Big Casino

Gotta get the neurotic post off the top of my blog.

My niece is with me at my dad's house today. First, she is dang cute. Second, I'm amazed at how much she notices and understands. She just turned three a couple of weeks ago, but she talks a ton. Anyway, I was sitting at the table, eating lunch with her, and she looks at me and says, "uncle TC? thanks for being so nice."

Hahaha. She knows how to butter me up, I guess.

Anyway, everything looks better in the daylight, and I really do have a lot that I have to get done. I can get at least a couple of hours of studying in quick while she's sleeping. And I'll be getting a new car soon... and a job... as of right now, I feel like I'm 14, again, with no car or permit.

Boston

I'm trying to decide if I want to publish this or not. I'm going to type it up to get it out of my head and quit being retarded.

You know that way you are with your guy friends? Or maybe just friends in general... I dunno... Anyways, there's this friend of mine that is super, super nice--like actually pays attention to what I say and remembers what is happening in my life and asks how tests and stuff are going... like more than my parents or siblings or anyone else, he remembers what's happening and takes an interest in it... you can see where this is going.

I am trying so friggin hard not to fall for the kid because I am positive that he is straight. It shouldn't matter because school is out, but it wasn't too soon for me to feel some kind of attachment. Now I'm just trying to talk myself down from my craziness.

Just enjoy people--I've thought a lot about that advice. And I'm trying hard not to fall, not to fall for this kid and end up being/doing something retarded for something that could never work. And I'd never wish it on this kid, either; so I can't feel sad that he's not. And I'm nowhere near him, anyways.

It's so stupid.

Anyway, I'm back home now. The more I come home, the more I realize that I'm ready to be on my own. Going to school out in Provo was an adventure. It was far away from my family, none of them had ever done it, I didn't know anyone else out there. It was kind of empowering to be there, to prove to myself that I could do it. I'm ready to experience that, again.

I actually feel a lot better. Thanks

Breakeven

I guess I didn't really feel ready to leave Provo.

I guess Provo didn't really feel ready for me to leave.

I guess my car didn't really feel like living.

What can I say? I've had enough near-death experiences to last me for a little while. I remember being at the Stake Patriarch's house a few months after I had joined the Church. "You will be protected by guardian angels," it went. My stomach dropped. Well, ok--something's up, 'cuz I keep getting close to death without ever quite making it.

All I can say is "thanks." I was realizing that I really wasn't ready to stop living, you know? Funny how I've felt indifferently. Don't get me wrong--I've never been suicidal or anything, but I just kinda felt like if I die, I die, you know?

It's funny how you can change your mind so quickly.

So thanks.

It Comes and Goes (In Waves)

I don't think I've ever studied this much for finals. I also haven't been doing spectacularly. A lot of them have large written portions, so it's hard to know for sure. I guess I was kind of used to last semester where it was all stuff that came pretty naturally.

But this, man. I work my butt off just to keep ahead of the curve, and I don't know how well I'm pulling it off.

Whatever. Is that what I really got on here to talk about?

I'm leaving Provo in less than a week. I guess I was just kinda thinking back to last year around this time. I was having all of that crap with the guy and the girl and not knowing what the heck to do with my life. Then, I retreated--seriously. I've been thinking about how this year has been different. I was thinking how this exit will be different for me. I'm actually leaving to go make something of my future, not to nurse my wounds.

Where is this going? I guess I'm trying to pinpoint exactly what it is that has made me ok with how everything has gone down this past school year.

It's not gonna come out tonight. I'll give it a shot later.

Forever

Don't judge me. I don't hit girls, and I kinda had the urge to listen to Chris Brown...

I'm pretty dang proud of myself. I usually make it to finals week and completely lose steam. Well, I guess that's not the case for winter semester, but there's something about the spring and sun and warm and when the air gets damp and full of life, you know? It makes me restless. It usually makes studying hard. For some reason, that hasn't been as much of a challenge this semester, which is nice because the majority of my classes are curved, and the curves are pretty dang close right now. Seeing as how I'm not much of a one for vehicular homicide, I figure I might try to beat out my classmates the old-fashioned way.

What else to tell you? Do you ever have random people smile at you and stuff? I guess I should be glad that they aren't angry or yelling things at me (haha, I guess it'd be just like being a missionary, again), but it's still kinda strange, and it happens pretty often. And I'm not knock-your-socks-off attractive, so it isn't that. Maybe I have a weird look on my face when I'm walking. It's 'cuz I'm usually thinking about macroecon. Although it may be super interesting, it doesn't really provoke lots of smiles. Anyway, if you see a kid walking around provo with a thoughtful/concerned/goofy look on his face, please honk and wave.

Why did I tell you that story?

Last two things: I love Family Guy with all of my heart. I usually end up laughing so hard that I cry when I watch it. Also, Glee may have been created beyond the veil.

This is an attempt to get the thoughts out of my head before I go to sleep. You know what else I was thinking about? I kinda thrive on pressure and deadlines. Dammit. When I have nothing to do, I usually end up doing something stupid. And so the ironic thing is that the moments in my life where I feel like I have the least balance are usually the ones where I'm the happiest. I'm glad I'm making the effort to enjoy those times, to appreciate the good things that come during those times.

Remember how worried I was about my future? And all of the scrambling and feeling like nothing was working, and then everything suddenly materializes.

We do our best, I guess.

How Far We've Come

I get kinda sad when I see a neurotic post at the top of my blog. So let's give this another shot.

The dating thing is bound to work out... I mean, there has got to be someone that eventually crosses my path, so I will just try to be patient. And, anyways, if the other guys here are half as crazy as I am, I probably wouldn't be able to handle them... and they for sure wouldn't be able to handle me.

And it's hard to feel bad about anything right now because I have one day left of class. Most of the important stuff was finished last week, so I've felt a huge burden be lifted from my shoulders. I had an amazing weekend. For the next week or two, I'm just trying to hang out with my friends before I take off for a long time.

Today was one of those days where it was impossible to deny the fact that life is going to be excellent.

Wasted

I'm kind of getting anxiety, though. I don't like change. Have we talked about this? Anyway, it was the same way in my mission--well, leaving home, leaving the MTC, leaving any of my areas, getting home. I went through the same thing with leaving last year.

Maybe that's weird. I should embrace the adventure. I just get attached to people and places. I know that I need to do what's best for me, though. There's a certain amount of anxiety that comes with venturing into the dark, unknown, regardless of how good it may be for us.

"Just get to the end of the week," I keep telling myself. The thing is, this has been a year-long week. The end of the week never actually comes, if you get what I'm saying. After this week, I'll be done with all presentations. After next week, I'll be done with all finals. After that, I have to knock myself out to study for another really important test. After that, a new internship. After that, prepping for the 2nd level exam, new set of classes, internship recruiting for next summer, making plans for graduation, trips and interviews and offers and a whole ton of other crap. There is no end to it.

And lets not kid ourselves- I'm not really that busy, in the grand scheme of things; but the point that I'm trying to get at is that I don't want to be continually looking forward to something that is never going to come. And the thing is that for those few times where everything is done, I start to get kind of bored. I wouldn't know what to do with myself. I just need to enjoy the current situation, whatever it may be. I just deleted the first sentence of this post. I need to stop counting down, 'cuz I'm never going to get to zero.

As far as the anxiety goes, I'm going to miss the people here. We aren't dying or anything, but it always changes, no matter how hard you may try to keep it the same. And it's hard to tell if the change is for the better, but I guess that's left up to us to decide.

There is a whole list of stuff for me to take care of. I'm not sure why I'm on here, but it's nice to have an outlet.

I just have to go off on one more tangent. I'm not much of a one for beating dead horses, so I promise I'm going somewhere with this. I don't want to find someone here--if I'm going to go to school here, I want to play by the rules. Having said that, how am I going to find anyone in the real world? I mean, I don't go clubbing, I don't want to drink (tastes sick), I'm not really effeminate, and I'm going to be working in an industry that is a straight, married man's haven. On top of that, I think I would probably either drive a guy crazy, or he'd drive me crazy. At the same time, it's not like finding a guy here would be that much easier. I mean, look at me--the whole religion thing, being afraid of getting outed or kicked out of school.

Anyway, I'm just afraid that I'm not going to find anyone in the real world. And I'm afraid to wait long because I don't want it to be about money (not that I'll be making gobs), but does that make sense? I mean, there's something kinda romantic (ooook, need a different word) about the whole "being poor and trying to make ends meet in the early years" thing, in my eyes. On top of that, you know that they'll stick with you, that they aren't in it for money or anything else. I'd like to know that it's just me, you know?

This is a weird post.

You've been subjected to enough torture.

Timeless

I started writing something completely different. I changed my mind.

I watched most of conference today. Some of it was good. I need the condensed version, though. I need fewer formalities and more raw insight. I know that they probably shouldn't do that with the many interpreters and the careful doctrinal line that the church has to keep, but I like knowing that the person is real, that their feelings are sincere.

All of that watching TV makes me feel pretty lethargic. I should have probably gone and run in the mountains--do something to make my body happier--but I had to finish up some stupid stuff on campus. I met a cool kid from my class, and we met some douche-bag guy that needed to pull the stick out of his ass. Anyway, I ended up working with the cool kid to finish up the stuff, got back to my apartment and stuffed my face... watched more conference...

I don't know what to say. The part of me that misses having some emotional connection somehow gets miraculously satisfied. I love my friends. 

Why do I feel like God still loves me? Why do I feel like I'm still ok? There are a million reasons why I should be estranged, why He should be silent, why all of my blessings should be revoked, voided. But I feel closer.

It's the effort. I don't know as if I can say exactly in what direction I'm heading in this one regard. I have a careful plan for everything else in my life, and this one thing seems to be a complete wild card, an unknown to me. And, as I've said before, I've become aware of the fact that I won't be traveling the carefully paved path of Mormondom. Those rites of passage aren't mine to take. And so I find myself pushing forward on some unknown path, pushing through the brambles without knowing what I'm doing, seeing neither path markings nor footprints. I'm trying to move decisively. But the departure from the path requires my relying on something, whether it be my resolve or some higher power. I'm still inclined to rely on the higher power. And this unmarked path fosters a relationship with Him. It makes me even more grateful for His blessings because I am certain that I have done nothing to merit them.

My thoughts are a horrible mess. I'm not sure what to make of all of this; but, at the very least, it is cathartic to write.

Hate (I Really Don't Like You)

I just want to get that stupid post off of the top of my blog. That was an unfortunate moment of weakness.

If everything goes according to plan, I'm leaving for home in three weeks. Since some of my finals are in class, I should be able to get the remainder of them done in the first two days of finals... then, I'm going to let my brain liquify and seep out through my ear.

Then, I'm going to study really hard for a test in June (I've read at least a couple thousand pages of material for this, so far), then let my brain re-liquify. THEN, I'm going to start working the first job I've had since summer of 2005. "Wait," you may be saying to yourself, "you haven't had a job for five years?"

Yes. How poor am I? Medium-poor. How lucky am I? Very.

And I won't have to worry about money for a while after the internship ends. In fact, I'll have enough to fund all four years (due to student loans) of school and my job-hunt for post-graduation. Sweet.

What else can I tell you? I was looking forward to the sun and warm, but we've taken a little step backward in the progression of seasons in p-town. I guess this really is part of the spring, and I guess that I do know that the snow is definitely coming to an end, eventually.