Crashin'

We hung out for a little bit, again, today.

No physical contact. Dang it-- this is killing me. Well, I guess it is preferable to having no contact at all... but man, I wanted to kiss him... still do. I'll keep it under control. 

Anyway, it's ok because the semester is coming to an end, and none too late, too. Holy crap, I have no desire to do anything at all anymore. I have an assignment due tonight that I haven't even started yet. I'm just tired of studying. If I can make it to the end of this week, life should be pretty dang good. Regardless, I'm going home in just a week, and that makes me really excited. I'm excited to see my family and spend some time with them before I have to come back for stupid spring semester.

It was sunny today, too. I can maybe start to get tan, again. I somehow manage to tan more up in the mountains... started to think something was up freshman year when people were asking me if I was mexican. I can also get rid of my farmer's tan since I don't have to be constantly wearing a shirt and tie. 

Anyway, I feel like my life is getting back under control. Yeah, I still like that guy a lot, but I feel a little more balanced. So I guess that means I'm not going to transfer... thank goodness 'cuz I'm not sure where I'd go. As confusing and frustrating as my life can seem, and for all of the conflicting goals and desires that I have, it all somehow seems to work out ok... I've got a lot to be grateful for in my life. I don't think I'm a special circumstance in that regard-- I just think it has to do with attitude.

A Day Late

Ok. Life is going to be ok.

We went out for lunch. It was fine-- a little awkward, but I guess that should be expected, considering the circumstances. No physical contact. Well, I accidentally touched his finger, but it wasn't long enough to arouse either of us haha. I feel better, at least, knowing that he isn't going to fall off the face of the earth. At the same time, it is kind of weird trying to figure out where to go from here. I mean, not kissing, no physical contact. I understand and think that it has to be like that to keep us from doing something that he is going to seriously regret.

I don't really feel like I'd regret it. Does that sound bad? I mean, I have decided to let go of a little control over my life... or maybe take a little control back? Either way, I've decided not to sweat it. It doesn't remove accountability or anything like that, I'm just suspending the guilt until I've decided what it is that I truly want. A life in the Gospel would have to bring a certain amount (though not like I've done anything horrible) of repentance. But in order to commit myself to the Gospel, I (personally) have to try the other side.

It's asking for trouble, I know. I just can't beat myself up over it anymore. Like I said before, I can't handle the emotional masochism. I have to be ok with myself no matter what that entails. Granted, I feel like I have the ability to control and direct my life, but I can't commit myself to a straight, Gospel life until every part of me is committed to that. Until then, I'm just going to be halfway in it. 

To allow myself to do that requires a certain amount of independence-- it's kind of weird. I mean, independence in a different way. I don't like the fact that it means I have to be willing to separate (however temporarily it may be) from the Gospel... that kind of independence. In a really good way, I've learned to depend on the Lord for everything that I need. My desire to do good has qualified me for the blessings... would this put an end to that? Well, I guess I don't need to cross that bridge until I get to it.

This is way too confusing. Why do I let it consume my life? Elder Uchtdorf gave a really good talk about focusing on one little thing in our life and how it can cause a complete disaster for our entire life. I'm shifting my focus. But I guess it is really important to fulfill this need that I have... maybe I can try to find a healthier way to do that. Or maybe I can just find someone to make out with randomly, though I doubt it'd be the same.

The Thief

Excellent.

He has said fewer than 10 words to me since our mishap on Monday. It's killing me. I'm guessing I'm probably not going to hear much from him anymore.

If that's the case, I'm back to square one, again. I hope I'm not. I hope to hear from him, though I think I've learned my lesson and will keep it platonic. 

Well, I suppose I have to get myself back to "platonic" before I can maintain it there. But like I said before, if anything, I thought of him as a friend. Then, there was the emotional/physical kind of thing that complicated it, but when it came down to it, I liked spending time with him. 

Why does this have to be so painful? Feeling like this makes me want to leave the church. I looked at transfer schools last night. It's hard because this is one of the top business schools in the nation, but the program doesn't match up easily with other high-ranking business schools. To stay here would be giving me a lot more opportunities in life. At the same time, I feel like I'm dying spiritually. What is wrong with me? 

Getting out of here would let me figure out what I want in life. If I left, I'd have a lot greater chance of living a gay life, but part of me feels like I need to explore it to know what it is like. But I guess that's because I don't have the faith to trust the Lord when He says that the Gospel is going to provide the most peace and happiness in life. 

I feel so crappy. Any day now this feeling is going to go away-- I'm sure it will. I just hope it is soon because it really hurts.

I'm so tired of feeling guilty. I'm so tired of feeling torn between two ways of life. The "gay mormon" thing is not working out.

He was in my dreams last night. Things were back to normal-- nothing sexual besides kissing. It was just nice that everything was like it was before Tuesday afternoon happened. Then, I woke up. I don't cry, but I wanted to. It was one of those mean tricks my mind played on me. Anyway, I'll continue apologizing to him in my mind. Maybe it takes a couple thousand times before the hurt goes away.

This is not a Win-Win situation...

For the first time in a long time, the title isn't the song I'm listening to.

I've apologized over and over to him in my head. I catch myself saying it every time I think about what happened. Maybe I'm blowing it out of proportion. Maybe it isn't that big of a deal. But I don't like the fact that I made someone else's life more difficult. I was selfish. 

I was thinking about this whole thing, though. I need to recognize that it isn't a win-win situation. Part of me has to lose out. Part of me has to feel, at least initially, a twinge of regret for not being able to live the life that it wants me to live. I guess that I'm afraid of living with that regret, but it is going to come with whatever decision I make. The thing is, though, that I can imagine myself in situations where that regret would eventually disappear. The absolute best-case situation would be a married life with kids. I'm afraid I wouldn't be able to achieve that, but it is a possibility. I would have the occasional twinge of regret for not being able to satisfy whatever attraction it is I feel toward guys, but I could see that regret diminishing over time. The next one, in my opinion, would be a stable, monogamous, homosexual relationship. I would feel regret for not being able to live the Gospel, but I would still have stability and family which are important to me. The least-desired situation would be celibate, alone. I've already ruled that out as an option. It may sound awful, but I'm not willing to live my life alone.

Anyway, I need to make a choice so that I don't end up hurting someone else with my indecisiveness. That I'm uncertain about what I want in my life is ok, but hurting other people in the process of trying to understand what to do is not.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry for keeping him from what he really wants in life. I'm sorry for taking what could have and should have been healthy and edifying and turning it into something to satisfy my selfish appetites. I'm sorry for not feeling personal guilt-- that my guilt is only because of the hurt I cause to someone else. I'm sorry I can't make up my mind and have, in the process of these gyrations, hurt other people in ways I either didn't initially understand or else just didn't care about.

Before I ever decided to act on any of this, I thought being a gay mormon was relatively straightforward-- no pun intended. I figured my decisions/choices and their consequences centered on me... I never realized how far-reaching the consequences could be.

I Will Follow You into the Dark

I can deal with the consequences of my own actions. I can't deal with causing consequences for someone else. We basically went too far. Nothing to confess or whatever, but it came so close to beings something against the church that I feel like I might as well have done it. Or maybe I just have a warped idea of what "right" really is and have already gone too far. I'm sorry for what I did-- sorry for making him do something that we both knew he'd regret. I don't regret it... I don't know why. I guess I have a different threshold or am just less sensitive to right and wrong.

But I don't feel good right now. I feel like I let God down, the church, myself. I feel like I'm in a place that I don't want to be or that I wasn't ready to be in.

I don't know what to think. I feel more and more friction between this and the Gospel-- these two lives. I'm not sure what to do. I mean, in one way, I feel fulfilled but only when we aren't doing something that goes too far. 

What do I do? How am I supposed to live my life?

The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return... You should know where that line comes from. In fact, if you haven't seen the movie, watch it because it is really good. Anyway, that's what I want. I don't care how stupid it sounds. I guess that desire transcends all barriers and expectations I place on myself. It influences my decisions more completely than any other factor in life. Why do I feel like I'm starved for it? Why do I feel like I'm constantly striving to fix and compensate for my shortcomings and flaws? I get so tired of it that I guess it gets to a point where I just want someone who is ok with the person that I am. That's a tall order and one that I can't expect to be fulfilled in all the ways that I wish. So I guess I continue living half of a life-- a quarter gay, a quarter LDS. I'm looking for my other half-- whoever he/she is haha. But I guess that in order to find them, I have to be in agreement with myself on the kind of person I am. I don't want to be a gay mormon. I want to be gay OR mormon. I want to live one life or the other and have the balls and the commitment to be content with the choices that I've made and the consequences that I face as a result. 

Anyway, I guess that's where this guy got me-- I felt like he just liked me for me. As hard as it was to talk myself into it, I succeeded. But now I see that it isn't what he wants in his life. I can't feel anything but understanding and I feel bad that I pulled him away from what he wants.

I can't let what I want in my life overshadow what someone else wants for their life. And I'm saying this without even being sure what kind of life I want for myself. That girl-- she is the same way as he is. I feel like she actually likes me for who I am in spite of the fact that she's out of my league, but I'm scared that it is going to get to a point where I can't take it any further. She deserves more-- she deserves better. He deserves more and better, too. 

I can't figure out, for the life of me, what I deserve. Not much since it seems like I manage to mess around with other peoples' lives too much. How is it possible to explore yourself without affecting other people? I certainly haven't figured that out yet. 

I went to that gay mormon fireside last night. There were a bunch of guys there in my same situation. It was a relief, and it made me realize how much I wanted to live in the gospel. Spiritual gyrations-- that's all I feel. Maybe that's what has deadened my sense of right and wrong. I've gone back and forth so much that I can't keep anything straight... haha... uh, guess that wasn't supposed to be a joke, but I thought it was funny. But I felt the Spirit there-- I felt the same way I felt when I first joined the church. I had a talk with myself about the things that I had done and the kind of person that I was along with the kind of person I was looking to become. At that time in my life, I had the balls to make the decision and go into it with everything I had. The Lord blessed me. Then, I was a retard and screwed it up. And here I am, wishing I had done so many things differently in my life. Since that isn't an option, I guess I press on. It may sound stupid (and obvious), but I guess I'm going to be having these spiritual gyrations until I stop straddling the gay/mormon path and decide. One fourth of me has to lose out in order to provide me with any sense of wholeness, I guess. The sad thing is that it is only up to me. No one else can make that decision for me.

This is the Countdown

Something seemed kind of weird after last Monday. Well, starting tuesday, I mean. It took me a long time to talk myself into believing that he actually liked me. Now I'm starting not to believe it, again.

Why? I don't know. I guess I'm really sensitive to change-- when something is a little different from before. I mean, the way he talks to me and the fact that he doesn't talk to me as much anymore or say the stuff he used to. We also haven't done anything since that day. I mean, we've been together but not in situations to mess around or whatever. 

How should I feel?

I guess I just want to know what happened. Part of me thinks I'm overreacting, and part of me thinks that that other part is just wishing I were. I want to talk to him about it, but I hate being dramatic, and I'm worried that maybe it has just been a weird past week. 

And, again, a lot of it has to do with me. I guess I get attached pretty quick. Well, I do it with reason-- this is a really weird thing to be dealing with, and it feels so different and nice to be open with someone about it and be accepted in spite of it, so it hurts when you suddenly feel like you've been dropped. And then there's the fact that I have a hard time believing that anyone would like me to begin with. I guess I can't help but keep picking out my shortcomings. 

I guess this could be more of my fault, then. If it's my fault that he stopped liking me, I guess I'd like to know what I did so that I can try not to make the same mistakes. 

Dang it. This hurts. I hate that it hurts so much. I hate that my happiness depends so much on someone else. I wish I knew how to fix it.

Look After You

Ok, my pandora station is starting to play a lot of the same songs over, so I'm starting to get a little worried that these titles are going to start repeating themselves.

Things here have been pretty much the same. I'm still head-over-heels for this guy and trying, at the same time, not to be slaughtered by my classes. The semester is almost over which means that all of my teachers decide that they should put all of their big, important projects and tests at the same time. I'm almost there. If I can make it to the end of this week, I think my life should be ok. 

It's kind of funny how the semester didn't turn out quite like I expected. I mean, on one hand, I have the worst grade (which really isn't that bad) in the class that I thought would be the easiest. My hardest class is going to be one of my best grades... probably because I responded by slacking off in the easy one and actually applying myself in the hard class. Too bad I can't just apply myself to all of my classes... but I also need a life.

The semester also turned out a little unexpected because I never thought I'd be messing around with a guy. In fact, I never really thought I'd find someone here that was like me. It's funny because he turned out to be exactly the kind of person I was hoping to meet-- normal, sane, good-looking, sense of humor. 

I guess it has given me a chance to learn a little more about myself. The problem is that there is all of this data that has been input, and now I'm trying to process it. I'm trying to figure out what it means. He leaves at the beginning of June. I haven't figured out what I'm going to do after that. I don't think I'm going to try to find someone else around here. I don't really think I would, anyway.

I've realized that I'm pretty clingy. It kind of annoys me. I mean, I've dated girls that have been like that, and it drives me insane. I need time alone from them, you know? Not that I didn't like them (and give me a break-- I never said I wasn't confused by my sexuality), it was just that I needed time to spend on myself. Hopefully that doesn't sound selfish. Anyway, I see myself doing the same thing to this guy that those girls did to me. The thing is that I think it kind of revolves around the fact that I'm not exactly secure about myself.

Retarded, I know.

The other thing is that I'm not sure what to think about our situation. I shouldn't overanalyze it-- I'm turning into a freaking girl. It's just that I'm not sure if we're dating or friends or what? I guess I kind of think of it as dating, but I'm trying not to turn crazy, you know? So when he says he saw someone he met up with before, it makes me kind of jealous even thought I know I shouldn't act that way. And then I feel better when he says he didn't do anything.

I'm sorry. You really get the worst of it. I just have to verbalize these thoughts, and then they all go away.

I guess that, to make a long story short, no matter what this situation is classified as, he is, at the very least, a really good friend. The making out and messing around adds a different dimension to it, for me, but I shouldn't worry about it. I should just enjoy it, right?

I just really never expected this situation to turn out like this. I never expected someone to see something in me and like me in return?

It feels good.