about the post resonated (maybe 'cuz I wrote it) within me, so I felt like I should actually publish it.

Summer is coming to an end. Remember how that felt when we were in elementary school? I mean, I'm still not graduated... so the feeling remains, to a certain extent. But I remember walking down to the lake with my siblings. The water would be warm, but you could tell the days were getting shorter, and there was something in the air that made it start to smell like fall... riding around with the other neighborhood kids on the golf cart, seeing the sea of fireflies across the yards, feeling some sense of anticipation for new classes, new teachers, new faces, knowing that change was inevitably coming.

I liked those times. Memories of my freshman year, my mission...

I'm hoping that I can manage to work hard for something in my life without working so hard that it becomes the only thing I can remember...

Give me a couple months before you ask me how that's going ;)

Viva La Vida

I will be better about posting.

It was so hot for so long here. Now, it's actually turned back into the kind of summer I remember and love about being here. Granted, it is humid, but I've learned to appreciate it.

When I was little, I used to freak out in the heat. Seriously. My parents would have to open all of the car doors and let some of the heat out, turn the car on to get the air conditioner started, and I'd always be the last one in. Apparently someone missed the memo that I was supposed to be born into a family with millions and a chauffeur...

And then I was absolutely convinced that I was going to go somewhere cold on my mission--Vermont or Canada or Russia or something. Imagine my surprise, then, when I got called to the hottest place I've ever been to in my life. I'll never forget receiving a welcome letter from the mission president after I got my call. "The weather," it read, "is hot and humid during the spring, summer, and fall. It is warm and humid in the winter." Kinda funny, in hindsight... Three seasons of hell on earth. One season to fool you into stickin around...

the point being that now I have an iron will in the heat and humidity and find myself cold when the weather dips below 70.

Anyway, the guy from forever ago is pushing his way back into my life. I've gotta be honest--those feelings aren't there anymore. I tried to remember what it was like... convinced I couldn't feel any other way. I still care about him, but in a completely platonic way, you know? sounds stupid. I've already talked about this, though.

And me? my life has contracted to a 20-mile radius involving my family, work, and the occasional time with some friends from high school. It's nice. I still haven't changed my mind about looking elsewhere for a job, but it's kind of nice for me to be reminded that they'll always be here for me.

I mean, back to this guy... I know--I'm sorry. You can just skip to the end, but I'm not going to be able to do my point justice if I don't do a little explaining. It seemed like there were points in time where I just really needed to be reminded that I'm ok, you know? that everything's going to be ok. Not like my life revolves around intense drama and existential confusion, but in the randomness of life, I'm bound to run into a few bad days in a row, you know?

And during these times where I really just wanted someone to listen and let me know things were going to be ok, he wasn't there... or worse, he was there and aloof. Made me feel kinda shitty.

Don't get me wrong--I don't like to be babied. I'm hoping you understand what I'm getting at.

Anyway, I appreciate that things are different with my family. I know that there are people out there who would treat me just as well, too; I'm just glad that I have a whole family (nearly... but we won't get into that) of those people. They don't baby me or anything, but they listen, which is I guess what I appreciate the most.

It makes me feel safe. It makes me not afraid of bad days.

Well, that's enough of that. Sorry I disappeared. I'm hoping that something I say can serve some useful purpose in your life... sometimes, I feel like I vomit onto a keyboard and then send it off into cyberspace, you know?

Word vomit.

Mean Girls, anyone?

I'd go straight for Lindsey Lohan.

or Paris Hilton, for that matter...